Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.
And that's not the worst of it.
Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.
Do I have some sort of death wish or something?
They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.
What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.
A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.
Stay tuned. . .
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Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.
One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.
I needed to get that off my chest too.
