Alka-Seltzer: not just for acid indigestion

I read a post over at Funky Brown Chick's blog on the secret to great sex. She provided a link to a Redbook article entitled 20 Amazing Sex Secrets. It was the usual stuff -- read trashy novels, wear sexy underwear, strengthen your PC muscles, blah, blah, blah. Nothing too earth shattering. Until you get to the end of the article where "experts" offer some, shall we say, less conventional methods for adding a spark to your sex life.

Sit in front of your partner and give your genitals a voice. For instance, "I am happy to live with Margot," or "I'm unhappy she keeps me under the table." They may say, "I'm rusty and out of practice," or "It's about time you gave me some attention." Let your genitals speak for as long as needed. Then, switch roles.
—The Sexual Ecstasy Workbook by Margot Anand and Philip Duane Johncock

I can actually see myself doing this. Only I wouldn't name it Margot. I'd give my hooch a stripper name like Destiny, Fantasia or Delicious. Margot sounds like something I'd call my grandmother. By the way, anyone find it interesting that the last name of one of the authors is "Johncock"? You think that's his real name?

Underarm deodorant should be banned absolutely. A truly deodorized woman would be like a deodorized carnation.
—The Joy of Sex: Fully Revised & Completely Updated for the 21st Century by Alex Comfort

Okay. Ewwww. If you want to kill any chance of ever getting laid again, try going a few days without putting on the Right Guard. I don't think carnations were meant to smell that pungent.

You can achieve an eye-popping effect by wrapping the nipple with dental floss.
—Tricks to Please a Woman by Jay Wiseman

If by eye-popping effect, you mean doubled over in hysterical laughter, then I can see that.

Are you suddenly inspired by phallic objects around the house? Then get creative! Candles, rubber handles and cooking utensils will all get the job done very well. And when a friend uses that spatula to flip your pancakes, you'll get added pleasure from knowing where it's been!
—Toygasms! The Insider's Guide to Sex Toys and Techniques by Sadie Allison

If any of my beloved readers try this little tip, please let me know in the comment section. And then remind me to never, ever, ever accept a dinner invitation to your house. Or touch any knickknacks you may have that resemble a penis.

Insert a moistened Alka-Seltzer tablet in your love tunnel and beckon your man to enter. Makes an invigorating fizzy tingle for both of you.
—302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed by Olivia St. Claire

I am one of those people who relies heavily on intuition. I wouldn't describe myself as clairvoyant but I've always been able to get a sense of the outcome of certain situations. And my intuition tells me that if you stick a moistened Alka-Seltzer in your vaginal cavity, there will be a trip to the emergency room in your future.

Thank goodness for small favors

I had mentioned some time ago that heads were gonna roll at my company. Since then, I have been waiting rather impatiently for the first cranium to come spiraling out of The Sheriff's office. Unfortunately, I am still waiting. But we did get a bit of good news though.

The Sheriff called today to inform us that the employees of our paper and one of our sister publications will no longer report to The Vice-President but directly to him instead. This was music to our ears. None of the employees at either paper like The Vice-President. His character is questionable to say the least and lately the rumor mill has been churning out talk of financial misdealings. Regardless of the motivation behind this maneuver, I'm just glad we will be shielded from him to some extent. That should make our work life more bearable.

Quirky is as quirky does

During a recent phone conversation, I was basking in the unbridled adoration of my boyfriend, who was extolling my numerous lovable qualities. As he spoke, I could hear the faint sound of harps being gently plucked in the background, angels hummed in melodic unison and there was a golden glow emanating from above. My shower of praise was abruptly halted when he mentioned that one of his favorite things about me is that I am "slightly quirky."

When the words left his mouth, I am sure they were meant to be a compliment but by the time they had traveled through the hundreds of miles of fiber optic cable and bounced off a couple of satellites, it had been transformed into, "I love you but you are a grocery cart away from being that homeless woman who talks to herself and takes up residence in bus shelters." (This interpretation may very well be Exhibit A in the case against me.)

Whenever my friend P. and I would catch the shuttle to go see my favorite NBA team play, she would always remark that everyone on that bus was a weirdo, including me. I had always assumed she was joking so I never paid much attention to her comments but now I'm beginning to wonder. What is it about my personality that earns me the quirky label?

Admittedly, I have a rather strange taste in movies. After watching films like Happiness and The Piano Teacher, most of my sane friends usually hurl in disgust or at the very least go, "Huh?" I, on the other hand, revel in the dysfunction that is prevalent in these movies. That's not to say that I don't enjoy a good blockbuster. On occasion, I'll allow myself to be herded along with the masses into a theatre to watch the latest chick flick or action film. But I would much rather spend the majority of my entertainment dollars going to see Indie movies. And the sicker and more twisted the story line is the better.

According to The Boyfriend, I also have a penchant for making oddball comments, usually after noticing something that most people would simply ignore. It seems this skill manifests itself most often while watching television. Personally, I can't think of one thing I've said that fits into this category. Every comment I make seems normal and appropriate. To me. Of course the inability to recognize one's own weirdness may be the very definition of quirky.

Dictionary.com defines quirky as "strikingly unconventional". I like the sound of that. And it's a good thing too because I don't think I could be normal if I tried. Hell, I thought I was already being normal. How can I rid myself of the quirky aspects of my behavior if I have no idea what they are? So I've decided that if I can't buck the label, I might as well wear it like a badge of honor.

Besides, I've always been very fond of bus shelters.