The Life of the Unemployed, Day 3: Stressing

I am stressing today. As a result I am stress eating, nothing too major but more than my blood sugar should probably have to handle. I need to learn how to deal with the anxiety of this time without compromising my health. I want to come out on the other side of this better off - financially, spiritually, and physically - but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all.

God, where do I start?

I would like to move to Chicago, at least for a little while, to look for a job. But my mom doesn’t seem excited about this option whenever I bring it up. She hasn’t come out verbally against it but I can tell more by what she doesn’t say than by what she says. And this is the same woman who said she would like The Boyfriend and I to spend some time in the same city getting to know each other. How does she expect that to happen without one of us moving to be with the other?

Maybe she envisions The Boyfriend being the one to make the move. But, to be honest, that is not an option. The Boyfriend has tuition reimbursement benefits at his current job. He just finished up his two-year degree in English. If he were to leave his job now, he would have to pay all of that money back, something he cannot afford to do.

And then there’s the issue of living arrangements. Unless I find a really great paying job, I cannot afford to live in Chicago on my own. The Boyfriend and I would have to live together. My mother has clearly stated that she thinks this is wrong. Yet, she doesn’t want us to get married unless we’ve lived in the same city. But the odds of finding a job that would afford me the luxury of having my own place is not good, especially in this economy. Making my situation even more complicated is the fact that my uncle would probably not financially support me while I looked for another job if The Boyfriend and I were cohabitating without the benefit of marriage.

Of course, The Boyfriend and I can always get married to appease the family but I am starting to resent having to bend so far backwards to gain their approval.

The house is another issue, but I’ve about decided that when I move to Chicago for good I’m going to try and sell the house for whatever I can get and pray I don’t end up owing money in the end.

To make matters worse, all of these problems are bound together with cords of doubt and uncertainty. I want to spend some time in Chicago looking for another job but I am unsure if that’s the road the Universe would have me take, if it’s the direction that will eventually lead me to the promised land where my life will be more prosperous than before. I just don’t know.

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 2: Ash Wednesday

I felt as if Pastor Cheryl's sermon during the Ash Wednesday service tonight was written just for me. She talked about how the ashes on our foreheads represented death and that Lent is the season for preparing for resurrection.

Well, isn't it interesting that I lost my job at this particular time, during this particular liturgical season? It's like a death to my old self, to an old part of me that needed to die so that something new could be resurrected.

I hung on to my job for way too long. I probably should have left a decade ago. God had to kill that position off. He murdered it, stabbed it, strangled the last breath out of it so that I would move on to something else.

Now, I'm left with the task of preparing for my resurrection. What my resurrection will look like or how it will come about, I do not know. All I know is that I'm open.

The Life of the Unemployed: Day 1

After being laid off from my job of 16 years, I spent my first day of unemployment moping around the house. I didn't break down and have a crying fit like I thought I would but I was pretty much in a daze the entire day. About an hour after I had returned home, I stopped resisting the urge to put on my pajamas and curl up in a fetal position on my bed. It was somewhat cathartic. By 6 p.m. though, I had declared an end to my moping. Tomorrow, I said to myself, I'm going to start being deliberate about how I spend my days. I decided to spend the next week relaxing, clearing my head and not making any major decisions. I also vowed to do only what I enjoy doing.

Today, my first full day of unemployment, I've stayed true to the promise I made to myself. So far, here's how I've spent my day:

8:30 a.m. Got out of bed. For months now, I've been going to bed at 11:30 p.m or midnight every night and feeling exhausted by the time my alarm went off at 7 a.m. Last night, I didn't even bother setting my alarm. I let my body get as much sleep as it needed and boy did I feel better for it.

8:45-9:45 a.m. Ate breakfast and did my devotional. For the first time, I am attending a church that acknowledges the liturgical seasons. That means I get to celebrate Lent, which I have never done before . During the church service on Sunday (before I was laid off), I had decided to "fast" some of my time (I know I'm stretching the fasting concept here but work with me) and do my devotional every day for 40 days, a task that sadly I have yet to accomplish and lately have been EXTREMELY lax about. I'm glad I made this decision because I've suddenly found myself in what could possibly be a very tumultuous time in my life and I can use all the spiritual enlightenment I can get.

9:45-10:45 a.m. Yoga. This falls into the "do only what I enjoy doing" category. I LOVE yoga. It's good for the body but it's also very calming to both the mind and the spirit and I'm going to need a calm mind and a calm spirit as I navigate through all the red tape at the unemployment office.

11:00-12:00 p.m. Ate lunch and did dishes. Now, you may not think that doing dishes would be something that I would enjoy doing but I haven't done dishes since my fiance's last visit on Feb. 14. That's a long time ago and a lot of dishes. They are beginning to take over my kitchen and I plan to wrestle its possession back into my control.

12:10 p.m. I noticed that the passenger side lock on my car would not open. I shrugged my shoulders, entered my car through the driver's side and went on my merry way.

12:30-1:30 p.m. Visited with former co-workers and spread the news of my lay off to the ladies at my gynecologist's office next door.

1:30 p.m. I examined the lock on my passenger door and realized that someone had tried to break into my car. This must have occurred either while I was at home or at my Monday night yoga class. Those are the only places where my car was parked for any length of time.

1:45-2:45 p.m. I spent $40 at Walmart on necessities! Don't they know I just lost my job?!?

3:30 p.m. Called the sheriff's department and filed a report for my attempted car break-in just in case I decide to file an insurance claim.

5:00 p.m. Left for my weekly Bible study. I had originally considered dropping out of this study, but that was when I was working multiple jobs, going to yoga once a week and handbell practice on Wednesdays. Now that I have all the time in the world, I think I'll keep this activity if for no other reason then to have one hour a week where I am not focusing on myself and my joblessness.

Grizzbabe lost her job today.

It wasn't totally unexpected. We've been laying off people left and right. I figured it was just a matter of time before I'd get the axe too. As it turns out, they are combining two offices and since the office manager at the other office makes less than I do, well yours truly got let go.

Even though I've given myself permission to grieve, I seem to be doing ok so far, especially for someone who abhors uncertainty. I'm going to take a few days (or a week) to relax, clear my head, and figure out what I'm going to do next. Because I have no idea.

Losing Myself

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted.
One moment.
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

--Marshall Mathers

Grizzbabe is officially published! Like in a real newspaper and stuff! Of course, the newspaper happens to be one of my company's publications but that's beside the point. The point is that I'm published, byline and everything!

I'd post the column here but I don't want to violate any copyright laws. Not that I've let that bother me before, but this is my job we're talking about here. I'd hate to get fired because I reprinted my company's copyrighted material somewhere else.

The piece was about my Career Day experience at a local elementary school. After discussing the event with our editor, he said that I could write a column about it if I wanted. I almost didn't take him up on the offer. I didn't want to spend my only day off wrestling with my writing in the neurotic, self-critical way I tend to do. But The Boyfriend gently encouraged me to not let this opportunity pass me by. He was right. I chose to relax on my day off, but I wrote my article on company time the next day. Fortunately, I had the office to myself for a good portion of the afternoon so I was able to create something in my typical over-exaggeration-for-comedic-effect style and the editor seemed to like it.

Where my writing goes from here I do not know. But I've made a vow to myself to take Eminem's advice and seize every opportunity that comes my way, to lose myself in the moment, to grab it, hold on to it and make it mine. I don't want my fear of success to cause me to miss my chance to actually be successful, because who knows if another opportunity will come.