The Wedding

In my last post, I mentioned my fears of total wedding disaster. Those fears were so gripping that whenever the thought of wedding planning even grazed my mind, anxiety would well up and I would immediately push those thoughts as far away from my consciousness as I could get them. That’s works pretty well when you’re 12 months out, but as the wedding date inches closer, denial starts to seem less and less like an effective coping strategy.

After spending the past couple of days giving space to all of the feelings I had surrounding the wedding, I actually began to feel courageous enough to tackle the details of my wedding ceremony in the same way that I attack every obstacle in my life – with obsessive compulsive planning.

On Sunday night, I was up till 1:00 am trying to come up with ways to personalize our wedding ceremony and I think I’ve found some good ideas. The one that I’m most excited about is a reading I found by Robert Fulghum (author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten) called “Union”:

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way. All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks - all those sentences that began with “When we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will”- those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed- well, I meant it all, every word.” Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another- acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this- is my husband, this- is my wife.

Isn’t that beautiful?

I’d like to find another reading to do as well. Something contemporary, funny and entertaining that speaks a spiritual truth without being preachy. I don’t know what that reading will be (maybe a passage from a book or a magazine article?) but I’m gonna keep looking until I find it.

Also, I think I’ve solved our music problem for the ceremony. My church is into Taize music and I’ve become a fan as well. I think this song (or one like it) would be perfect to have someone sing during communion.



In addition, I’ve decided that I want our families to come up and share communion with us and then offer up prayers of blessing. I’m also looking for a responsive reading that they can recite to offer their commitment to help us have a successful marriage. If The Fiancé and I are going to be together for a lifetime, then we need their love, support and wise counsel.

I have a ton more ideas but let me just leave you with this one: I found a version of Pachelbel ‘s Cannon in D that I’d love to use for the processional. It’s contemporary in feel but still has all the elements that make this such a great piece.

The Power of the Pause

In Tara Brach's book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, she talks a lot about engaging in the "sacred pause" in order to become more aware (and thereby more accepting) of our feelings. Often, we try to ignore, stuff down, or run from our negative emotions and that can have an adverse effect our our psyche. Brach recommends taking a few minutes several times a day to look inward to see what it is we're feeling at that moment.

The Fiance has been in Wisconsin this week to serve as best man in his best friend's wedding and I've been a bundle of undecipherable emotions ever since he left town. Not surprisingly, I've also been an eating machine. Saturday, I decided to take Brach's suggestion and check in with myself every so often to try to untangle the ball of knotted yarn that is my emotions. Here's what I found:

Jealousy. I'm jealous that The Fiance is at a wedding that I really wanted to attend but couldn't because of my lack of vacation time and is having such a great time. Oh, I don't begrudge him his fun, but I wanted to have fun too.

Guilt. I've felt like I've been shirking by duties as a significant other this week. My fiance was participating in one of the most important days in the life of one of the most important people in his life and I wasn't there. Not only did that seem fundamentally wrong to me but it also felt like it was my fault.

Loneliness. The Fiance and I have only been living together for 3 weeks and already I'm attached to his presence. I tried to focus on enjoying the solitude (because who knows when I'll get another chance), but I found it hard not to wish that The Fiance was here with me.

Fears of Wedding Failure. Because I'm engaged to a man who adores me and wanted me to feel a part of the festivities even though I was hundreds of miles away, I got frequent wedding updates via cell phone. From what I could tell, the event had everything that makes a wedding great -- an actual budget, touching sentiment, a pretty bride, good food and lots of fun and laughter. My wedding has none of those things, except maybe the promise of good food. I fear that my wedding won't be nearly as enjoyable as the one The Fiance attended this weekend. How could it? I have a dress that I can't fit into; I have no idea who is doing the music for the ceremony or even what music we're doing. Those dilemmas make me feel like the wedding is going to be a total disaster. That may seem a bit irrational, but who said fear was rational?

With that huge complicated bundle of emotion rolling around inside of me, it's no wonder I used food to bring me comfort.

I must say the pause exercise has helped a lot. I haven't had a binge since Friday. None of my negative feelings have gone away or been resolved, but just acknowledging them and allowing them the space to exist has been extremely beneficial.

Acceptance

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

– famed psychologist, Carl Rogers

I laid there on the bed, stomach uncomfortably pressed into the mattress, trying to take stock of my emotions in hopes of discovering why I had chosen to sooth myself with food once again. After a few moments of looking inward, I found a general feeling of uneasiness but nothing on which I could put a label. Sometimes, my emotions are too much of a tangled mess to recognize and name with any degree of accuracy. What I did find was a moment (albeit fleeting) of clarity. Though I lacked the self-awareness to determine why I felt the urge to eat, I was aware enough to realize that eating wasn’t helping matters, wasn’t making the uneasy feelings seem easier. So I stopped. For the time being.

I’ve been reading Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. I’m convinced that the road to a better relationship with food is paved with self-acceptance. Even my dreams tell me as much. But the more I read and the more I listen to Tara’s podcasts, the more I realize what a painstakingly slow journey this is going to be. I’d be okay with the snail’s pace if I didn’t have an overwhelming sense of urgency created by the fact that I’m a diabetic whose life depends on me getting my shit together quickly and intensified by my inability to do so. But even that situation, according to what I’ve been reading, demands my acceptance.

This acceptance thing is a lot harder than it sounds, which explains why it’s taking so damn long. My fear is that I’ll learn to accept myself and my life as it is just in time to die a horrible death brought on by years of abusing my body with food, a scenario which seems very unacceptable to me.

That last sentence really sums up where I am on this journey to healing. In my head, I understand self-acceptance and its importance to my recovery, but it’s been difficult to get my psyche to fully embrace itself and it may be difficult for some time to come. I suppose I should accept that too.