I need help.

I am a sick person. A very, very, very sick person.

Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.

And that's not the worst of it.

Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.

Do I have some sort of death wish or something?

They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.

What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.

A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.

Stay tuned. . .

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Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.

One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.

I needed to get that off my chest too.

I finally have something to say.

You would think that, with being jobless, I would have had oodles of time to do mindless things like drone on endlessly in the blogosphere, to no one in particular, about the mundane details of my life. And I have. Had oodles of time, that is. But what I also found is that I've had very little to say. The mundane details just seemed too. . .well, mundane, which is why I seemed to have gone M.I.A. as of late.

But now. . .NOW, I have something to say. An announcement of sorts. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Good, 'cause here it is:
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I HAVE A JOB!!!!

That's right. Grizzbabe is BACK! Back in the coal mines with the rest of you slobs, slaving away like a migrant worker. No more living off the government dole for me. No sirree. I gots me a payin' gig!

Where am I working you ask?

In the interest of anonymity and all that, let's just say I'm working as an administrative assistant for a non-profit organization that specializes in mentoring children.

How did I get this job you query?

(A bunch of nosy fuckers!)

Good old-fashioned networking. (I'm living proof that it's not just what you know it's who you know.)

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my associate pastor that I would be interested in volunteering for a non-profit until I could secure full-time employment. Having been a former Executive Director in the non-profit arena, she tossed a few contact names my way and, within a week, I was volunteering at two organizations, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.

I started on a Monday and by Thursday, both organizations had expressed an interest in hiring me part-time with one position having the potential of going full-time. Well, once the organization that wanted to eventually hire me permanently found out about my other volunteer activities, a full-time offer was put on the table, which I accepted.

And I am so grateful. Grateful to be working again, but also to be helping a great bunch of people to advance such a worthy cause.

How does this affect The Boyfriend and I's marriage plans?

Good question. I'll let you know when we figure it out.

Thoughts

The battle between me and food is getting more difficult, more intense. I have trouble dealing with my feelings of deprivation which causes me to want to inhale my entire pantry to satisfy some warped part of me. Only I never feel fully satiated despite my relentless efforts to eat my way to emotional well-being. My blood sugar is the casualty in all of this. How long can it continue to take hits before turning on me?

In happier news, I have lost a remarkable amount of weight, 65lbs total. I've bought new clothes, cute clothes, in styles and sizes I haven't seen in years. I suppose that could be a motivation of sorts.

Wednesday, I'm leaving for a 10-day stay in Chicago to do some job hunting and to spend some time with The Boyfriend. I was just there a week and a half ago so it's a real treat to be with my beloved again so soon.

On my last visit, I made the mistake of thinking out loud concerning my ideas on redecorating and rearranging the furniture once, you know, we get married and I move in for good. My recommendations? To put his coffee table (and maybe an end table) in storage to reduce some of the clutter and create more space in his tiny living room. He was so resistant that you would have thought I'd suggested we haul all his stuff off and chop it up to use for kindling while I moved in my stuff. I, of course, suggested nothing of the sort but, to him, it felt like I did.

This whole marriage thing, it's about making room for one another, right? Not just emotionally but physically as well. Yeah, we're still working on that.

How The Boyfriend and I are different.

Me: Now that your work schedule has changed, which nights do you want to talk on the phone?

(In case you've just arrived to the party, The Boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship)

The Boyfriend: Let's play it by ear.

(short pause)

Me: I'm a planner. I don't like playing things by ear.

The Boyfriend: OH, GOD!

I could hear his eyes rolling like pinballs into the back of his head.

I went on to explain in mind-numbing detail how my life works much better if I know exactly what I'm going to do when.

The Boyfriend: Fine! You pick which days we're going to talk. It really doesn't matter to me.

Of course, I wasn't going to be a total control-freak and not take his feelings into consideration so we struck a compromise -- we talk on Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. If one of us wants to talk more, then we could give the other a call. If the other person is available then we talk; if not, we save the conversation for another day. It's the best of both worlds. I get my structure and he gets his flexibility.

I wished all of life's "problems" worked themselves out this easily.

Now, someone promise me that this is as difficult as it's going to get.

