Nagging

The Fiance and I were talking about finances when I asked him to call the company that handles his debt management plan to see if he could work out a deal where his repayment agreement would not be declared in default if he were to move to my home state after our impending nuptials sans job. It was probably the third request I'd made in as many weeks and The Fiance expressed some resistance before grudgingly agreeing to make the call.

"You know," I said, "if we were married and living together, I would just go ahead and call myself because I know dealing with finances is not your favorite thing to do. But I can't do this for you. You're going to have to make the call on your own."

"Okay! I said I'd call!" The Fiance said in a tone that implied I was nagging him.

We were both irritated at this point so we abruptly ended our phone conversation and I went to bed.

I found the whole exchange disturbing. I laid in bed for a good half-hour staring at the ceiling and imagining myself spending the next 25 years having to constantly prod The Fiance to get him to do things that are higher on my priority list than his. The prospect didn't sit well with me. After all, I want to be a wife, not a mother.

Those disturbing feelings stayed with me until morning and once I got to work, I searched Google for articles on how NOT to become a nagging wife. I didn't find any articles that fit the bill, but I did come across one that really seemed to resonate with me and that was enough.

In How I Became a "Nag", Pamela Kruger talks about how her marriage used to be egalitarian in nature with both parties sharing household responsibilities without much discussion on the matter. If something needed to be done around the house, then one of them did it. End of story.

Once they had children, things started to change. The number of things that now needed to be done increased dramatically.

Kruger writes:

Winging it was no longer an option. One person had to do the mental work of running the household, and since I was working from home, that fell to me. Without debate or even discussion, I became the memory bank for our family, the person in charge of details, big and small.

I'd notice when the car needed an oil change, the dishwasher had to be emptied, the kids needed school supplies, new clothes, hair cuts, or doctors' appointments, the piano teacher had to be paid, birthday gifts had to be bought...and the mind-numbing list goes on and on. As my husband's work became more demanding, he seemed to notice less and less, and I became become more frustrated and resentful. If I complained and pestered him enough, he'd finally get around to doing some of these things, but often I'd just do the chores myself. At least that's how it has seemed to me.

Because I'm the planner and organizer in The Fiance and I's relationship, I can totally see me falling into this trap -- nag, nag, and nag some more, then do it myself. Wash, rinse, repeat.

And this nagging game we play, it seems to have very gender specific roles. More often than not, women are the naggers and men are the naggees. When Kruger poled her friends, they had this to say on why women tend to be nags:

Men drive them to it. "Men don't know how to multitask. They forget everything unless they're reminded," said one friend. "Men want to turn us into these mommies who take care of everything, people we desperately don't want to be," said another.

Her sister also made a valid point:

My sister objects to the word "nag," saying it's an unfair term invented by men to turn the blame on us. "We're called ‘nags' when we ask a man to do something, and he doesn't do it (either because he doesn't feel like it at that moment or he doesn't think it's important). So we're put in the position of having to ask again and again. By calling us nags, it relieves them of the responsibility of doing something they don't want to do. It makes us the bad guy!"

But what is it about the male-female relationship dynamic that causes this nagging scenario to play out over and over again? In the article, the author, quoting Georgetown linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, offers a theory:

"That women have been labeled "nags" may result from the interplay of men's and women's styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do.....a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it."

I suspect that this is at least partly true. But it may not tell the whole story. A women's studies professor friend of the Kruger's offers another opinion:

. . . [the professor] thinks nagging may be prevalent these days not because of gender but because of our demanding, overscheduled lives. "We're stressed out and don't have enough time, and so one person becomes the organizer," she says. "And the other person may simply not care as much about those details, so that's when the nagging happens." Also, she says because there isn't the clear division of labor between couples anymore, that may lead to resentment too, as one person is saddled with more domestic responsibilities.

I have a feeling that the person who is going to end up saddled with more domestic responsibilities is me and I find that bothersome. Not because I'm not well-suited or capable of handling the household, but because doing so somehow, in my mind, equates to me being the mom. And the woman who was essentially raised without a father bristles at the idea of being the one who takes care of everything, because she desires desperately for someone to take care of her. Kruger hits the nail on the head when she writes:

Still, I keep thinking of what my friend said about husbands wanting us to be mothers, and I realize that it may also be true that I am trying to make my husband my father - someone who will take care of me, so I don't have to worry.

Though it helps to have a better understanding of why women and men behave in their relationships the way that they do, I still have no answers on how to stop the vicious nagging cycle. But for now, I'm okay with just the deeper understanding. Hopefully, in time, The Fiance and I will find a better method of resolving these issues.

On Confidence In The Bedroom

We were trying to decide on a sexy bet for our annual March Madness challenge when the conversation transitioned into our sexual likes and dislikes. The Fiance revealed that he likes a confident woman in the bedroom, someone who knows what she wants sexually and is not afraid to go after it, someone who is self-assured enough to take the initiative.

Honey, you're a lot of things," he added, "but I don't think anyone can say that you're confident in the bedroom."

