Marriage and Finances, Part 2: Managing Expectations

As I've mentioned before, I've had some pretty specific ideas about what my future husband's role should be in our finances. I envisioned marrying someone more capable and financially prudent than I am, someone who is sort of a visionary and has the ability to see what our financial future can be and has the discipline and know-how to get us there.

Now I'm realizing that that ideal is totally inconsistent with my reality. The Boyfriend wants a prosperous financial future for us as well but, to be honest, he has a little difficulty finding the forest when all he can see is trees. He discourages easily and is a glass half-empty kind of guy. That's not a knock on The Boyfriend so much as it is a recognition of the truth.

I recently asked The Boyfriend to come up with a budget for us as a couple. He saw no value in the exercise because, he said, he makes so little money that there's not much to budget. Regardless of how passionately I tried to explain it to him, he was unable to grasp that the financial picture of us as a couple will be very different than the one he sees now. His mindset was so focused on the circumstances of today that he had a hard time stepping back and getting a glimpse of our tomorrow.

Part of our struggle with finances stems from my own unmet expectations. I resented being the one to ask The Boyfriend to do a budget when my ideal dictated that he would take the initiative. I even accused him of not caring about money matters as much as I did.

I finally realized it's unfair to project these unrealistic expectations on The Boyfriend. It's wrong of me to ask The Boyfriend to be a visionary and a planner when those aren't his strong suits. So I am tossing my expectations out the window. I'm trying to come to grips with the idea that I may have to take a more proactive role in our finances. I may have to be the one to initiate the discussion on financial goals and then be the one to analyze our bills and come up with a plan of action to achieve those goals.

I wouldn't be the first woman to become actively involved with the finances in a relationship. There are many married women who hold the purse strings because they are better at it. I don't think I'm better at managing money than The Boyfriend (Have you seen my checkbook?). But I do suspect that I may be better suited, at least at this particular point in our relationship, for doing certain things -- like planning and budgeting. Or maybe The Boyfriend should be the one to manage the finances and I should be the one to encourage him in the areas he needs it most. Either way, our relationship will be better served if I stopped chasing after fairy tales and started dealing head-on with my reality.

The Proposal

I should have my girly-girl card taken away from me. Immediately. With no possibility of appeal. For I have brought shame onto all of womanhood. I am not deserving of being considered part of the tribe. I have failed my fellow sisters.

What infraction have I committed to warrant such a drastic assessment, you ask? Well, within five seconds of The Boyfriend's proposal, I had completely forgotten what had just transpired. I could not recall, with any degree of accuracy, the details of one of the most pivotal moments in my life. I imagine most card-carrying members of the Girly-Girl Society could not only recite the exact words their beloved muttered before sliding the ring on their finger, but they could probably tell you what he was wearing, what they had for dinner, what time they got up that morning, etc. Me? Not so much.

It's not that I wasn't happy about being betrothed and pushed all memories out of my mind. I was very happy. I still am. But for some reason, the moment I said, "Yes, I will marry you", my mind was wiped clean like a big ol' chalkboard. Oh, I could see the remnants of what was once written, but I couldn't make anything out. It was all just a big blur.

Since I seemed to have become a victim of Early-onset Alzheimer's, I am going to rely on The Boyfriend's account of this event and hope that the Girly-Girl powers-that-be won't be too hard on me.

. . .The actual proposal went off pretty much the way I planned it. Last night after spending time at a church function playing bingo and eating dry BBQ, my girlfriend and I came home to spend a quiet New Year's Eve counting down and toasting with some Sprite Zero. My plan all along was to propose right after the ball dropped, after telling her that I could only think of one better way to "ring" in 2009. The only couple of hitches were that it was a chore keeping her awake for midnight because she was so tired, and then when I was going under her couch to retrieve the ring, I had slid the box too deep underneath while hiding it, so it took literally a minute for me to dig it out, and I almost knocked over her lamp in doing so. "What in the world are you doing?" she muttered at one point. But I finally got it, she cooed and said "Awww," and I dropped to one knee and said, "I've said this before and I meant it--every day without you is a day lost, and I don't want to lose any more days. Will you marry me?" She immediately said yes.

GrizzBabe Just Got Engaged!

Hot damn!!!