I think I'm gonna hurl.

For dinner today, I had a cheeseburger from McDonald's, a small order of fires, and a small strawberry shake. This little gastronomic splurge would not have been so bad if not for the mammoth amount of food I inhaled earlier in the day.

For starters, this morning I had tuna salad and cheesecake for breakfast. Yes, I said cheesecake. And tuna salad. Oh, and my tuna salad was eaten with a side order of cheddar cheese flavored Toasted Ritz Chips. I don't normally eat fish for breakfast, but I was trying to stay on top of my leftovers. And the cheesecake. . .well, if you've started off a meal by eating strange food items you might as well end it with something equally as strange.

For lunch, I ventured over to Moe's Southwest Grill and ordered the Billy Barou (whoever the hell he is) nachos to go. After eating every single nacho chip that came in my container, (and when there were no more nachos to be had, licking my fingers,) I drove to the local convenience store and purchased a small bag of plain M&Ms. I was gonna get the king size bag, but I didn't have enough money in my change purse to cover the exorbitant convenience store prices and the sales tax. So I settled on a size that normal people would eat instead of a size more suited for animals that moo, saving myself half the calories. (Of course that calorie savings lost its meaning when I scarfed down the cheeseburger, fries and shake for dinner, but that's beside the point.)

Now, I feel like I'm about to throw up. Adding to my discomfort is my strained relationship with dairy products. Milkshakes and I, in particular, have never gotten along too well. Oh, I love them well enough, but they have never been all that enamored with me. Consequently, in addition to feeling nauseous, I also have air coming out of both ends of my body.

I don't know why I torture myself like this. I am normally a big eater (with the curves to prove it,) but I try to keep days like today to a minimum. Every so often I'll go through a phase where I'm eating anything that's not nailed down, but that usually only happens around my period. Seeing as how I am nearly two weeks away from starting my period, I can't blame it on PMS. Or can I? Maybe there exists a yet to be medically discovered syndrome called pre-PMS, a condition that might be aptly described as "the heavy eating that comes before the heavy eating."

Things I Learned on my Summer Vacation

• As a woman, I have no idea what it means to pack light. I only took one suitcase for my week long trip to see The Boyfriend, but it was so jammed packed that I damn near dislocated my shoulder trying to lift that thing into the trunk of my car. I'd say that next time I won't pack so much shit, but we all know I'd be lying.
• Renting a car is like being a kid in a candy store. Only better. When did renting cars at airport rental facilities get to be so fun? Used to be, when you made your rental car reservation, you were stuck with whatever car the company decided to give you. Now, they tell you to go out on the lot and pick whatever car you want in your rental category (compact, mid-size, luxury etc.) The keys are already in the vehicle and the doors are unlocked. I thought I had died and gone to rental car Heaven!
• Chicagoans are the most discourteous drivers I have ever encountered. There must be a law in Illinois that says "If a driver in another lane turns on her blinker, indicating an intent to go from one lane to another, then you must speed up so that she is unable to get over in a timely manner. If she flips you off, ignore her."
• The Boyfriend's sleeping habits are worse than originally thought. Not only does The Boyfriend steal sheets and hog more than his share of the bed, but he even rolls over on me as if I am a very lumpy extension of the mattress. If this keeps up, we'll be sleeping in separate beds a la Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.
• Beware of what you eat. Who knew that a dinner consisting of an Italian beef sandwich, onion rings and a strawberry shake could cause you to fart uncontrollably while you sleep?
• Be what your loved ones need you to be when they need you to be it. On my last day in Chicago, I got a call call from my good friend and former roommate, Julie. Julie's mom was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and has been given 6 months to live. Mama Lucy, as I affectionately call her, has been ready to "go home and be with the Lord" for years now, but her daughter is entertaining no such prospect. At least not yet. Since the doctor's have given her no hope, the only thing Julie has to hold on to is her belief that God is capable of restoring her mother's health. Julie called me, because she needed a "woman of faith" (I refrained from looking over my shoulder as she said those words) to stand with her and to pray for her mother's healing. So right there on the phone, I prayed for my friend. I asked God to bless her and her family with His peace and comfort, and I prayed for her mom's complete healing. And I will continue to pray that for as long as necessary, being that woman of faith (however ill-fitting the title may be) until Julie needs me to be something else.

