I'm still around.

I haven't become a hermit nor have I been kidnapped by terrorists . I've just been busy. Doing. . .you know, stuff. The same stupid stuff I always do, except I haven't felt the need to write about it. But today is different. I feel like emoting. So here goes. A brief recap of my life the past 3 1/2 months:

Work: I'm still working for the non-profit organization I told you about back in September. I still enjoy my job and the people I work with. No change there. I was recently given a big responsibility that I was feeling excited and scared about all at the same time. Because I did such a kick ass job of obtaining silent auction items for a couple of fundraisers this past Summer, I was put in charge of the silent auction for our biggest fundraiser in June. That means securing 100-150 items for auction (expensive items as well as affordable ones), coordinating volunteers and ensuring that the actual auction itself goes off without a hitch. This would have been (notice the verb tense here) the first time for me to be in charge of anything significant. A scary situation, but I was looking forward to the challenge. Today, when I found out that our agency had hired a part-time development coordinator, I knew that my new found responsibility would be short-lived. Even though it hasn't been mentioned to me yet, there's no doubt in my mind that this new coordinator will eventually take over the silent auction responsibilities. I'm a bit disappointed that I won't get a chance to prove myself or to grow in a way that I haven't experienced before, but ultimately I think everything happens for a reason.

And speaking of work, remember how I used to write about all the scandalous things that happened at my old job? That was fun times, wasn't it? Well, I won't be doing that with this job. Not because there aren't mildly scandalous things to write about on this job. There are, (In the past 3 months, we've fired two people, one person resigned via text message and I'm just waiting for another to be let go. And that doesn't include the dirt on former employees I've discovered by snooping around on my computer.), but I'd like to keep this job, thankyouverymuch. So, no work blogging. Oh, quit your booing, and suck it up like a man.

Overeater's Anonymous. So I broke down and started attending Overeater's Anonymous meetings. Only I haven't gone in the past two weeks because I've been binge eating. For two weeks. As you can see, those OA meetings are really helping. This most recent binge episode started after a period of eating healthy and exercising my ass off. Eventually, I started to feel deprived again. I ate a cookie and the next thing I know I had lost my damn mind. I know deprivation is a trigger for me, but I don't know how to change the thought processes in my mind so that I stop inhaling everything around me.

****** TMI ALERT!!! TMI ALERT!!! ******
****** SOUND THE ALARM!!!******

It kind of reminds me of my fundamentalist Christian days when I thought masturbation was a sin that I needed to abstain from if I was ever going to get into heaven. I would try to be a good little Christian girl, thinking only of puppy dogs and flowers, but eventually I would succumb to the "lusts of the flesh" and go on a "she-bop" bender, jacking off at every opportunity because I knew Sunday was coming and I would have to go back to pretending to be a nun.

My struggle with food feels EXACTLY like that. I stuff my face with food for as long as my conscious will allow because I know, at some point, I'm going to have to get back on the program because my life literally depends on it.

I don't know how to fix that. Sigh. But I'm working on it. Hopefully, I'll get it figured out before I gain back every single ounce I've lost.

To be continued. . .