A Quck Post Before Bed

I'm doing a bit better this week. I haven't had a binge since Sunday (or was it Saturday?). I've been meditating more and paying more attention to my spiritual side and that, I think, has produced in me a more centered frame of mind. At least for the moment. I can't promise what tomorrow will be like.

I can always tell when my outlook is improving because I start to enjoy doing hobbies again -- like cooking. For the first time in a while, I'm actually looking forward to getting in my kitchen and whipping up a couple of cakes for a church luncheon this weekend. I'm thinking strawberry and coconut. Very Summery.

Anywho, I'm off to bed to do a short guided meditation (Thank you, Meditation Oasis!) which almost always ends with me snoring.

Good night, World!

Using Food to Numb the Pain

I have been on a bit of a binge compulsive overeating fest for the past two days. I was perplexed as to exactly why I felt compelled to throw everything except the kitchen sink into my mouth. I hadn't been feeling particularly stressed or anxious, which are what often triggers my compulsive overeating.

The mystery trigger revealed itself to me early this morning while I was lying in bed contemplating going to church, a place I haven't visited in about two months. I was feeling apprehensive about gracing the halls of what used to be a sanctuary for me because everyone would then see how fat I've become. During this latest bout of depression, I had put on the pounds pretty quickly and I was ashamed of the way I looked.

I also realized that these deep feelings of shame and inadequacy are not something that have just materialized as a result of my most recent struggles. Those feelings have always been there. They are the foundation upon which all of my neuroses have been built and they've become such a part of the structure that is my life that I often forget they are there.

No wonder I eat uncontrollably. It's the only way I know how to deal with my low self-esteem.

During my next counseling session, a month from now, I'll be asking my therapist about ways to change the way I view myself as well as some new coping mechanisms. It's the least I can do for myself.

Dreams: A Window into the Subconscious

In the book, Eating in the the Light of the Moon, Anita Johnston, PhD. talks about how dreams can provide information that can be useful in our recovery. According to Dr. Johnston, "A dream can tell where you are, where you have come from, where you need to go, and what you need to get there." Dreams are so vital that Dr. Johnston encourages readers to ask for a dream that will provide insight into our food issues. Though she didn't say exactly who it is we're supposed to ask, I decided to ask God. Some time later, my request was granted. I have recorded the dream below.

I should reveal that the dream occurred right after another "compulsive overeating" episode, a clinical term used by my therapist to describe my behavior.

***

This old, mentally unstable, slightly smelly, white, homeless woman (I'm including race here because I'm using this space to keep a record of my dreams. Though consciously it does not matter to me, it may matter to my subconscious) repeatedly breaks into my house and takes up residence in my pantry. I kick her out every time I come home and find her there. And every time she finds her way back in.

She's not a scary woman. I don't feel that my life is being threatened (Though at one point, I jump when she comes out of the pantry to greet me.) But I do feel extremely annoyed by her presence and have a strong sense that she shouldn't be there. I scream at her quite a bit in this dream, telling her to get out and not come back.

There are a lot of dogs in this dream. Two of them are mine - cute, snow white Maltese type dogs. The others are mangy-looking dogs that seem to be companions of the homeless woman. They are almost an afterthought. Though I want the dogs out, they aren't the main focus of my energies. The old woman is.

I say at one point, "How does she keep getting in? I'm gonna have to start locking all the doors", meaning I need to start locking the kitchen door that leads to the garage, a door a lot of people often leave unlocked when the garage door is down.

Of course the dream ended like all of my dreams do -- abruptly and with no resolution.

Any ideas on what you think the dream means?

Missing Person

Does anybody know where this person went? You know, the girl who used to write entertaining, funny posts. She seems to have disappeared.

If any of you have any information regarding her whereabouts, please let me know. She has been missed terribly.

A Healthier Response

A day after the confrontation I talked about in my last post, The Boyfriend and I had an opportunity to air things out over the phone. (Not the most ideal way to resolve conflict but when you're in a long-distance relationship, your options are limited.)

He apologized for overreacting and admitted his response was rooted in his fears of being abandoned. (This is something that is a direct result of his childhood.) He feared that if I gave up my caretaker role and stopped rescuing him or trying to fix him, that that would mean I wouldn't be as emotionally close to him. Not a logical conclusion to be sure but these things are rarely rooted in logic. After some reflection, he decided that me attempting to become emotionally healthy does not automatically equate to him being abandoned. He admitted that this was one of the issues on which he needed to work.