Off to the Windy City!

See ya' in about a week!!!

High Maintenance

The Boyfriend surprised me one night when he said I was high maintenance. Well, he didn't so much as declare I was high maintenance as he failed to disagree when I joked that I was such a handful he didn't have time for other women. Because I've always thought of myself as pretty easy to please, I was taken aback when he responded with a "Yeah, that's true." Like any high maintenance woman worth her salt, I pressed The Boyfriend for more information. He explained that, while I don't demand attention, I have my ways of letting him know when I'm feeling neglected. A certain voice inflection here, a passing comment there, and I'm getting the message across that Mama's not happy.

I am aware of this little personality quirk of mine, and I must say this is not something I do on purpose to manipulate The Boyfriend into doing my bidding; but rather, I am merely expressing my feelings at the time, reacting in the moment. For instance, if The Boyfriend has to end a phone conversation early because he's tired or has to study, then there might be a slight disappointed tone in my voice, because. . .well. . .I'm disappointed, and I've never been adept at hiding my emotions. I realize this may cause The Boyfriend to feel guilty about taking time away from us, and it may put an extra burden on him to try and please me, but that is not my intention at all.

So should I try to do a better job of hiding my feelings in order to limit the amount of pressure The Boyfriend feels? Maybe. I can see how being a big girl and sucking it up can benefit the relationship by helping The Boyfriend to not feel any worse than he already does when he has to cancel or cut short a phone date, especially in situations that are beyond his control, like when work or school obligations arise. At the same time, I don't want to continually stuff my feelings inside. That can't be healthy either. Can it?

How I got Porno Guy fired. Sorta.

I give myself too much credit, or too much blame, depending on your perspective. Porno Guy would have gotten fired eventually for failure to produce enough editorial content to justify his salary, but I certainly didn't help matters.

I made the mistake of mentioning Porno Guy's workplace viewing habits to my co-worker, L., who, in between fits of laughter, forced me to retell the story to another co-worker, Martha. Martha wasn't the least bit surprised. As it turns out, Porno Guy's reputation as a dirty old man preceded his tenure at our office. Martha's family employed Porno Guy years ago, and, according to her, it was not unusual for him to ask female office workers to sit on his knee. And , surprisingly, they would oblige, sometimes two at a time. I guess Porno Guy had a little game back in the day.

A few weeks later, my boss, Joanne, mentioned to L. that she was looking to build a case against Porno Guy so that she could take the information to The Big Kahuna and hopefully get approval to fire him. L. suggested that she call me.

I told Joanne everything. She asked if my name could be used when relaying this information to The Big Kahuna, and I said yes.

The Big Kahuna's response to hearing that one of his employees had been watching porno on company time was to send The Controller to our office after Porno Guy had left for the day to take a look at his computer history.

Never send a girl to do a woman's job.

After The Controller opened the browser on Porno Guy's computer, she clicked on the down arrow in the address bar at the top of the screen. There was nothing there. The Controller assumed that Porno Guy cleaned out his history at the end of the day, but Joanne wasn't so sure, so, the next day, she asked me to take a look to see what I could find.

When Porno Guy left for lunch, L. and I went into his office and shut the door. I sat down at his computer, opened his browser and clicked on the Privacy tab under Internet Options. There I found Porno Guy's history going back several days. We clicked on a few items but were only able to find innocuous, and quite frankly boring, websites -- Internet scrabble, news related YouTube videos, email. L. and I were very disappointed. We were hoping to find something that would have justified our Nancy Drew antics, but we came away empty-handed.

