Alka-Seltzer: not just for acid indigestion

I read a post over at Funky Brown Chick's blog on the secret to great sex. She provided a link to a Redbook article entitled 20 Amazing Sex Secrets. It was the usual stuff -- read trashy novels, wear sexy underwear, strengthen your PC muscles, blah, blah, blah. Nothing too earth shattering. Until you get to the end of the article where "experts" offer some, shall we say, less conventional methods for adding a spark to your sex life.

Sit in front of your partner and give your genitals a voice. For instance, "I am happy to live with Margot," or "I'm unhappy she keeps me under the table." They may say, "I'm rusty and out of practice," or "It's about time you gave me some attention." Let your genitals speak for as long as needed. Then, switch roles.
—The Sexual Ecstasy Workbook by Margot Anand and Philip Duane Johncock

I can actually see myself doing this. Only I wouldn't name it Margot. I'd give my hooch a stripper name like Destiny, Fantasia or Delicious. Margot sounds like something I'd call my grandmother. By the way, anyone find it interesting that the last name of one of the authors is "Johncock"? You think that's his real name?

Underarm deodorant should be banned absolutely. A truly deodorized woman would be like a deodorized carnation.
—The Joy of Sex: Fully Revised & Completely Updated for the 21st Century by Alex Comfort

Okay. Ewwww. If you want to kill any chance of ever getting laid again, try going a few days without putting on the Right Guard. I don't think carnations were meant to smell that pungent.

You can achieve an eye-popping effect by wrapping the nipple with dental floss.
—Tricks to Please a Woman by Jay Wiseman

If by eye-popping effect, you mean doubled over in hysterical laughter, then I can see that.

Are you suddenly inspired by phallic objects around the house? Then get creative! Candles, rubber handles and cooking utensils will all get the job done very well. And when a friend uses that spatula to flip your pancakes, you'll get added pleasure from knowing where it's been!
—Toygasms! The Insider's Guide to Sex Toys and Techniques by Sadie Allison

If any of my beloved readers try this little tip, please let me know in the comment section. And then remind me to never, ever, ever accept a dinner invitation to your house. Or touch any knickknacks you may have that resemble a penis.

Insert a moistened Alka-Seltzer tablet in your love tunnel and beckon your man to enter. Makes an invigorating fizzy tingle for both of you.
—302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed by Olivia St. Claire

I am one of those people who relies heavily on intuition. I wouldn't describe myself as clairvoyant but I've always been able to get a sense of the outcome of certain situations. And my intuition tells me that if you stick a moistened Alka-Seltzer in your vaginal cavity, there will be a trip to the emergency room in your future.