The not so Good Samaritan

On the way home from the grocery store, I spot a car sitting on the side of the road with its hazard lights on. As I turn down the street that leads to my house, I notice up ahead a guy walking. I assume that he is the owner of the disabled vehicle. I feel a twinge of pity for him, as it is over 90 degrees outside, but I do not stop.

This is my normal reaction whenever I see a broken down car with its owner stranded. I sympathize but I never stop. As a single woman, I am usually by myself. To say it is unwise to pick up strange men walking on the side of the road would be an understatement, regardless of how unfortunate their situation.

This all brought to mind an incident I experienced some time ago. One rainy--okay, it was pouring--afternoon, while driving in a well-to-do suburb, I passed a luxury vehicle parked on the side of the road with its hazard lights blinking. I approach a man walking in the rain wearing khakis, a dress shirt and a tie.

Despite the serial killer uniform, he looks respectable enough and I contemplate stopping to pick him up. As I slow down, I can see a glimmer of hope on his face as he looks at me out of the corner of his eye. Before coming to a complete stop, I have a change of heart and decide that he looks too much like Ted Bundy. I promptly speed off while watching his shoulders slump with disappointment in my rear view mirror.

I laughed out loud at my unintentional cruelty. It really was brutal to give the impression that I was going to stop only to drive off in my warm, dry and operable vehicle. With good Samaritans like me, who needs enemies?

So pathetic, but true

I'm a Lifer!

To you, a job is what pays the bills. You put in your hours, follow the rules, and then go home. Occasionally, you consider quitting, but then you think of how bad the job market is and you reconsider. Whatever happiness you get, you get from your life outside the workplace. Relationships, family, hobbies, and outside creative pursuits are what really matter to you. You're probably taking this test at work because you don't have anything better to do.

Talent: 46%
Lifer: 56%
Mandarin: 36%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

*********

And could they have picked two more pitiful characters to represent my personality type?

I'm gonna go slit my wrists now.

100 Things About Me

1. I am 39 years-old.

2. I have never been married.

3. I work for a newspaper.

4. I should really be doing something else with my life but my own fears have prevented me.

5. I am an only child.

6. My biological father is from Jamaica.

7. He and my mom divorced when I was a baby. He went back to Jamaica and I haven’t seen him since.

8. My stepfather was neither a good husband nor a good dad.

9. It’s not that I missed having my biological father in my life so much as I missed having a positive father figure.

10. My grandmother had premonitions, or what she called, “revelations from God.” I like to think I inherited some of her intuitiveness.

11. I’m learning to trust my intuitions more and more each day.

12. I have never had children.

13. As a professional babysitter, I’ve spent the last 20 years taking care of other people’s children.

14. Sometimes I fear this is as close as I will ever come to having kids of my own.

15. I love to cook.

16. I especially love to bake.

17. In my next life, I want to be a pastry chef.

18. I have almost 1000 recipes stored on my computer.

19. I sometimes attach my self-esteem to how well a dish turns out.

20. I collect kitchen gadgets.

21. I think I got my love of cooking from my stepfather’s aunt. She made awesome potato rolls and a multi-colored, three-layer cake with caramel icing that was to die for. I regret not getting that cake recipe before she died.

22. I would love to have a professional pedicure but think $30-plus is too much to pay.

23. I love my beautician, not because she does my hair especially well, but because of the hen-party atmosphere she creates.