A couple of things moved me about The Boyfriend's handling of this situation: 1)After initially freaking out, he was able to regroup and respond in a healthy and supportive fashion, and 2) He did this without any input from me, without me taking on the role of caretaker or Ms. Fixit, telling him what he should and shouldn't think, proving that it is possible for us to break out of this pattern of relating in which we've become mired.

****

When I sat down at my desk and logged onto Blogger, I had initially planned to write about my first therapy session today, but I think I'll save that for next time. I had a little more to say about The Boyfriend and I than I had initially thought and I don't want this post to get too long. Suffice it to say that it was a good experience. I'll provide more details later.

Trying My Darndest To Recover

I was sitting at my computer reading an article on webmd about codependent relationships and thinking that it was an accurate description of me and my tendency to rescue and "fix" people. The article made me think about my dysfunctional childhood, the pain that it caused and how that played a role in the way I feel about myself and in my choice of coping mechanisms - food.

After a few moments of reflection, I started to feel some emotional discomfort. Not soon after, I felt the urge to reach for the dry roasted peanuts with sea salt sitting next to my desk. I decided not to numb myself with food and instead opted to sit with my pain for a moment. It burned like acid reflux in my chest.

I soon lost my focus though when I read an email from The Boyfriend responding to my declaration that we are two codependent people in a relationship together and how me coming to his rescue all the time and trying to fix him wasn't the healthiest of scenarios. For either of us.*

He wrote, "But what if that's just what I need? Are you planning on not being there for me because you think it's something you shouldn't do?"

I sat there in stunned silence for a moment. I hadn't expected to experience such opposition. And I certainly didn't anticipate The Boyfriend setting the stage to accuse me of "not being there" for him. I guess I should have known better though. You can't attempt to change the dynamics of a relationship without experiencing at least some resistance.

This whole recovery thing is going to be a lot harder than I thought.



* Okay, maybe that wasn't the smartest way to announce that revelation.

Why I Ain't The Blogger I Used To Be

As you can tell, I haven't been blogging much lately. It's not like I haven't had anything to write about. I have. But I'm still in a mildly depressed state which makes it difficult to get up the energy to do even the smallest of tasks. And besides, most of my writing would probably consist of my depression and who wants to read about that all the time?

I could write about work except that I made a vow with myself to not blog about work anymore, mainly because I want to keep my job (after being unemployed for 6 months, I'm not interested in being dooced), but also because of moral reasons: You just shouldn't say things on a blog that you're not willing to say to a person's face .

This new found blogging ethic is why I haven't been writing much about my personal life either. I've had a thing or two happen to me that would have been great fodder for the blog, but since I would have characterized those incidents in writing in a way that I would never have done in real life and considering that those incidents involved people who are close to me and who possibly read this blog, I decided it was best to not write anything at all.

God. When did I become such a dullard?

Not Quite Myself

I've recently realized that for the past month, I've been feeling general feelings of unhappiness. Not quite slit-your-wrist depressed but not my normal chipper self either.

In a effort to pull myself out of this mildly depressive state, I've decided to do a few things that I enjoy, things that make me feel good about myself and about life in general. One thing that I enjoy but haven't done much of lately is cooking.

Last week, I had the salad bar at Jason's Deli and fell in love with their mini gingerbread muffins. Tonight I decided to recreate those muffins using whole wheat flour. They were yummy!

I'm particularly proud of myself because the recipe was almost my own creation. I say "almost" because I did use an existing recipe but I made significant enough changes to it that it was practically unrecognizable.

Doing something I love to do felt good and helped to lift the malaise if only for a short time. This coping technique is not something on which I'd want to permanently stake my emotional well-being, but it just may keep me from going over the edge.

The Winding Road to Healing

In addition to the Mindful Eating book I'm reading, I recently purchased Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors and Storytelling.

How's that for a title? Sounds rather hippie-dippy, doesn't it?

The book is indeed a bit on the hippie side, but that was what attracted me in the first place. The traditional methods for resolving my food issues were not resonating with me. I needed something else. I don't really have the words to express why Buddhist meditation and myths and storytelling feel like a better fit to me than Overeater's Anonymous but they are.

