The mystery trigger revealed itself to me early this morning while I was lying in bed contemplating going to church, a place I haven't visited in about two months. I was feeling apprehensive about gracing the halls of what used to be a sanctuary for me because everyone would then see how fat I've become. During this latest bout of depression, I had put on the pounds pretty quickly and I was ashamed of the way I looked.
I also realized that these deep feelings of shame and inadequacy are not something that have just materialized as a result of my most recent struggles. Those feelings have always been there. They are the foundation upon which all of my neuroses have been built and they've become such a part of the structure that is my life that I often forget they are there.
No wonder I eat uncontrollably. It's the only way I know how to deal with my low self-esteem.
During my next counseling session, a month from now, I'll be asking my therapist about ways to change the way I view myself as well as some new coping mechanisms. It's the least I can do for myself.
5 comments:
I think you need to see your counselor soon than a month.
I agree, but I can't afford to go anymore frequently as I'm paying for this out of pocket. Can't really afford to go once a month but I was in desperate need of some help.
Call your church and ask if they have Stephen Ministry or a place they can refer you to that uses a sliding scale. Or better yet, an on-staff counselor.
Thanks for stopping by Iklinela!
I am actually going to a counseling center that rents out space in my church. And if I didn't feel as if I had already found a therapist that was a good fit for me, I would switch to someone who used a sliding scale. For now, I'll see where this takes me.
Have you ever heard that behavior framed as "stuffing"? That you might be trying to pack down the feelings, which are often anger? If it doesn't resonate, discard it, but sometimes these terms, insomuch as they re-describe things, give us insight to the deeper motivation. And you know, the awareness itself can help us let go.
I can't remember if I shared with you my own old addicted form of compulsivity, which was that for years I was a face-picker. Literally locked in the mirror tearing at myself for an hour. It was anger turned against myself, for certain, and a manifestation of the abuse I learned from my mother. Even after she stopped hurting me physically (at 14), I carried out the ritual in her honor for almost fifteen years after. You sort of get in this altered state, and you kind of don't feel things so much, which is also partly why it's hard to stop it. And I think it's also like the experience people have when they cut themselves, they really do feel better afterwards, at least for the short term. But of course, the shame over being unable to control oneself and also the way you look afterwards are quite pronounced.
I think I was, quite literally, trying to efface myself.
You are so lovely GB. Your honesty and circumspect self-awareness are amazing qualities. You're getting there, just be easy with yourself.
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