24. I am also jealous of my beautician’s marriage.

25. I have seasonal allergies.

26. I take Claritin everyday, not for my sinuses, but for hives that break out inexplicably.

27. I told my allergist that I think my hives are caused by air.

28. My allergist thinks I’m nuts.

29. I am frustrated by the fact that I can’t seem to find a purse I like for under $100.

30. I’ve been told that I am a good listener.

31. At work, I am usually the person everyone tells his or her problems to.

32. I often ask probing questions to avoid talking about myself.

33. I sometimes wish people would ask me probing questions.

34. My friends can learn more about me from reading my blog than they could ever learn from me face-to-face.

35. When I was 16, I failed my driving test twice.

36. I was so emotionally scarred that I didn’t try again until I was 25.

37. I have never had a speeding ticket.

38. I have had 2 parking tickets.

39. Relationships are very important to me.

40. I let my love (overvaluing) of relationships delay my college graduation by 2 years.

41. My favorite TV shows are The X-Files and La Femme Nikita. Yes, I know they aren’t on TV anymore.

42. The only things I watch on TV now are basketball, The Food Network and HGTV.

43. The book, The Washingtonienne, inspired me to become a blogger.

44. I am very ticklish…(whispering) down there.

45. I also have a spot on my back that, when touched, turns me into a giggling 3 year-old.

46. I can’t swim.

47. But I am a world-class dog paddler.

48. I can’t find anyone who can wax my eyebrows the way I like them, or the same way twice.

49. My favorite color is navy blue.

50. I have never been to the dentist.

51. I bought my first house in August of 2005.

52. The flowerbed in my backyard looks like a jungle and I don’t care.

53. I have never mowed a lawn.

54. I color my hair because I started turning gray at 25.

55. I voted for Ralph Nader in the last presidential election.

56. While living in a college dorm, my suitemates were having a lesbian affair and I didn’t find out about it until after the fact.

57. Two years later, my college roommates were having a lesbian affair and I never knew it until after it was over.

58. Apparently, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

59. I am not a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. ;)

60. Foods I hate: beets, sauerkraut, anchovies, and sardines.

61. Foods I love: meatloaf, pizza, chocolate cake, fried chicken, anything spicy, liver and onions, cheeseburgers, French fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, green peas, rice with butter and sugar. In other words, nothing healthy.

62. I believe aliens exist though I’ve never been abducted.

63. I spend most of my free time at my computer.

64. I love movies.

65. I usually forgo typical Hollywood movies in favor of more edgy, independent films.

66. I especially like movies where the characters are twisted and/or highly dysfunctional.

67. I have started a “weird” movie collection.

68. My two favorite Hollywood hotties are Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves.

69. Most of my favorite music is sung by women: Jill Scott, India.aire, Erykah Badu, Sade, Alanis Morrisette, Sarah McLachlan, Cyndi Lauper.

70. I am deathly afraid of amusement rides.

71. My most embarrassing moment involves a tube top and a moon bounce.

72. During PMS, I eat like there’s no tomorrow, I get really horny and I become emotionally sensitive.

73. I have two weeks out of the month where I am normal. The rest of the time, I am a slave to my hormones.

74. I let my seventh grade crush get away because I didn’t know how to express my feelings.

75. I am 39 years old and I am just now learning how to do that.

76. I love bookstores and libraries.

77. As a kid, my mom and I would go to the library where we would spend hours.

78. I have fond memories of having breakfast at the Steak N’ Egg with my mom on Saturday mornings.

79. Chick lit is my secret indulgence.

80. I am allergic to nickel.

81. I can only wear nickel-free earrings.

82. My favorite cookie is chocolate chip.

83. I am a night owl.

84. While compiling this list, I listened to Janet Jackson, Erykah Badu and Sade.

85. I am dancing in my chair to Janet Jackson at this very moment.

86. I won’t let the kids I babysit put too much sugar on their cornflakes even though I put 1/4 cup of sugar on my Cheerios every morning. I feel like such a hypocrite.

87. My favorite cereal is Crunch Berries.

88. In college, I got caught cheating in sewing class.

89. Jane Austin is one of my favorite authors because she had a knack for exposing the plight of women of her time without appearing to be a feminist.

90. While working on this list, my electricity went off for an hour. I have never been so bored in my life.

91. Now that the electricity is back on, I am chair dancing to Janet Jackson again.

92. One of my favorite things to do with my girlfriends is to go to a Mexican restaurant and pig out on tortilla chips and cheese dip while drinking a margarita.