Odds and Ends

I woke up this morning with the desire to write, so here I am. I'm sure it has something to do with my reading habits as of late. I just finished Karen Armstrongs's Through the Narrow Gate. I'm also reading The Year of Living Biblically by A. J. Jacobs. I'm always interested in other people's spiritual journeys, especially when it takes them away from orthodoxy, because I'm still very much on an unorthodoxed journey of my own. I'm in pleasant and comfortable territory but I haven't gotten a full lay of the land yet. I'm still trying to find my way through the mysterious terrain of spirituality and so I read about others who have navigated this area before. I don't always follow their path but reading about their journeys helps me to find my bearings.

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The Boyfriend and I are still wrestling with marriage and finances. I think "wrestling" is an accurate term. It seems healthier and more productive than "arguing" or even "disagreeing". "Wrestling" indicates that we're trying to find an approach to finances that satisfies us both, that we're not caught up in pettiness, that we are truly seeking what is best for us as individuals and as a couple. Yes, I think "wrestle" is the right word.

******

The Week Ahead

Monday: Even though I'm unemployed, I'm thankful to have this day "off". I don't plan to do much -- maybe clean up a little (emphasis on "little"), maybe do a load of laundry, probably get in a workout and that's about it. Oh, yeah, and I'll probably make tacos for dinner.

Tuesday: It's nose back to the job searching grindstone. I plan to send out about 5 resumes (it takes longer than you think, people), do some aerobics and then go to a friend's house for dinner. She lives in another county so I'll be making quite the trek. I love this friend. She's one of my favorite people. Her religious views are a bit unorthodoxed as well but not as unorthoxed as mine. She's still welcomed by the mainstream religious establishment. Me? Like Jesus did to the moneychangers, I'd be driven out of the temple as a heretic.

Wednesday: In keeping with my heretical religious views, I am going to my local county commission meeting to listen as they read a proposed non-discrimnation ordinance that ensures gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the transgendered are treated fairly in government and in the workforce. I truly believe it's what Jesus would do.

Thursday: My favorite day of the week, because it's grocery shopping day. I love to grocery shop! I love going up and down the aisles, surveying all the grocery items, imaging what I might cook with them someday. It's often the hightlight of my week. Sad, I know.

Friday: Friday is a big day. I'm having my friend Julie over for dinner. We're going to grill steaks. Or should I say she's going to grill steaks. I'm making creamed spinach and sauteed mushrooms. I'll probably roast some shrimp and make some homemade cocktail sauce for an appetizer. For dessert, I'm leaning towards a summery, diabetic-friendly banana pudding. Bon appetit!

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 71: How an unemployed person keeps herself busy.

By cooking!

That's what I've been doing for the past couple of months -- trying out new recipes and making them diabetic-friendly.

Just this morning, I made a ham and cheese quiche with a diabetic-friendly whole wheat crust.



Other things I've made are:

The infamous non-diabetic friendly Chocolate Chip Banana Nut Muffins I made for church.


I also made a yummy diabetic-friendly version with Splenda and whole wheat flour. I omitted the chocolate chips.




Last week, I made Kung Pao Chicken. It was da' bomb!



A deceptively good diabetic-friendly cherry crisp. A friend of mine, a non-diabetic, almost ate the whole thing by herself.

Diabetic-friendly Sloppy Joes


Diabetic-friendly Thousand Island dressing.


Funky looking but delicious whole wheat biscuits.


Whole wheat buttermilk pancakes.


And the list goes on.

I love cooking. And what better time to expand my repertoire then while I'm unemployed?

Both my mom and uncle are diabetics but they eat the same uninspiring things day in and day out. If I had to do that, I'd slit my wrists and put myself out of my misery. Diabetic-friendly doesn't have to be synonymous with boring.

I've started a blog, The Cooking Diva, where I've begun to post some of these recipes. Hopefully, I can fulfill a niche out there and help make someone else's diagnosis seem a little less like it's the end of the world.

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 54: My First Disappointment

Soon after applying for unemployment, I found out about a government program that offers educational funds to displaced or low-wage earning workers. These funds allow the poor and unemployed to finish their degree or upgrade their skills so they may find better paying jobs. One of the many requirements that must be fulfilled in order to receive this funding is attending a career workshop given by the local unemployment office.

I didn't expect any earth shattering revelations as a result of the workshop. I only went because I wanted someone else to pay for the PowerPoint and accounting classes I wanted to take and. . .they were giving away $50 to everyone who stayed after the workshop and took a career readiness exam. So I was surprised when I discovered something that may very well shape my career from here on out.