Though it stung to hear him say it, I silently agreed with The Fiance. As I've documented on my blog,I've always battled with feeling good about myself so it would stand to reason that those confidence struggles would find their way into my sex life as well. So though I wanted to take issue with The Fiance's conclusion, I didn't put up much of a fight. Deep down, that part of me that relentlessly says that I'm not good enough, caused me to grudgingly agree with The Fiance's assessment.

Until, that is, I remembered that the last 3 times The Fiance and I have been intimate it was because I took the initiative.

The oldest incident was in December. I don't remember the exact details of how we ended up getting busy but I distinctly remember saying to myself "Okay, now it's his turn to initiate," only he didn't and I left Chicago with us both not feeling as satisfied as we could have been.

The middle incident happened at my place and was a surprise for both of us. As I've mentioned before, I no longer live alone, which makes it virtually impossible to get freaky without either the roommate or the cats knowing what's going on, so while The Fiance was in the shower, I made the decision to pounce on him as soon as he stepped out. I figured a few doors between us and the rest of the household would afford us a little more privacy.

The most recent incident was on the last morning of the same visit by The Fiance. My alarm had just gone off and we were laying in bed waiting for the grogginess to lift. In another surprise move, I reached for the "Emotion Lotion" on my nightstand and gave The Fiance an "old fashioned" for the road.

I think the evidence shows that I am clearly a woman who is not afraid to take the initiative. I may not be the most confident woman on the planet but I am not so racked with insecurity that I don't know how to go after what I want in the bedroom.

I think the problem between The Fiance and I may be an issue of style, culture or both.

When my beloved thinks of confidence in the bedroom, I think he thinks of someone like Samantha from Sex and the City. In reality, I'm more of a student of the Southern Belle School of Initiative where we're taught to be forward but to do it in a way that makes the other person think it was their idea. Both approaches, in my opinion, come from a place of confidence.

So, in conclusion – I am woman; hear me roar, dammit. Just because I'm more inclined to gently lead a man into the bedroom than to throw him on the ground and rip his clothes off doesn't necessarily make me less self-assured. It just makes me different.

Bankruptcy: The Gateway to Happiness

Guess what?

After years of juggling bills and robbing Peter to pay Paul, I'm finally breaking down and filing for bankruptcy, chapter 7.

Wanna know what else?

I couldn't be happier.

For a long time now, my expenses have outweighed my income and the big elephant taking up most of the room on the expense side of the scales is my credit card payments.

I called my credit card company this week to try and negotiate a lower interest rate in hopes of reducing my monthly payments. Despite having an impeccable payment history with this company for 23 years and paying them over 3 times my credit card limit in actual dollars, they said no and recommended I call a credit counseling agency. I was directed to the National Foundation of Credit Counseling website, where I found a credit counseling agency in my area. I filled out an application and made an appointment for this past Friday.

On Wednesday, at the urging of my roommate, I met with a bankruptcy attorney. I was sold on a lot of things during that meeting. I was sold on the fact that my budget was woefully inadequate and failed to take into consideration my most basic needs. I was also sold on the idea of paying cash for cars and using the money I would have paid in interest and putting it in an IRA. What I wasn't quite sold on was the attorney's belief that I'm a perfect candidate for Chapter 7. I mean, I wanted to believe him, but I worried that he was telling me to do what would be easiest and most profitable for him.

I had even less faith in the ability of the credit counselor to give me impartial advice. Credit counselors are in business to make money and the way they make money is by charging a fee each month you make a payment in one of their debt management plans. So it would be in their best interests to see to it that you enroll in their debt management plan regardless of whether you can afford it or not. At least that was my impression when I made my appointment with the credit counseling agency.

When I walked into the credit counselor's office, I tried to make sure my cynicism didn't show too much in my facial expressions. I listened intently as he explained how their program works. I tried not to roll my eyes when he showed me what my monthly payment would be, which was not all that different from what I was currently paying. He acknowledged this and said, "For this reason, I recommend you for a 'Fresh Start'".

At this point, I'm thinking, What the hell is this "Fresh Start" program he's talking about? I don't remember reading about that on the website.

After spending several minutes preaching to me about the wonders of a "Fresh Start", the counselor wrapped up his sermon with this tidbit of information: "And by 'Fresh Start', I mean Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Have you ever thought about filing for Chapter 7?"

I could have kissed him, planting wet, sloppy smooches all over his face. Why? Because he made the decision-making process SO much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to have to wade through a bunch of b.s. from all parties (the bankruptcy attorney and the credit counselor) to try to determine the best course of action but wading was unnecessary. Everybody was in agreement that I have fucked up my finances so royally that bankruptcy is now the most prudent option for me. I found that strangely comforting.

I have been receiving some minor pushback for my decision though. There's still a stigma associated with bankruptcy that some people find hard to shake. For instance, The Fiance announced that filing bankruptcy was fine for me but he was going to "take responsibility" for his mistakes and stick with his debt management plan. As if paying 3 times what you owe amounts to not taking responsibility.

In spite of negative perceptions, I'm keeping my head held high. Don't get me wrong. I know that bankruptcy is a serious issue with serious consequences to your credit rating. But after weighing the cons of a trashed credit score against the pros of increased peace of mind and happiness, I've decided bankruptcy is still the way to go.