Something people seem to compliment you the most on
My smile.
Which is really odd because I have a very imperfect set of teeth. In additon to inheriting my mother's gap, the top front four teeth are set at an angle and the bottom ones are all askew because I have within my mouth the world's oldest baby tooth. When it refused to fall out, the others just grew around it.
Since it can't be the pristine nature of my pearly whites that people are drawn to, it must be the spirit behind the smile that catches people's attention. And boy, does my smile capture attention. I receive compliments so often that when someone asks, "Has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful smile?" I can't even pretend like I'm modest and say "Why no, you're the first!" Instead I simply say, "Thank you very much. And yes, I get that a lot."
As insecure as I am about looks, I actually prefer to be complimented on my smile as opposed to my physical appearance, because it means I'm in possession of a warm, accepting and gentle spirit. Personally, I think it may be the greater gift.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 10 -- 30 Days of Truth
Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
I'm not trying to get out of this day's 30 Days of Truth challenge, but honestly there's no one in my life who currently fits this description. The few emotionally unhealthy people who have made it into my life have naturally drifted out of it. I'm not drawn to nor do I care to be around people who make my life miserable. Life is just too short to put up with that kind of foolishness.
We are a 1/3 of the way through this 30 Days of Truth thing. I'm enjoying it so far. How 'bout you?
I'm not trying to get out of this day's 30 Days of Truth challenge, but honestly there's no one in my life who currently fits this description. The few emotionally unhealthy people who have made it into my life have naturally drifted out of it. I'm not drawn to nor do I care to be around people who make my life miserable. Life is just too short to put up with that kind of foolishness.
We are a 1/3 of the way through this 30 Days of Truth thing. I'm enjoying it so far. How 'bout you?
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Day 9 -- 30 Days of Truth
Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
My college roommate. We'll call her Crystal.
Crystal had one of those dynamic personalities that people were drawn to the way flies are drawn to flypaper. She was intelligent, effervescent, spiritually wise and generally fun to be around. We were pretty close the two years we lived together but I wouldn't call us best friends. I think even then I knew better than that. Crystal was the type of person you longed to be around but she didn't necessarily long to be around you. Not that she didn't enjoy your company or value your friendship but she just wasn't needy in that way.
So I wasn't too surprised that once we graduated from college we started to drift. Oh, I tried to do my part to keep the same level of relationship that we experienced in college but those efforts were never reciprocated. Eventually I stopped trying and we drifted even further apart.
Now it's probably been at least a decade since I've spoken to her last. That's not how I wanted it but it's hard to hang on to a boat that's intent on drifting. Sure, you can grasp at the vessel and try to hang on as you wrestle it back to dry land. But after a while, you start to tire from the struggle and inevitably you let go. At that point there's nothing you can do but stand on the shore and watch the boat get smaller and smaller as it inches toward the horizon.
My college roommate. We'll call her Crystal.
Crystal had one of those dynamic personalities that people were drawn to the way flies are drawn to flypaper. She was intelligent, effervescent, spiritually wise and generally fun to be around. We were pretty close the two years we lived together but I wouldn't call us best friends. I think even then I knew better than that. Crystal was the type of person you longed to be around but she didn't necessarily long to be around you. Not that she didn't enjoy your company or value your friendship but she just wasn't needy in that way.
So I wasn't too surprised that once we graduated from college we started to drift. Oh, I tried to do my part to keep the same level of relationship that we experienced in college but those efforts were never reciprocated. Eventually I stopped trying and we drifted even further apart.
Now it's probably been at least a decade since I've spoken to her last. That's not how I wanted it but it's hard to hang on to a boat that's intent on drifting. Sure, you can grasp at the vessel and try to hang on as you wrestle it back to dry land. But after a while, you start to tire from the struggle and inevitably you let go. At that point there's nothing you can do but stand on the shore and watch the boat get smaller and smaller as it inches toward the horizon.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Day 8 -- 30 Days of Truth
Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit
You know, even though there are people in my life who are deserving of the "You made my life hell" badge -- like my tyrannical stepfather or my biological father who divorced my mom when I was a baby and went back to his home country of Jamaica never to be heard from again -- the fact remains that no one has worked harder for that honor than myself.
