A Quck Post Before Bed

I'm doing a bit better this week. I haven't had a binge since Sunday (or was it Saturday?). I've been meditating more and paying more attention to my spiritual side and that, I think, has produced in me a more centered frame of mind. At least for the moment. I can't promise what tomorrow will be like.

I can always tell when my outlook is improving because I start to enjoy doing hobbies again -- like cooking. For the first time in a while, I'm actually looking forward to getting in my kitchen and whipping up a couple of cakes for a church luncheon this weekend. I'm thinking strawberry and coconut. Very Summery.

Anywho, I'm off to bed to do a short guided meditation (Thank you, Meditation Oasis!) which almost always ends with me snoring.

Good night, World!

Using Food to Numb the Pain

I have been on a bit of a binge compulsive overeating fest for the past two days. I was perplexed as to exactly why I felt compelled to throw everything except the kitchen sink into my mouth. I hadn't been feeling particularly stressed or anxious, which are what often triggers my compulsive overeating.

The mystery trigger revealed itself to me early this morning while I was lying in bed contemplating going to church, a place I haven't visited in about two months. I was feeling apprehensive about gracing the halls of what used to be a sanctuary for me because everyone would then see how fat I've become. During this latest bout of depression, I had put on the pounds pretty quickly and I was ashamed of the way I looked.

I also realized that these deep feelings of shame and inadequacy are not something that have just materialized as a result of my most recent struggles. Those feelings have always been there. They are the foundation upon which all of my neuroses have been built and they've become such a part of the structure that is my life that I often forget they are there.

No wonder I eat uncontrollably. It's the only way I know how to deal with my low self-esteem.

During my next counseling session, a month from now, I'll be asking my therapist about ways to change the way I view myself as well as some new coping mechanisms. It's the least I can do for myself.

Dreams: A Window into the Subconscious

In the book, Eating in the the Light of the Moon, Anita Johnston, PhD. talks about how dreams can provide information that can be useful in our recovery. According to Dr. Johnston, "A dream can tell where you are, where you have come from, where you need to go, and what you need to get there." Dreams are so vital that Dr. Johnston encourages readers to ask for a dream that will provide insight into our food issues. Though she didn't say exactly who it is we're supposed to ask, I decided to ask God. Some time later, my request was granted. I have recorded the dream below.

I should reveal that the dream occurred right after another "compulsive overeating" episode, a clinical term used by my therapist to describe my behavior.

***

This old, mentally unstable, slightly smelly, white, homeless woman (I'm including race here because I'm using this space to keep a record of my dreams. Though consciously it does not matter to me, it may matter to my subconscious) repeatedly breaks into my house and takes up residence in my pantry. I kick her out every time I come home and find her there. And every time she finds her way back in.

She's not a scary woman. I don't feel that my life is being threatened (Though at one point, I jump when she comes out of the pantry to greet me.) But I do feel extremely annoyed by her presence and have a strong sense that she shouldn't be there. I scream at her quite a bit in this dream, telling her to get out and not come back.

There are a lot of dogs in this dream. Two of them are mine - cute, snow white Maltese type dogs. The others are mangy-looking dogs that seem to be companions of the homeless woman. They are almost an afterthought. Though I want the dogs out, they aren't the main focus of my energies. The old woman is.

I say at one point, "How does she keep getting in? I'm gonna have to start locking all the doors", meaning I need to start locking the kitchen door that leads to the garage, a door a lot of people often leave unlocked when the garage door is down.

Of course the dream ended like all of my dreams do -- abruptly and with no resolution.

Any ideas on what you think the dream means?

Missing Person

Does anybody know where this person went? You know, the girl who used to write entertaining, funny posts. She seems to have disappeared.

If any of you have any information regarding her whereabouts, please let me know. She has been missed terribly.

A Healthier Response

A day after the confrontation I talked about in my last post, The Boyfriend and I had an opportunity to air things out over the phone. (Not the most ideal way to resolve conflict but when you're in a long-distance relationship, your options are limited.)

He apologized for overreacting and admitted his response was rooted in his fears of being abandoned. (This is something that is a direct result of his childhood.) He feared that if I gave up my caretaker role and stopped rescuing him or trying to fix him, that that would mean I wouldn't be as emotionally close to him. Not a logical conclusion to be sure but these things are rarely rooted in logic. After some reflection, he decided that me attempting to become emotionally healthy does not automatically equate to him being abandoned. He admitted that this was one of the issues on which he needed to work.

A couple of things moved me about The Boyfriend's handling of this situation: 1)After initially freaking out, he was able to regroup and respond in a healthy and supportive fashion, and 2) He did this without any input from me, without me taking on the role of caretaker or Ms. Fixit, telling him what he should and shouldn't think, proving that it is possible for us to break out of this pattern of relating in which we've become mired.

****

When I sat down at my desk and logged onto Blogger, I had initially planned to write about my first therapy session today, but I think I'll save that for next time. I had a little more to say about The Boyfriend and I than I had initially thought and I don't want this post to get too long. Suffice it to say that it was a good experience. I'll provide more details later.

Trying My Darndest To Recover

I was sitting at my computer reading an article on webmd about codependent relationships and thinking that it was an accurate description of me and my tendency to rescue and "fix" people. The article made me think about my dysfunctional childhood, the pain that it caused and how that played a role in the way I feel about myself and in my choice of coping mechanisms - food.

After a few moments of reflection, I started to feel some emotional discomfort. Not soon after, I felt the urge to reach for the dry roasted peanuts with sea salt sitting next to my desk. I decided not to numb myself with food and instead opted to sit with my pain for a moment. It burned like acid reflux in my chest.

I soon lost my focus though when I read an email from The Boyfriend responding to my declaration that we are two codependent people in a relationship together and how me coming to his rescue all the time and trying to fix him wasn't the healthiest of scenarios. For either of us.*

He wrote, "But what if that's just what I need? Are you planning on not being there for me because you think it's something you shouldn't do?"

I sat there in stunned silence for a moment. I hadn't expected to experience such opposition. And I certainly didn't anticipate The Boyfriend setting the stage to accuse me of "not being there" for him. I guess I should have known better though. You can't attempt to change the dynamics of a relationship without experiencing at least some resistance.

This whole recovery thing is going to be a lot harder than I thought.



* Okay, maybe that wasn't the smartest way to announce that revelation.