Until now, I have avoided writing about deeply personal issues on this blog in an effort to not bleed all over cyberspace. But when I think about some of the blogs I enjoy reading, all of them possess an intimate quality that I admire. Add to that the fact that this week has been such an emotional one that any motivation for writing anything frivolous or impersonal has been sucked out of me and my only other option is to place myself in the uncomfortable position of bearing my soul. Here is my attempt at being open and vulnerable.
Recently, I met a great guy through the internet. He seems to possess the rare ability to "get me" (It is so important to be gotten, isn't it?) and over the past couple of months, we have managed to build one of the most open and honest relationships I have ever experienced. In addition, he is kind, supportive and attentive. In short, he would be my Mr. Right if not for one thing: I am devout in my religious beliefs; he is not.
For some people, this is not that big of a deal. For me, it is my one non-negotiable. This man is very open to the things of God but he is not ready to take the next step. I have no doubt that he will eventually get there but am I the woman destined to be there when it happens? I don't know, hence the source of my struggles this week.
A friend asked me yesterday if I could live without this man even if I knew this would not be the last person I would have the opportunity to love. That's a deep question. What I know is whenever I even slightly entertain the idea of losing this man's friendship, it feels like, to quote author, Annie Proulx, my intestines are being pulled out "hand over hand a yard at a time." Does that count?
My friend also suggested that I pray to find out if this guy is my Isaac or my Ishmael. Isaac and Ishmael were both sons of Abraham. God promised Abraham and his wife, Sarah, that they would give birth to a son, despite the fact Sarah was well past childbearing years. Tired of the wait, Sarah suggested Abraham sleep with her maid, Hagar, to create an heir. The son born of that union was named Ishmael. Miraculously, the son God originally promised was born. Sarah and Abraham named him Isaac. Eventually Abraham had to reluctantly send Ishmael away because of all the drama in the household.
Is my friend my Isaac, the man God intended for me, or is he my Ishmael, the one I reluctantly turn away? That is the question of the day.
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1 comment:
it's no wonder you responded so to the quotation I posted today. What a tough question you pose. How does anyone know? Follow your heart, your instinct, your nose? I wouldn't give up on someone I thought I loved because my world view was different from theirs, but I think I understand why you feel that way. You have to honor that if it's what you believe. Maybe he'll rise to meet you.
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