That's right. I'm my best friend and my own worst enemy all at once. All of the unhappiness in my life can ultimately be traced backed to me and my perceptions of or my reactions to certain realities in my life.
And no one treats me like shit better than I do. I'm extremely hard on myself, unloving even, sometimes self-loathing. I never cut myself any slack and that can make a girl very unhappy.
But the good thing is that the person who has the power to treat me worse than anyone I know also has the power to treat me the best. Slowly, very slowly, I'm learning to be kind to myself, to take it easy on the old psyche. I'm only human for goodness sakes, a human that deserves to be treated with a little more compassion.
You know, even though there are people in my life who are deserving of the "You made my life hell" badge -- like my tyrannical stepfather or my biological father who divorced my mom when I was a baby and went back to his home country of Jamaica never to be heard from again -- the fact remains that no one has worked harder for that honor than myself.
That's right. I'm my best friend and my own worst enemy all at once. All of the unhappiness in my life can ultimately be traced backed to me and my perceptions of or my reactions to certain realities in my life.
And no one treats me like shit better than I do. I'm extremely hard on myself, unloving even, sometimes self-loathing. I never cut myself any slack and that can make a girl very unhappy.
But the good thing is that the person who has the power to treat me worse than anyone I know also has the power to treat me the best. Slowly, very slowly, I'm learning to be kind to myself, to take it easy on the old psyche. I'm only human for goodness sakes, a human that deserves to be treated with a little more compassion.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Day 7 -- 30 Days of Truth
Someone who has made your life worth living
This is a hard one because I've never really needed a reason to live or at least I've never gone looking for one. But if you asked me for a list of people in my life who bring me joy I would have to start with my mom. She's a great mom, really. I couldn't ask for a better one. That's not to say she's perfect (none of us are) but she's damn close.
A very close second would be The Fiance.
I realized not too long ago that a once beloved hobby of mine, movies, now has a diminished place in my life namely because I used to use movies as a way to escape my humdrum existence. Now, because The Fiance adds such fulfillment to my life, I no longer have a desire to use movies in that way.
Finally, at the risk of sounding all bible-thumpy, I have to add God to the list of people who make life worth living. My understanding of God has changed a lot over the past few years but the meaning and purpose my faith imparts has not. I know what I'm here for -- to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God.
This is a hard one because I've never really needed a reason to live or at least I've never gone looking for one. But if you asked me for a list of people in my life who bring me joy I would have to start with my mom. She's a great mom, really. I couldn't ask for a better one. That's not to say she's perfect (none of us are) but she's damn close.
A very close second would be The Fiance.
I realized not too long ago that a once beloved hobby of mine, movies, now has a diminished place in my life namely because I used to use movies as a way to escape my humdrum existence. Now, because The Fiance adds such fulfillment to my life, I no longer have a desire to use movies in that way.
Finally, at the risk of sounding all bible-thumpy, I have to add God to the list of people who make life worth living. My understanding of God has changed a lot over the past few years but the meaning and purpose my faith imparts has not. I know what I'm here for -- to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Day 6 -- 30 Days of Truth
Something you hope you never have to do
I am so tired. Since the end of the holiday season, I feel like I've been going non-stop both at work and at home with very little meaningful downtime. But it's all stuff that needs to get done: work, grocery shopping, making healthy meals, exercising, blogging. By the end of the evening, I have very little energy for nurturing my spiritual life, one of my New Year's Resolutions.
Part of the reason I'm so tired may be the result of my thyroid. I'll find out for sure when I visit the endocrinologist next week. Apparently, there is a connection between diabetes and thyroid issues. And if it is my thyroid, hopefully I can get some resolution and start to feel some energy again. I don't want the reason I fail to reach my goals to be that I'm not physically able.
Anywho, on to today's 30 Days of Truth challenge -- something I hope to never have to do.
I think my answer would be that I hope to never have to bury a loved one. Of course, I think there isn't a chance in hell that I'll get through life never having to watch a spouse, relative or dear friend die, especially if I want to live a long life, but the idea is still very unpleasant to me.