During the workshop, we did a True Colors personality assessment. The instructor handed out 4 cards - blue, gold, green, and orange. On the back of each card was a list of personality traits associated with each color. We were asked to pick out our two dominant colors based on the list of traits. Mine were gold and blue. Golds and blues have the following characteristics:

Blues are idealists. They motivate and inspire other people to get the job done, usually in a peaceful manner.They're the ones that can find peace when others are out of control. Blues must feel their work is important. Blues are sincere, sensitive, loyal and people-oriented. Famous blues include Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi.

Golds are guardians. They're very task-oriented.They want to get the job done because that's the goal. Golds like rules, policies and procedures. Golds respond to duty and loyalty. They're responsible and keep organizations going. Famous golds include Colin Powell.

Finding out I was a gold was not a surprise. Golds are administrators and I've been administrating in some form or fashion for the past 17 years. What I wasn't aware of was my strong blue tendencies. What struck me most about the blue personality type is that they are service-oriented people who have to find meaning in what they do. This means working toward the greater good of humanity. Blues are usually social workers, counselors, teachers, clergy, etc.

This revelation was the reason I was excited when my yoga teacher told me about an administrative assistant opening at a non-profit organization that provides services to people who have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. At first, I didn't realize why I was so happy to be applying for this job, but then I remembered the results of my personality assessment and it all made sense. Finally, a job where I get to combine my gold AND my blue! It sounded too good to be true.

And it was.

A month after filling out the application and submitting my resume, I discovered that the position had been filled. This after being told by my yoga teacher, who I later found out was chairman of the board, that I would at least get an interview. As it turned out, I didn't even get that.

A woman with 17 years of administrative experience can't even get a stinkin' interview?

The only explanation I can come up with is they hired someone from within, someone already familiar with the organization and its programs.

Or maybe I'm thinking too highly of myself and creating excuses to sooth a bruised ego.

In any event, I guess I shouldn't really be too upset about it. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And obviously that job was not what the Universe has planned for me.

I think the message in all of this is that I need to continue to pursue careers that require both blue and gold personality traits, careers that are focused on a cause higher than myself. It's no longer enough for me to work hard and line the pockets of investors. I need to work for a more noble cause. I need to feel that what I do matters, that my job has a positive impact on people's lives, that it makes the world a better place.

I Am Not Perfect

I'm having a bad day.

Actually, I've been having a bad last few days.

It all started when I was invited to a cookout on Saturday. I had thought I would enjoy a dinner of veggie burgers (because my friends are vegetarians), chips and a moderate sampling of the kick-ass brownies I made. A splurge but nothing too crazy. But when I got there, I discovered that, although it was indeed a cookout in the sense that they cooked outside, the menu consisted of fried fish, french fries, hushpuppies, carbs, carbs and more carbs. Of course, I haven't had any of that stuff in over 6 months so I indulged in a moderate fashion. Only thing is, everyone else around me was overindulging, eating whatever they wanted without the least bit of concern for their blood sugars. Or their waistlines. I was envious. They were particularly gaga over my brownies. They were inhaling them because they were just that damn good! I wanted to join in but I couldn't. All I could do was watch longingly, wishing for the days before I was diagnosed.

Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had to make chocolate chip banana nut muffins for church on Sunday. I didn't even taste the muffins because I had indulged so the day before. In retrospect, I wished I had because since then I've been overindulging in peanuts (among other things) obsessive compulsively trying to satisfy that feeling of deprivation and wrecking havoc on my blood sugar in the process (at least I think I've been wrecking havoc. I'm too scared to find out.)

Since I've been diagnosed, I've made incredible progress. I've probably lost over40 pounds. As a result, none of my clothes fit anymore. Before this latest episode, my blood sugar was near normal levels. I've been eating right (for the most part) and exercising regularly. I've been told that I've been an inspiration and an example to many. For that reason, I feel a pressure sometimes to not disappoint people and to continually put up this image that I always have things under control. But let me just confess right now, that although I've done well, incredibly well, I'm not perfect. I falter from time to time. Sometimes, it ain't pretty. But I think the key to achieving long-term success in battling this disease, is the ability to pick myself up, dust myself off and get going again. I hope to start doing that today.

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 34: Busier Than a One-Armed Paper Hanger

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But that is the best explanation for my absence in the blogosphere as of late.