A few days later, Porno Guy was laid off due to a slow economy, or so he was told. Technically, I guess I really didn't get him fired, but even if I had, I wouldn't have felt the least bit guilty about it. Porno Guy's fate rested in his own hands. Had he done what Joanne asked him to do when she asked him to do it, he would still have a job. Instead, he chose to do his own thing, and that was what ultimately led to his dismissal.

And what about the not-exactly-incriminating computer history, you ask? I know what I heard. When Porno Guy and I shared an office, I am certain that illicit videos were being watched in my presence. It remains to be seen whether he was watching them via the Internet or a personal DVD, but I have no doubt in my mind that he was watching them. Over and over and over. . .

I'm baaack.

That may or may not be a good thing. I'll let you decide.

I am feeling much better these days. Thanks for asking. I went to my gynecologist a couple weeks ago and complained that I thought the new birth control pills she has me on were keeping me awake at night. Of course, like all doctors do when I come in with my own diagnoses, she poo-pooed me, but not before suggesting that I start taking the pills in the morning instead of at night. I don't know if it's because I switched my pill-taking time or if it's because I started working out or both, but I have been sleeping better as of late. Let's hope it continues.

I haven't been blogging much because I've been struggling to find balance in my life. Since multiple jobs take up the majority of my time, I often ignore certain areas of my life, like cooking healthy meals, working out, doing laundry and other household chores. I have been trying to find ways to fit all those things into my daily routine, but it hasn't been easy. And I'm afraid blogging has become an unexpected victim of sorts. I plan to go back to the drawing board and try to come up with a schedule that includes blogging and other writing activities. Of course, that means something else will take a hit, but it's all about balance, right?

Yesterday, I was trying to exercise my new-found balance by cooking myself a healthy meal of baked chicken breast, potatoes, and broccoli. I wanted to make sure that I didn't dry out the chicken breast in the oven so I pulled out my handy-dandy probe thermometer that let's me know when meat has reached a certain temperature. I inserted the probe into the chicken breast, connected the probe to the display and tried to set the temperature at which the device would alarm. Regardless of how many times I pressed the button, the display remained blank. I assumed the battery was dead and went searching frantically to find some other device from which to steal triple-A batteries. Remotes, cameras, alarm clocks. I have a gazillion electronic devices in my house and ALL of them take AA batteries. I was beginning to think I was shit out of luck until I eyed my vibrator laying on the floor. I picked up my little pleasure machine, twisted off the top and prayed (although I don't know what god would have honored such a request) that it used triple-A batteries. I pumped my fists with glee when I discovered two AAA batteries lodged in the shaft. I took one out, ran to the kitchen, and placed it in my thermometer. When I reinserted the probe into the display device, it lit up like a Christmas tree. I breathed a sigh of relief. Dinner was saved.

Don't laugh! Desperate times call for desperate measures. But I must remember though, the next time I run errands, to stock up on AAA batteries. For multiple reasons.

Sleepless in the South

I've been having trouble sleeping for some time now. I don't seem to have any problems falling asleep. Staying asleep, however, is a different story. On a normal night, I'll go to bed around midnight and wake up four hours later. Sometimes, after an hour or so, I can go back to sleep but those instances are rare.

Needless to say, I am in a continual state of tiredness. I work 60 hours a week, then I come home to engage in normal domestic activities - cooking, doing laundry, washing dishes. I talk to The Boyfriend several nights a week. Sometimes I entertain the idea of making a blog post, but to be honest, there's only such much energy 4 hours of sleep will provide.

My stamina was decreased even more when I developed a sinus infection a few weeks ago. Last Friday, I finally broke down and went to the doctor. After looking at my unusually high white blood cell count, he gave me a shot and a prescription for antibiotics.

I said all of that to say, forgive me if I don't have the necessary brain power and energy to post more frequently. Rest assured, I am still reading and occasionally commenting on your blogs. But anything that requires a great deal of thinking, I am putting on the back burner for awhile.

Not that you guys don't write thought-provoking posts, but you know what I mean.