I know that I can ultimately handle whatever life throws my way but if I had my druthers, we'd all live forever.
I am so tired. Since the end of the holiday season, I feel like I've been going non-stop both at work and at home with very little meaningful downtime. But it's all stuff that needs to get done: work, grocery shopping, making healthy meals, exercising, blogging. By the end of the evening, I have very little energy for nurturing my spiritual life, one of my New Year's Resolutions.
Part of the reason I'm so tired may be the result of my thyroid. I'll find out for sure when I visit the endocrinologist next week. Apparently, there is a connection between diabetes and thyroid issues. And if it is my thyroid, hopefully I can get some resolution and start to feel some energy again. I don't want the reason I fail to reach my goals to be that I'm not physically able.
Anywho, on to today's 30 Days of Truth challenge -- something I hope to never have to do.
I think my answer would be that I hope to never have to bury a loved one. Of course, I think there isn't a chance in hell that I'll get through life never having to watch a spouse, relative or dear friend die, especially if I want to live a long life, but the idea is still very unpleasant to me.
I know that I can ultimately handle whatever life throws my way but if I had my druthers, we'd all live forever.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Day 5 -- 30 Days of Truth
Something you hope to do in your life
The whole reason I decided to make New Year's Resolutions for 2011 after shunning them for years is because I want to experience something that I've yet to experience in my 25-year career -- professional success.
And by "professional success" I mean making $20,000-$30,000 more per year than I currently make, preferably in a managerial position but I'll go the Executive Assistant route if I have to.
Is it possible that I'm defining myself by what I do and how much money I make? Maybe. But does that prohibit me from being ambitious?
I've been at my current job for a year. The last thing I want to do is make the same mistake I did at my previous job, which was to get comfortable and stay for far longer than I should have in a job that was no longer challenging. To keep from repeating history, I'm making a vow to only stay at this job for 3-5 years (depending on the economy) before moving on to a better, higher-paying position.
But I have no plans to twiddle my thumbs for the next few years though. Instead, at the beginning of each year I will determine a specific skill that I want to improve and then spend the next 12 months doing just that.
I know that adding focus and determination to my already strong work ethic will bring me much personal satisfaction. Here's hoping it brings me financial success as well.
The whole reason I decided to make New Year's Resolutions for 2011 after shunning them for years is because I want to experience something that I've yet to experience in my 25-year career -- professional success.
And by "professional success" I mean making $20,000-$30,000 more per year than I currently make, preferably in a managerial position but I'll go the Executive Assistant route if I have to.
Is it possible that I'm defining myself by what I do and how much money I make? Maybe. But does that prohibit me from being ambitious?
I've been at my current job for a year. The last thing I want to do is make the same mistake I did at my previous job, which was to get comfortable and stay for far longer than I should have in a job that was no longer challenging. To keep from repeating history, I'm making a vow to only stay at this job for 3-5 years (depending on the economy) before moving on to a better, higher-paying position.
But I have no plans to twiddle my thumbs for the next few years though. Instead, at the beginning of each year I will determine a specific skill that I want to improve and then spend the next 12 months doing just that.
I know that adding focus and determination to my already strong work ethic will bring me much personal satisfaction. Here's hoping it brings me financial success as well.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Day 4 -- 30 Days of Truth
Something you have to forgive someone for
Okay, I gotta make this quick 'cause I got a phone date with The Fiance.
Off the top of my head, I'd say that I need to forgive my stepfather for being a bad husband and a bad dad.
Sometimes, It's easy to forget that my issues with my stepfather have not been resolved because I haven't seen him since I was about 20 amd I haven't talked to him since I was about 25. And honestly, I'm really happy about that. I think that's clue #1 that I need to forgive.
Okay, I gotta make this quick 'cause I got a phone date with The Fiance.
Off the top of my head, I'd say that I need to forgive my stepfather for being a bad husband and a bad dad.
Sometimes, It's easy to forget that my issues with my stepfather have not been resolved because I haven't seen him since I was about 20 amd I haven't talked to him since I was about 25. And honestly, I'm really happy about that. I think that's clue #1 that I need to forgive.