Being unemployed is incredibly time consuming.

My days are filled with all sorts of things that don't always have immediate results in regards to employment but must be done just the same -- spending entire days at the unemployment office, career workshops, resume revamping, teaching myself PowerPoint, posting status updates to Facebook, watching Barefoot Contessa, etc.

Of course, I also spend a good deal of time sending out resumes to potential employers both here in my hometown and in Chicago.

Add in my yoga workouts, my daily devotionals and the occasional errand and the day can get away from me pretty quickly.

Even though I am as busy during the day as I was when I was working, the busyness doesn't seem to have quite the same effect on my body or mind. "Working" from home, at my leisure, doing mostly what I want to do, does not leave me as physically or emotionally drained at the end of the day as working in an office did.

This causes the days and weeks to just fly by. I start the week tackling my little to do list and, before I know it, it's the weekend. And how refreshing is it to spend a Sunday evening not dreading the coming Monday?

I could get used to this lifestyle.

But. I won't. I'll just revel in it instead.

Oh, I'll always diligently look for full-time employment, but I'm also going to savor every second of every day that I don't have to work for "the man".

Snow!

Okay, we don't get much of that stuff here in the South so it's a big deal.

I'm putting the digital camera I got for Christmas to work.

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 3: Stressing

I am stressing today. As a result I am stress eating, nothing too major but more than my blood sugar should probably have to handle. I need to learn how to deal with the anxiety of this time without compromising my health. I want to come out on the other side of this better off - financially, spiritually, and physically - but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all.

God, where do I start?

I would like to move to Chicago, at least for a little while, to look for a job. But my mom doesn’t seem excited about this option whenever I bring it up. She hasn’t come out verbally against it but I can tell more by what she doesn’t say than by what she says. And this is the same woman who said she would like The Boyfriend and I to spend some time in the same city getting to know each other. How does she expect that to happen without one of us moving to be with the other?

Maybe she envisions The Boyfriend being the one to make the move. But, to be honest, that is not an option. The Boyfriend has tuition reimbursement benefits at his current job. He just finished up his two-year degree in English. If he were to leave his job now, he would have to pay all of that money back, something he cannot afford to do.

And then there’s the issue of living arrangements. Unless I find a really great paying job, I cannot afford to live in Chicago on my own. The Boyfriend and I would have to live together. My mother has clearly stated that she thinks this is wrong. Yet, she doesn’t want us to get married unless we’ve lived in the same city. But the odds of finding a job that would afford me the luxury of having my own place is not good, especially in this economy. Making my situation even more complicated is the fact that my uncle would probably not financially support me while I looked for another job if The Boyfriend and I were cohabitating without the benefit of marriage.

Of course, The Boyfriend and I can always get married to appease the family but I am starting to resent having to bend so far backwards to gain their approval.

The house is another issue, but I’ve about decided that when I move to Chicago for good I’m going to try and sell the house for whatever I can get and pray I don’t end up owing money in the end.

To make matters worse, all of these problems are bound together with cords of doubt and uncertainty. I want to spend some time in Chicago looking for another job but I am unsure if that’s the road the Universe would have me take, if it’s the direction that will eventually lead me to the promised land where my life will be more prosperous than before. I just don’t know.

The Life of the Unemployed, Day 2: Ash Wednesday

I felt as if Pastor Cheryl's sermon during the Ash Wednesday service tonight was written just for me. She talked about how the ashes on our foreheads represented death and that Lent is the season for preparing for resurrection.

Well, isn't it interesting that I lost my job at this particular time, during this particular liturgical season? It's like a death to my old self, to an old part of me that needed to die so that something new could be resurrected.

I hung on to my job for way too long. I probably should have left a decade ago. God had to kill that position off. He murdered it, stabbed it, strangled the last breath out of it so that I would move on to something else.

Now, I'm left with the task of preparing for my resurrection. What my resurrection will look like or how it will come about, I do not know. All I know is that I'm open.

The Life of the Unemployed: Day 1

After being laid off from my job of 16 years, I spent my first day of unemployment moping around the house. I didn't break down and have a crying fit like I thought I would but I was pretty much in a daze the entire day. About an hour after I had returned home, I stopped resisting the urge to put on my pajamas and curl up in a fetal position on my bed. It was somewhat cathartic. By 6 p.m. though, I had declared an end to my moping. Tomorrow, I said to myself, I'm going to start being deliberate about how I spend my days. I decided to spend the next week relaxing, clearing my head and not making any major decisions. I also vowed to do only what I enjoy doing.

