Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.
And that's not the worst of it.
Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.
Do I have some sort of death wish or something?
They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.
What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.
A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.
Stay tuned. . .
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Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.
One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.
I needed to get that off my chest too.
6 comments:
I don't understand the binge eating or drinking when under stress. At times like that my stomach would not hold food or booze. So I can't advise you. As for boyfriend, there is some merit to just being there without talking. But some gentle probing questions and plenty of sex will help him emotionally. So I hear. I never get either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCoFb-SYY9A&feature=channel
To add a little "empirical" science, I read a study that showed that rabbits who were stroked while eating had lower cholesterol levels. Those given stress, had higher ones.
I also believe there is a good reason we pray over food - the blessing reminds us to love the food, the eating, our bodies, ourselves.
Thanks, kissyface! That was a good video. I needed to hear that.
I must add that today is the first day in about a week and a half that I haven't binged (so far). Although I did make homemade deep-dish brownies with real sugar but whole wheat flour. I had a brownie with a scoop of sugar-free ice cream and enjoyed every minute of it. I checked my blood sugar and it was within acceptable levels.
lso believe there is a good reason we pray over food - the blessing reminds us to love the food, the eating, our bodies, Work From Home
I don't think there is anything sick or warped about overdoing it when you feel deprived. The urge to eat is a very, very strong human instinct and when put under the kind of deprivation you've been under (i.e. going from eating whatever and whenever you want to a pretty severely restricted diet) it does not surprise me one bit that you'd want to devour half a box of Twinkies in a sitting. Hell, I have those kinds of episodes without even having diabetes - I just have an insatiable sweet tooth.
So, I'm not sure it's especially helpful to label yourself as someone having a "problem" - your only "problem," as far as I'm concerned, is that you are human.
What I would hope is that there are techniques out there to help you deal with these overpowering urges when they come on. There have to be a lot of different options on there on things you can do to get yourself through it. The trick will be to try them and keep trying different ones until you find some that are effective. That, and not being mean to yourself about slipping up when you do.
I was getting acupuncture once and the practitioner was questioning me about my diet. I explained that I had a horrible sweet tooth that would attack with a vengeance late at night, and that I would be happier if I could find a way to quell that. She suggested that when I had the urge, to take just a little bit of whatever I was craving (e.g. a piece of candy) and to let it sit in my mouth and just feel it for a while.
I never did try this, but my point is there are all sorts of things out there - and one day you may come across something that works. (If you do, let me know! ;)
Good luck with this!
cp
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