93. My sneezes are so loud that I often scare people.

94. Going to the grocery store is the highlight of my week. I love grocery shopping almost as much as I love cooking.

95. I always wear a bra, even to bed.

96. My parents were part owners of a convenience store. I spent my junior high and high school years working there. It was slave labor.

97. I did perfect my Miss Pacman skills though while working at the convenience store

98. I love to spend my lunch hour in my car, eating fast food and listening to sports talk radio.

99. I hate coffee. It tastes like watered down dirt. I like my dirt undiluted.

100. Coming up with 100 things about myself was really hard, like pulling teeth.

Father's Day

My stepfather won’t be winning any Father of the Year awards. He was an habitual adulterer, a tyrant, and an all around excellent example of what a dad should not be. But on this day, Father’s Day, if you put a gun to my head, I could find a couple of reasons to thank him:

1. Even though he was a whoremonger, my stepfather came home every night. There’s a certain security that comes from knowing your father will always be there. I was never burdened with the fear of my stepfather abandoning us. Not everybody can say that.
2. He was a good provider. My stepfather went to work every day to make sure we had food on the table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. And it wasn’t just the necessities that he gave us. He also tried his best to satisfy the material wants of my mom and I. For that, I am grateful.

As much as I hated my stepfather as a child, I realize now that he was doing the best he knew how to do and as best as he was emotionally capable of doing at the time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough and I still carry the scars. But, in his limited ability, he tried to step up and fill the shoes my biological father left behind, something that hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Stranded

A friend was telling me about a TV show called "Stranded" where B-list celebrities discuss who, among set choices, they would prefer to be stranded on an island with. Riveting television, I know, but the show succeeded in one respect, it got me thinking about who I would want to be on an island with. I came up with a list of choices. I tried to stay away from selections that tempted me to focus solely on sex appeal and opted for some unusual pairings.


Pee Wee Herman or Gilbert Gottfried

I find both of these men very annoying and I suspect they each have no skill whatsoever that could be used to get us off the island, which presents quite a dilemma for me. Since I would end up killing whichever comedian I ended up with, I am going with the one who doesn't give me the creeps.
Advantage: Gottfried


Bill Clinton or George W. Bush

I thought my choice here would be based on whom I respected more but since both gentleman have, in my opinion, dishonored the presidency in different ways, I had to come up with a different criterion. Skill, as a determining factor, was out because both of these men have the usefulness of a gnat. Bill would spend all of his time seducing the young island women while George would probably organize an attack against the angry natives to control all of the coconuts. I finally decided to go with the president who wields the most influence over an electorate that can pressure the federal government into a fervent search and rescue effort. Since the red states have dominated the last two elections, I'm going with their leader.
Advantage: Bush


Osama Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein

Let's see, how do I want to die? In a slow, calculated attack or in a fit of emotional rage? When death is the inevitable conclusion, does it really matter how you go?
Advantage: None


Princess Diana, Grace Kelly or Jackie O

All of these women were the epitome of grace and beauty but Princess Di gets my nod. She had a knack for always being perfectly coordinated regardless of the occasion. Her shoes matched her handbag, which matched her suit, which was perfectly accentuated by her jewelry. Assuming that car accident never happened, I would want her to impart her fashion secrets to me before Dodi Al-Fayed comes to rescue us.
Advantage: The Princess of Wales

Grocery store etiquette

As I was walking down the frozen food aisle, I took notice of two single guys. They had to be single. The contents of their shopping cart screamed bachelor: chips, soda, frozen dinners. That's it. They each were standing in front of a freezer with the door wide open trying to decide which nutrient-deficient, trans-fat laden item to place in their basket next.

Apparently they were unaware that glass is see-through or else they would have decided on their selections before opening the door thereby avoiding the foggy glass syndrome that results from staring at frozen food items with the door open. The problem is perpetuated when the next bachelor comes along looking for tasteless Hungry Man dinners. In order to see the selection, he has to stand with the door open too.