Today, my first full day of unemployment, I've stayed true to the promise I made to myself. So far, here's how I've spent my day:

8:30 a.m. Got out of bed. For months now, I've been going to bed at 11:30 p.m or midnight every night and feeling exhausted by the time my alarm went off at 7 a.m. Last night, I didn't even bother setting my alarm. I let my body get as much sleep as it needed and boy did I feel better for it.

8:45-9:45 a.m. Ate breakfast and did my devotional. For the first time, I am attending a church that acknowledges the liturgical seasons. That means I get to celebrate Lent, which I have never done before . During the church service on Sunday (before I was laid off), I had decided to "fast" some of my time (I know I'm stretching the fasting concept here but work with me) and do my devotional every day for 40 days, a task that sadly I have yet to accomplish and lately have been EXTREMELY lax about. I'm glad I made this decision because I've suddenly found myself in what could possibly be a very tumultuous time in my life and I can use all the spiritual enlightenment I can get.

9:45-10:45 a.m. Yoga. This falls into the "do only what I enjoy doing" category. I LOVE yoga. It's good for the body but it's also very calming to both the mind and the spirit and I'm going to need a calm mind and a calm spirit as I navigate through all the red tape at the unemployment office.

11:00-12:00 p.m. Ate lunch and did dishes. Now, you may not think that doing dishes would be something that I would enjoy doing but I haven't done dishes since my fiance's last visit on Feb. 14. That's a long time ago and a lot of dishes. They are beginning to take over my kitchen and I plan to wrestle its possession back into my control.

12:10 p.m. I noticed that the passenger side lock on my car would not open. I shrugged my shoulders, entered my car through the driver's side and went on my merry way.

12:30-1:30 p.m. Visited with former co-workers and spread the news of my lay off to the ladies at my gynecologist's office next door.

1:30 p.m. I examined the lock on my passenger door and realized that someone had tried to break into my car. This must have occurred either while I was at home or at my Monday night yoga class. Those are the only places where my car was parked for any length of time.

1:45-2:45 p.m. I spent $40 at Walmart on necessities! Don't they know I just lost my job?!?

3:30 p.m. Called the sheriff's department and filed a report for my attempted car break-in just in case I decide to file an insurance claim.

5:00 p.m. Left for my weekly Bible study. I had originally considered dropping out of this study, but that was when I was working multiple jobs, going to yoga once a week and handbell practice on Wednesdays. Now that I have all the time in the world, I think I'll keep this activity if for no other reason then to have one hour a week where I am not focusing on myself and my joblessness.

Grizzbabe lost her job today.

It wasn't totally unexpected. We've been laying off people left and right. I figured it was just a matter of time before I'd get the axe too. As it turns out, they are combining two offices and since the office manager at the other office makes less than I do, well yours truly got let go.

Even though I've given myself permission to grieve, I seem to be doing ok so far, especially for someone who abhors uncertainty. I'm going to take a few days (or a week) to relax, clear my head, and figure out what I'm going to do next. Because I have no idea.

Losing Myself

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted.
One moment.
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

--Marshall Mathers

Grizzbabe is officially published! Like in a real newspaper and stuff! Of course, the newspaper happens to be one of my company's publications but that's beside the point. The point is that I'm published, byline and everything!

I'd post the column here but I don't want to violate any copyright laws. Not that I've let that bother me before, but this is my job we're talking about here. I'd hate to get fired because I reprinted my company's copyrighted material somewhere else.

The piece was about my Career Day experience at a local elementary school. After discussing the event with our editor, he said that I could write a column about it if I wanted. I almost didn't take him up on the offer. I didn't want to spend my only day off wrestling with my writing in the neurotic, self-critical way I tend to do. But The Boyfriend gently encouraged me to not let this opportunity pass me by. He was right. I chose to relax on my day off, but I wrote my article on company time the next day. Fortunately, I had the office to myself for a good portion of the afternoon so I was able to create something in my typical over-exaggeration-for-comedic-effect style and the editor seemed to like it.

Where my writing goes from here I do not know. But I've made a vow to myself to take Eminem's advice and seize every opportunity that comes my way, to lose myself in the moment, to grab it, hold on to it and make it mine. I don't want my fear of success to cause me to miss my chance to actually be successful, because who knows if another opportunity will come.

