"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."– famed psychologist, Carl Rogers
I laid there on the bed, stomach uncomfortably pressed into the mattress, trying to take stock of my emotions in hopes of discovering why I had chosen to sooth myself with food once again. After a few moments of looking inward, I found a general feeling of uneasiness but nothing on which I could put a label. Sometimes, my emotions are too much of a tangled mess to recognize and name with any degree of accuracy. What I did find was a moment (albeit fleeting) of clarity. Though I lacked the self-awareness to determine why I felt the urge to eat, I was aware enough to realize that eating wasn’t helping matters, wasn’t making the uneasy feelings seem easier. So I stopped. For the time being.
I’ve been reading Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. I’m convinced that the road to a better relationship with food is paved with self-acceptance. Even my dreams tell me as much. But the more I read and the more I listen to Tara’s podcasts, the more I realize what a painstakingly slow journey this is going to be. I’d be okay with the snail’s pace if I didn’t have an overwhelming sense of urgency created by the fact that I’m a diabetic whose life depends on me getting my shit together quickly and intensified by my inability to do so. But even that situation, according to what I’ve been reading, demands my acceptance.
This acceptance thing is a lot harder than it sounds, which explains why it’s taking so damn long. My fear is that I’ll learn to accept myself and my life as it is just in time to die a horrible death brought on by years of abusing my body with food, a scenario which seems very unacceptable to me.
That last sentence really sums up where I am on this journey to healing. In my head, I understand self-acceptance and its importance to my recovery, but it’s been difficult to get my psyche to fully embrace itself and it may be difficult for some time to come. I suppose I should accept that too.
3 comments:
Good luck in your journey. I hope you reach the point you need soon enough to enjoy life as you wish, instead of fearing what might be.
Visiting from RDC
That's a pretty cool-ass community over there! And I love the phrase "Red Writing Hood."
I wish you godspeed and success in the work you're doing too. Hopefully the added support of The Boyf will help with that acceptance thing. Maybe him being around more will help you see what he sees (what we all see) through his eyes.
This post is so heartfelt and transparent. Thank you for sharing so very much of yourself here.
I can relate (a lot) to the search for a positive relationship with food.
So important, so hard to attain.
I appreciate the quotes that you used and the writing that you referenced. Thank you!
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