Single guys, just keep the door closed until you've decided what items you're buying. And would it kill you to put at least one vegetable in your cart?

My Myers-Briggs Personality Type

I’m a sucker for personality tests so when I came across www.personalitypage.com, a site that tests for your personality type, I got excited. With little regard for the integrity of the site, I eagerly surrendered my credit card number. The test cost me $5 (and probably Chinese takeout for the site administrator and his entire fraternity) but it was well worth it. I'll spare you most of the boring details and hit the high points.

I am an

INFJ

That means I am an

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging type.

This particular type is labeled "The Protector." I have no idea why.

According to my results, as an INFJ my

"...primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system..."

This is definitely true. When faced with an important decision, I will research, collect data, and analyze until the cows come home, only to end up going with my gut feeling. And my gut is usually right.

"INFJs are gentle caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types."

I knew I was a freak of nature. This just confirms it.

"INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done...INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk."

Sombody alert the authorities! These people have found out where I work, broken into my office and surveyed my desk! The lengths some people go to achieve accurate results.

"...most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back a part of themselves, and can be secretive."

Anyone who knows me can attest to the accuracy of this statement. I've been told that I am not very open and that I am very hard to get to know. In addition, I am so secretive, that nobody, and I do mean nobody, knows everything there is to know about me. I always hold back something. There are a few people that if you locked them in a room together to confer with each other, they might begin to have a grasp on who I am. I have a difficult time being vulnerable enough to allow one person to see the whole me. This is an area of my life that is a work in progress.INFJs are"...very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict my drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger..."causing Shenequia, the goddess of angry black women, to rise forth and crush all those who dare step in her path."...INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them..."This is it! This is why I am rarely ever happy or content with my life. Now I understand! This is the best $5 I have ever spent."INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn."The two young boys I babysit can vouch for the fact that I am very hard-nosed. But I do it with their best interests at heart. I require a lot from them and I expect them to meet those requirements. There have been instances where homework time has resulted in tears and cries of "I can't do it!" and "I don't want to do it!" I tell them to suck it up and do it anyway. When they quit the negative self-talk and put their minds to it, they end up doing the very thing they declared they could not. Now, when the kids have to study for a test, they opt to study with me instead of their mom, because my stubborness and hard-nosed approach usually results in a better grade.

Hello, my name is Grizzbabe and I'm a people pleaser

Sometimes, when I describe myself as a people pleaser, I experience a twinge of shame, like I should be in a 12-step program to rid myself of this self-destructive behavior. But I have come to accept that being eager to please can have advantages as well as disadvantages. For instance, being a people pleaser helps me in my job. Because I am motivated to make people happy, I am able to provide a level of service to our clients that they may not get from someone who is less concerned about their satisfaction. Most of the time, being a people pleaser works for me, except on days like today.

My neighbor across the street rang my doorbell this evening and announced that her husband's brother is running for U.S. Congress and asked if I would mind putting a removable sticker on my car. This candidate that my neighbor wants me to endorse is the son of one of the most disliked politicians in the city. The father has anger management issues, is a womanizer and, most recently, has been indicted for accepting money in exchange for supporting legislation. I've learned not to hold the sins of the father against his offspring but what I really dislike about this candidate is that he doesn't live in this district. Hell, he doesn't even live in this state. He's an entertainment lawyer from California moving here just so he can run for office.

When my neighbor asked me to put that carpetbagger's sticker on my car, I wanted to respond by saying, "I would rather have someone saw off my right arm with a steak knife and then beat me over the head with it." What actually came out of my mouth sounded more like, "Yeah, sure." What is wrong with me?!? Why was I so concerned about hurting my neighbor's feelings that I compromised my beliefs? Couldn't I have come up with a diplomatic reason to deny her request? Or couldn't I have at least lied and told her that I don't like to put political stickers on my car? Anything to prevent me from driving around the city endorsing a political candidate I hate.

Maybe I do need to be in a 12-step program.