The only troubling thing is that I'm beginning to realize that this journey toward a healthier relationship with food is not going to be a short one nor will it take place on a linear path. I'm learning the road to healing is like a long hike on a winding road with many twists and turns and circular paths. Hell, I may even pass the same damn tree 10 times before I move on to another part of the journey.

This would be a good thing if not for my work's recent weight loss challenge. As a result of the challenge, which I won by the way, I am in the exercise-and-healthy-eating zone. I'm on a mission to fit back into the clothes I bought when I first started my job 8 months ago. And I'm almost there. But this sort of intense focus may be detrimental to my overall healing process.

In the book Eating in the Light of the Moon, the focus is on finding the purpose that food serves in our lives, and on finding the emotional and/or spiritual void we're trying to fill. I must admit that I haven't even begun to untangle the knotted mess that is my food addiction or to discover the emotional hole into which it's stuffed.

The author, Anita Johnston, PhD. writes:

When we are engaged in addictive eating, that is the time to look for what the real hunger is because that is the moment in which it gets presented to us in its symbolic form. By simply eliminating certain foods or striving to restrict out behavior, we deprive ourselves of opportunities to learn of the true meanings behind these symbols.

Last night, as I was reading Mindful Eating, I came across this passage:

[Binge eaters] may be aware that their goal is to go unconscious, to briefly forget painful emotions, fear, loneliness, and the feeling that they are failing. Sometimes we eat to go unconscious and sometimes we go unconscious while eating. Both can point to hidden habit patterns involving food. . .The point of mindful eating is not to forbid ourselves to ever use food in this way. The point is that by eating with mindfulness we can become aware of the seductive power of the call to go unconscious. As we become aware, we are creating a larger frame around what is happening in our body-mind complex. This larger space gives us flexibility, the freedom to live life on purpose. With each conscious choice, whether we ultimately choose a Ding Dong or a protein shake, a great degree of sanity enters our life.

I take all this to mean that the healthy actions I'm engaged in now are great and are sure to produce positive results, but the real progress, the real self-awareness that paves the way to healing will occur during those times when I'm not feeling quite so disciplined or focused. That's when the journey will start to slow down a bit because the road has become less linear and has developed more bends and turns.

Do I have the endurance to hang in there for the long haul?

Stay tuned.

Cravings

Today was a splurge day for me because 1)I have to have one of those about once a week in order for me to remain sane, and 2)It's a long day what with work and my 3 hour beauty shop appointment(Don't even get me started!) and long days mean I need to eat something more filling than the bird food I normally eat.

Initially, I had toyed with the idea of having a Quarter-pounder with cheese and French fries as my splurge meal but ended up opting for something a little healthier - a 6" tuna sub from Subway, 1 1/2 ounces of Sunchips and a light lemonade.

After my delicious yet somewhat healthy lunch, I immediately started having cravings for dessert. And not any old dessert mind you, but one dessert in particular -- 138 grams of sugar-free vanilla ice cream (Yes, I measure it.) with 2 tablespoons of creamy peanut butter mixed in and a generous sprinkling of mini-chocolate chips on top. But I didn't have any of those things with me and it would be at least 9pm before I'd be able to satisfy my food desire.

So I did what any self-respecting food addict would do: I rummaged through the snack drawer in my desk looking for something, anything, to satisfy my very specific food craving. I started off with a peanut butter and chocolate Fiber Plus bar, yummy to be sure but not exactly what I was looking for. I then moved on to two miniature Hershey's dark chocolate bars I was saving for a rainy day. Or sunny day. Whatever. I finished it all off with 4 whole wheat pita chips.

Eventually, I decided that instead of wrecking my diet. . .er, lifestyle change, that I would wait until I got home to eat what it is I REALLY wanted. That way, I'll be less inclined to inhale everything around me.

Crisis Averted

At 10 p.m. last night, I almost got into my car to drive to the nearest grocery store to stock up on binge food.

Almost.

The only thing that stopped me was a case of the sleepys that was descending upon me rather rapidly. I was too tired to binge eat.

