As I've mentioned before, I've had some pretty specific ideas about what my future husband's role should be in our finances. I envisioned marrying someone more capable and financially prudent than I am, someone who is sort of a visionary and has the ability to see what our financial future can be and has the discipline and know-how to get us there.
Now I'm realizing that that ideal is totally inconsistent with my reality. The Boyfriend wants a prosperous financial future for us as well but, to be honest, he has a little difficulty finding the forest when all he can see is trees. He discourages easily and is a glass half-empty kind of guy. That's not a knock on The Boyfriend so much as it is a recognition of the truth.
I recently asked The Boyfriend to come up with a budget for us as a couple. He saw no value in the exercise because, he said, he makes so little money that there's not much to budget. Regardless of how passionately I tried to explain it to him, he was unable to grasp that the financial picture of us as a couple will be very different than the one he sees now. His mindset was so focused on the circumstances of today that he had a hard time stepping back and getting a glimpse of our tomorrow.
Part of our struggle with finances stems from my own unmet expectations. I resented being the one to ask The Boyfriend to do a budget when my ideal dictated that he would take the initiative. I even accused him of not caring about money matters as much as I did.
I finally realized it's unfair to project these unrealistic expectations on The Boyfriend. It's wrong of me to ask The Boyfriend to be a visionary and a planner when those aren't his strong suits. So I am tossing my expectations out the window. I'm trying to come to grips with the idea that I may have to take a more proactive role in our finances. I may have to be the one to initiate the discussion on financial goals and then be the one to analyze our bills and come up with a plan of action to achieve those goals.
I wouldn't be the first woman to become actively involved with the finances in a relationship. There are many married women who hold the purse strings because they are better at it. I don't think I'm better at managing money than The Boyfriend (Have you seen my checkbook?). But I do suspect that I may be better suited, at least at this particular point in our relationship, for doing certain things -- like planning and budgeting. Or maybe The Boyfriend should be the one to manage the finances and I should be the one to encourage him in the areas he needs it most. Either way, our relationship will be better served if I stopped chasing after fairy tales and started dealing head-on with my reality.
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10 comments:
I was the best at making a Budget, but she was the best at actually following it.
I remember the day I bought a new boat motor. That wasn't in th budget.
And I really remember the day i bought the Fish-Finder....that was not only not in the budget, it wasn't even in tyhe account!4 Checks bounced besides the one for the Fish-Finder.
she was pissed!
Don't let him out of your sight grizzbabe!
And don't forget to have fun that first year! its just money!
its a tricky thing, this money issue.
for me, i like living within a budget, but i also like to play.
and when i ever unite my life with a man, id like the option of having our own accounts so as to be able to retain the freedom of spending on what we each want (like bulletholes up there).
I "control" all of our finances - have been for 15 years.
Carl has no idea how much money we have... and I have the debit card. If he had it we would be in the shit house on a weekly basis.
Better he asks if we can spend the money than to let him run amok.
****Sigh****
Hey Grizz, I'm back online, different blog though. I live with Colorado now, since august and we are about to have to move since our lease is up. The budget thing is hard, especially at my age, but we manage, my mom did this and I plan on continuing, we each have our own bank accounts, but we are completely open about what is in them and we have a joint savings account that we both regularly put money into, it has worked nicely for 6 months, hopefully it will stay that way :)
It is good that you realize it before hand. Just make it clear to him that you are the banker and he is the customer. You control it all and decide how it will be spent. If he agrees to that, then you have no problem - financially wise.
Water Baby's mom is a Pro at this....
Good luck, Grizzbabe!
I think you achieved a massive victory already in realizing the difference between fantasy and reality. And hey, who's to say he can't still develop into the financial guy you've always wanted? But you're so right--being pissed at his inabilities is no way for you to get him to change or get you to be happy with him as your husband. Accepting him as he is always seems to be the best way to be happy. Hell of a lot less stressful too.
And if the finances keep going belly-up? Then that will be a better teacher to your husband that changes need to be made, and you guys can learn together how to make those changes work.
The best thing I think is that you guys are of the age where life is practical--not a soap opera. All the flitting around the youngins' do, and all that drama they bring--you guys are past that. At least, you seem to be. So rock on, Grizzbabe! You have a good 40 years ahead of you. Might as well spend them happy. :-))
You are a wise woman to come to this realization. Before marriage even!
Since comments don't seem to be enabled on the post about your being published, I wanted to congratulate you here! It's a wonderful feeling, Grizzbabe!
May your creative juices continue to overflow! Petra :))
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