The Power of the Pause

In Tara Brach's book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, she talks a lot about engaging in the "sacred pause" in order to become more aware (and thereby more accepting) of our feelings. Often, we try to ignore, stuff down, or run from our negative emotions and that can have an adverse effect our our psyche. Brach recommends taking a few minutes several times a day to look inward to see what it is we're feeling at that moment.

The Fiance has been in Wisconsin this week to serve as best man in his best friend's wedding and I've been a bundle of undecipherable emotions ever since he left town. Not surprisingly, I've also been an eating machine. Saturday, I decided to take Brach's suggestion and check in with myself every so often to try to untangle the ball of knotted yarn that is my emotions. Here's what I found:

Jealousy. I'm jealous that The Fiance is at a wedding that I really wanted to attend but couldn't because of my lack of vacation time and is having such a great time. Oh, I don't begrudge him his fun, but I wanted to have fun too.

Guilt. I've felt like I've been shirking by duties as a significant other this week. My fiance was participating in one of the most important days in the life of one of the most important people in his life and I wasn't there. Not only did that seem fundamentally wrong to me but it also felt like it was my fault.

Loneliness. The Fiance and I have only been living together for 3 weeks and already I'm attached to his presence. I tried to focus on enjoying the solitude (because who knows when I'll get another chance), but I found it hard not to wish that The Fiance was here with me.

Fears of Wedding Failure. Because I'm engaged to a man who adores me and wanted me to feel a part of the festivities even though I was hundreds of miles away, I got frequent wedding updates via cell phone. From what I could tell, the event had everything that makes a wedding great -- an actual budget, touching sentiment, a pretty bride, good food and lots of fun and laughter. My wedding has none of those things, except maybe the promise of good food. I fear that my wedding won't be nearly as enjoyable as the one The Fiance attended this weekend. How could it? I have a dress that I can't fit into; I have no idea who is doing the music for the ceremony or even what music we're doing. Those dilemmas make me feel like the wedding is going to be a total disaster. That may seem a bit irrational, but who said fear was rational?

With that huge complicated bundle of emotion rolling around inside of me, it's no wonder I used food to bring me comfort.

I must say the pause exercise has helped a lot. I haven't had a binge since Friday. None of my negative feelings have gone away or been resolved, but just acknowledging them and allowing them the space to exist has been extremely beneficial.