The trigger was loneliness. I had just gotten off the phone with The Boyfriend and I was missing him terribly. Soon after, I got this sudden urge to have food in my mouth (Well it wasn’t so sudden. I always have the urge to eat though sometimes the urge is stronger than at other times) so I reached for a handful of almonds and 3 miniature Snicker bars and consumed them in record time. Not as disastrous as past binge sessions to be sure but still not the direction I wanted to go in.

As I was stuffing my face, I realized that as long as the food was in my mouth, I felt good. Once the food was gone, I was immediately looking for something to replace it. I had gone through the only unhealthy food items in my pantry (the Snickers bars) and was now looking to consume an entire box of gingersnaps. Only I didn’t have any gingersnaps.

If I wanted to inhale 18 servings of cookies in one sitting in the name of happiness, I would have to go to the store to get them. I went to bed instead.

Crisis averted.

Today, I am in a better frame of mind. I started off the day with a healthy breakfast, I’ve packed a healthy lunch and I plan to continue the healthy activities that I’ve engaged in for the past 6 weeks – walking a mile and a half on my lunch break and then doing aerobics in the evening.

But I know that won’t be the last urge to binge I’ll experience. There will be more. And I’ll have to figure out ways to deal with them because I can’t depend on sleepiness to rescue me every time.

Maybe there’ll be a new drug invented that knocks me into a coma every time I get the urge to consume my weight in Suzy Qs.

One can dream.

Setting Priorities

I was hoping to write a blog post tonight, a follow up to my previous post, but I'm tired and I have a lot of things to do. I don't know that I'll get around to writing a proper post.

You see, I have to set priorities in my life. I've exercised today (twice), prepared dinner for myself but I also need to clean the kitchen so I can make pizza dough for tomorrow's dinner. And then I need to wash my hair because I've vowed to take better care of it since my hairdresser tried to make it all fall out a few months ago (yet another story for another time.)

But I also vowed to write more, but I find I'm having trouble fitting it in during the course of my busy day. Maybe I'll have a chance to write in between assignments at work tomorrow.

We'll see.

Making myself blog

Tonight when I get home, after I've had my workout and eaten dinner, I'm gonna MAKE myself sit down and write a blog post. I plan to pull myself away from Facebook, away from the cooking blogs, away from the health-related sites and force myself to tell you about The Boyfriend's and my recent pregnancy scare.

Because writing is good for me. And I really do enjoy it.

Besides, how can I be a world-famous blogger if I never blog?

That's like aspiring to be a hooker but never doing any johns.

Buddhism

I've always been fascinated by the Buddhist practice of meditation. It's the thing that initially attracted me to yoga. Performing agonizing poses for 30 minutes was, in my opinion, a small price to pay for 5 glorious minutes of relaxation/meditation at the end. Soon I was doing meditation without the yoga and enjoying the calm and well-being it produced. Unfortunately, I've been too undisciplined to keep the practice up.

My fascination with meditation turned into an interest in Buddhism once I learned that 1) Buddhism is less a religion and more a way of life, and 2) the art of meditation can be applied to all areas of your life. This has motivated me to start discovering for myself what our friends to the East have known for at least two and a half millenniums.

Much to Brit Hume's chagrin, Tiger Woods is getting back to his Buddhist roots. Apparently, Tiger's mom exposed him to Buddhist principles as a child, but he turned away from those principles as he got older.

At a recent "press conference" apologizing for his playeristic ways, Woods said "Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint."

I kind of connected with Tiger when he said this because, through what little exposure to Buddhist ideas I've had, I've learned that the cravings-lead-to-suffering principle he spoke of is evident in my dealings with food as well.

Earlier this week, before Tiger's apology, I ordered Mindful Eating by Jan Chozen Bays, a book that seeks to use the principles of Buddhist meditation to change our relationship with food. I'm not foolish enough to think that once I read this book I'll never binge again, but I'm hoping that it will at least put me on the path to a healthier relationship with food, a path where I eventually learn, just as Tiger's learning, to resist my cravings and to practice restraint. And maybe along the way, I'll develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of Buddhism.

A 21st-Century Valentine's Day Card

Approximately four years ago, in February 2006, I posted the lyrics to the song "Ready for Love" by India.arie on my blog. No commentary, no explanation, just the lyrics. It was a prayer of sorts to the love gods or to God, whomever was listening that day, requesting someone with whom to share my life. The thought of growing old alone had become so unbearable to me (as I lamented here) that I was finally ready to set aside my fears -- fear of getting hurt, of rejection, of the unknown.