Marriage and Finances, Part 2: Managing Expectations

As I've mentioned before, I've had some pretty specific ideas about what my future husband's role should be in our finances. I envisioned marrying someone more capable and financially prudent than I am, someone who is sort of a visionary and has the ability to see what our financial future can be and has the discipline and know-how to get us there.

Now I'm realizing that that ideal is totally inconsistent with my reality. The Boyfriend wants a prosperous financial future for us as well but, to be honest, he has a little difficulty finding the forest when all he can see is trees. He discourages easily and is a glass half-empty kind of guy. That's not a knock on The Boyfriend so much as it is a recognition of the truth.

I recently asked The Boyfriend to come up with a budget for us as a couple. He saw no value in the exercise because, he said, he makes so little money that there's not much to budget. Regardless of how passionately I tried to explain it to him, he was unable to grasp that the financial picture of us as a couple will be very different than the one he sees now. His mindset was so focused on the circumstances of today that he had a hard time stepping back and getting a glimpse of our tomorrow.

Part of our struggle with finances stems from my own unmet expectations. I resented being the one to ask The Boyfriend to do a budget when my ideal dictated that he would take the initiative. I even accused him of not caring about money matters as much as I did.

I finally realized it's unfair to project these unrealistic expectations on The Boyfriend. It's wrong of me to ask The Boyfriend to be a visionary and a planner when those aren't his strong suits. So I am tossing my expectations out the window. I'm trying to come to grips with the idea that I may have to take a more proactive role in our finances. I may have to be the one to initiate the discussion on financial goals and then be the one to analyze our bills and come up with a plan of action to achieve those goals.

I wouldn't be the first woman to become actively involved with the finances in a relationship. There are many married women who hold the purse strings because they are better at it. I don't think I'm better at managing money than The Boyfriend (Have you seen my checkbook?). But I do suspect that I may be better suited, at least at this particular point in our relationship, for doing certain things -- like planning and budgeting. Or maybe The Boyfriend should be the one to manage the finances and I should be the one to encourage him in the areas he needs it most. Either way, our relationship will be better served if I stopped chasing after fairy tales and started dealing head-on with my reality.

The Proposal

I should have my girly-girl card taken away from me. Immediately. With no possibility of appeal. For I have brought shame onto all of womanhood. I am not deserving of being considered part of the tribe. I have failed my fellow sisters.

What infraction have I committed to warrant such a drastic assessment, you ask? Well, within five seconds of The Boyfriend's proposal, I had completely forgotten what had just transpired. I could not recall, with any degree of accuracy, the details of one of the most pivotal moments in my life. I imagine most card-carrying members of the Girly-Girl Society could not only recite the exact words their beloved muttered before sliding the ring on their finger, but they could probably tell you what he was wearing, what they had for dinner, what time they got up that morning, etc. Me? Not so much.

It's not that I wasn't happy about being betrothed and pushed all memories out of my mind. I was very happy. I still am. But for some reason, the moment I said, "Yes, I will marry you", my mind was wiped clean like a big ol' chalkboard. Oh, I could see the remnants of what was once written, but I couldn't make anything out. It was all just a big blur.

Since I seemed to have become a victim of Early-onset Alzheimer's, I am going to rely on The Boyfriend's account of this event and hope that the Girly-Girl powers-that-be won't be too hard on me.

. . .The actual proposal went off pretty much the way I planned it. Last night after spending time at a church function playing bingo and eating dry BBQ, my girlfriend and I came home to spend a quiet New Year's Eve counting down and toasting with some Sprite Zero. My plan all along was to propose right after the ball dropped, after telling her that I could only think of one better way to "ring" in 2009. The only couple of hitches were that it was a chore keeping her awake for midnight because she was so tired, and then when I was going under her couch to retrieve the ring, I had slid the box too deep underneath while hiding it, so it took literally a minute for me to dig it out, and I almost knocked over her lamp in doing so. "What in the world are you doing?" she muttered at one point. But I finally got it, she cooed and said "Awww," and I dropped to one knee and said, "I've said this before and I meant it--every day without you is a day lost, and I don't want to lose any more days. Will you marry me?" She immediately said yes.

GrizzBabe Just Got Engaged!

Hot damn!!!