The gods must have taken my post seriously because by the end of the month, I had stumbled across the blog of the man who would eventually become my fiance and I fell head over heels in love. The relationship had a rocky start (you can read about it here, here, and here) but it prevailed and developed into one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

I guess I really was ready for love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, BABY!
You were so worth the wait.

10 Things That Make Me Happy

Thanks Em for the tag! She challenged me to come up with ten things that make me happy so here goes:


1. Blog Friends. This is gonna sound corny, a little sad, and maybe more than a bit kissie uppie, but one of the things that makes me happy are the blog friends that I have been fortunate enough to have emailed, talked to on the phone or let into my life via social networking sites. I'm proud to say that not one of you good people is a psychopath and I haven't felt the need to get any restraining orders or to change my email address. For that, I feel blessed.

Seriously though, some of you have been as good as friends to me as the ones I see in the flesh on a daily basis and you've helped me get through some difficult times and grapple with some difficult issues. Thank you.

2. SuzyQs. What's not to like?

3. The Boyfriend. I think I'm probably the most well-loved woman on the planet and that makes me very, very happy.

4. My Church. I've been a Christian for most of my adult life but I've been of the conservative evangelical variety. Now, I'm one of those uber-liberal heretics that your pastor warned you about and I love it!

5. Not working for soul-sucking Corporate America. Okay, not all of Corporate America is soul-sucking. I'm just happy I'm no longer working for one particular company that seemed determined to wring every ounce of life out of my decaying spirit.

6. Brim's Cheese Puffs. Brim's kicks Frito Lay's ass. Sorry, they're a local company though, originating right here in the Bible Belt, as evidenced by the page on their website entitled "Everlasting Life", where you can learn about the 4 Spiritual Laws complete with diagrams.

7. Facebook. I spend way more time on Facebook than any grown woman should.

8. Cooking. It makes me ecstatic when people thoroughly enjoy a dish that I've made. Cooking is also how I show someone I care. Just ask The Boyfriend!

9. Snow Days. For the first time in my life, I am working for an organization that has an inclement weather policy. That means when our local school system is closed due to snow, then so are our offices. Such a beautiful policy.

10. Chocolate. No further explanation is needed.

I'm still around.

I haven't become a hermit nor have I been kidnapped by terrorists . I've just been busy. Doing. . .you know, stuff. The same stupid stuff I always do, except I haven't felt the need to write about it. But today is different. I feel like emoting. So here goes. A brief recap of my life the past 3 1/2 months:

Work: I'm still working for the non-profit organization I told you about back in September. I still enjoy my job and the people I work with. No change there. I was recently given a big responsibility that I was feeling excited and scared about all at the same time. Because I did such a kick ass job of obtaining silent auction items for a couple of fundraisers this past Summer, I was put in charge of the silent auction for our biggest fundraiser in June. That means securing 100-150 items for auction (expensive items as well as affordable ones), coordinating volunteers and ensuring that the actual auction itself goes off without a hitch. This would have been (notice the verb tense here) the first time for me to be in charge of anything significant. A scary situation, but I was looking forward to the challenge. Today, when I found out that our agency had hired a part-time development coordinator, I knew that my new found responsibility would be short-lived. Even though it hasn't been mentioned to me yet, there's no doubt in my mind that this new coordinator will eventually take over the silent auction responsibilities. I'm a bit disappointed that I won't get a chance to prove myself or to grow in a way that I haven't experienced before, but ultimately I think everything happens for a reason.

And speaking of work, remember how I used to write about all the scandalous things that happened at my old job? That was fun times, wasn't it? Well, I won't be doing that with this job. Not because there aren't mildly scandalous things to write about on this job. There are, (In the past 3 months, we've fired two people, one person resigned via text message and I'm just waiting for another to be let go. And that doesn't include the dirt on former employees I've discovered by snooping around on my computer.), but I'd like to keep this job, thankyouverymuch. So, no work blogging. Oh, quit your booing, and suck it up like a man.

Overeater's Anonymous. So I broke down and started attending Overeater's Anonymous meetings. Only I haven't gone in the past two weeks because I've been binge eating. For two weeks. As you can see, those OA meetings are really helping. This most recent binge episode started after a period of eating healthy and exercising my ass off. Eventually, I started to feel deprived again. I ate a cookie and the next thing I know I had lost my damn mind. I know deprivation is a trigger for me, but I don't know how to change the thought processes in my mind so that I stop inhaling everything around me.

****** TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!! ******
****** SOUND THE ALARM!!!******

It kind of reminds me of my fundamentalist Christian days when I thought masturbation was a sin that I needed to abstain from if I was ever going to get into heaven. I would try to be a good little Christian girl, thinking only of puppy dogs and flowers, but eventually I would succumb to the "lusts of the flesh" and go on a "she-bop" bender, jacking off at every opportunity because I knew Sunday was coming and I would have to go back to pretending to be a nun.

My struggle with food feels EXACTLY like that. I stuff my face with food for as long as my conscious will allow because I know, at some point, I'm going to have to get back on the program because my life literally depends on it.

I don't know how to fix that. Sigh. But I'm working on it. Hopefully, I'll get it figured out before I gain back every single ounce I've lost.

To be continued. . .

I need help.

I am a sick person. A very, very, very sick person.

Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.

And that's not the worst of it.

Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.

Do I have some sort of death wish or something?

They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.

What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.

A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.

Stay tuned. . .

**************************

Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.

One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.

I needed to get that off my chest too.

I finally have something to say.

You would think that, with being jobless, I would have had oodles of time to do mindless things like drone on endlessly in the blogosphere, to no one in particular, about the mundane details of my life. And I have. Had oodles of time, that is. But what I also found is that I've had very little to say. The mundane details just seemed too. . .well, mundane, which is why I seemed to have gone M.I.A. as of late.

But now. . .NOW, I have something to say. An announcement of sorts. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Good, 'cause here it is:
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I HAVE A JOB!!!!

That's right. Grizzbabe is BACK! Back in the coal mines with the rest of you slobs, slaving away like a migrant worker. No more living off the government dole for me. No sirree. I gots me a payin' gig!

Where am I working you ask?

In the interest of anonymity and all that, let's just say I'm working as an administrative assistant for a non-profit organization that specializes in mentoring children.

How did I get this job you query?

(A bunch of nosy fuckers!)

Good old-fashioned networking. (I'm living proof that it's not just what you know it's who you know.)

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my associate pastor that I would be interested in volunteering for a non-profit until I could secure full-time employment. Having been a former Executive Director in the non-profit arena, she tossed a few contact names my way and, within a week, I was volunteering at two organizations, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.

I started on a Monday and by Thursday, both organizations had expressed an interest in hiring me part-time with one position having the potential of going full-time. Well, once the organization that wanted to eventually hire me permanently found out about my other volunteer activities, a full-time offer was put on the table, which I accepted.

And I am so grateful. Grateful to be working again, but also to be helping a great bunch of people to advance such a worthy cause.

How does this affect The Boyfriend and I's marriage plans?

Good question. I'll let you know when we figure it out.

Thoughts

The battle between me and food is getting more difficult, more intense. I have trouble dealing with my feelings of deprivation which causes me to want to inhale my entire pantry to satisfy some warped part of me. Only I never feel fully satiated despite my relentless efforts to eat my way to emotional well-being. My blood sugar is the casualty in all of this. How long can it continue to take hits before turning on me?

In happier news, I have lost a remarkable amount of weight, 65lbs total. I've bought new clothes, cute clothes, in styles and sizes I haven't seen in years. I suppose that could be a motivation of sorts.

Wednesday, I'm leaving for a 10-day stay in Chicago to do some job hunting and to spend some time with The Boyfriend. I was just there a week and a half ago so it's a real treat to be with my beloved again so soon.

On my last visit, I made the mistake of thinking out loud concerning my ideas on redecorating and rearranging the furniture once, you know, we get married and I move in for good. My recommendations? To put his coffee table (and maybe an end table) in storage to reduce some of the clutter and create more space in his tiny living room. He was so resistant that you would have thought I'd suggested we haul all his stuff off and chop it up to use for kindling while I moved in my stuff. I, of course, suggested nothing of the sort but, to him, it felt like I did.

This whole marriage thing, it's about making room for one another, right? Not just emotionally but physically as well. Yeah, we're still working on that.