Monday, January 03, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
If I post my New Year's Resolutions on my blog then I have to do them, right?
And if I post the image so small that it's unreadable, then you can't hold me accountable, can you?
Okaaay. I made them bigger.
Day 3 -- 30 Days of Truth
Today's assignment is to name something that I need to forgive myself for so here's my list.
I need to forgive myself for:
This may seem like a lot of things for which I need to forgive myself but it's really only one thing: I need to forgive myself for not being perfect.
I need to forgive myself for:
- Failing to turn my computer-related degree into a high-paying career in technology
- Not having the wherewithal to lose weight and keep it off
- Eating when I'm stressed out or when I feel inadequate
- Being too harsh with The Fiance when what I really want to do is speak the truth in love
- Not being outgoing enough
- Being more of a follower instead of a leader
- Not being pretty enough
- Being the kind of girl who always looks like the "Before" picture and never the "After"
- Not writing enough . . . or ever
- Not making enough money
- Not spending the money I have wisely.
- Consistently failing to live up to my potential.
This may seem like a lot of things for which I need to forgive myself but it's really only one thing: I need to forgive myself for not being perfect.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Day 2 -- 30 Days of Truth
The assignment for Day 2 of the 30 Days of Truth challenge is to name something I love about myself. And oddly enough, one of the things I hate about myself is also one of my best qualities -- perfectionism.
This characteristic was on full display this past Thanksgiving when I was asked to bake the turkey. I had never baked a turkey before in my life so I was a bit hesitant to say the least. I was also more than a bit stressed out. When I wasn't biting my nails over the possibility that the turkey would come out a charred mess, I was pulling my hair out over the fact that the turkey was not thawing fast enough and envisioning my family members keeling over from food poisoning. My mother added to my anxiety by calling me on Thanksgiving morning to inform me that dinner would be served at 3 pm instead of noon. This after that turkey had been in the oven for over 2 hours. Would the turkey even be edible after sitting out at room temperature for so long?
Despite all of my fretting, I ended up producing a turkey that was not only picture perfect, but tasted like something any celebrity chef would be proud to serve. Everyone raved . . . I mean, raved about the turkey.
The whole thing got me to thinking: what kind of perfectionistic freak must I be to pull off something I had never done before with such excellence all the while worrying that I would be an abject failure?
Perfectionism, like most personality traits, has its advantages and disadvantages. Yes, having high standards of excellence makes you an extremely capable person in a variety of different ways, but it can also make you a nutcase. But I'm learning that disentangling my self-image from my performance helps me to find a balance between the two extremes and keeps the crazy in check.
This characteristic was on full display this past Thanksgiving when I was asked to bake the turkey. I had never baked a turkey before in my life so I was a bit hesitant to say the least. I was also more than a bit stressed out. When I wasn't biting my nails over the possibility that the turkey would come out a charred mess, I was pulling my hair out over the fact that the turkey was not thawing fast enough and envisioning my family members keeling over from food poisoning. My mother added to my anxiety by calling me on Thanksgiving morning to inform me that dinner would be served at 3 pm instead of noon. This after that turkey had been in the oven for over 2 hours. Would the turkey even be edible after sitting out at room temperature for so long?
Despite all of my fretting, I ended up producing a turkey that was not only picture perfect, but tasted like something any celebrity chef would be proud to serve. Everyone raved . . . I mean, raved about the turkey.
The whole thing got me to thinking: what kind of perfectionistic freak must I be to pull off something I had never done before with such excellence all the while worrying that I would be an abject failure?
Perfectionism, like most personality traits, has its advantages and disadvantages. Yes, having high standards of excellence makes you an extremely capable person in a variety of different ways, but it can also make you a nutcase. But I'm learning that disentangling my self-image from my performance helps me to find a balance between the two extremes and keeps the crazy in check.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Day 1 -- 30 Days of Truth
The assignment for Day 1 of the 30 Days of Truth challenge is to write about something I hate about myself. If you've read this blog anytime within the last year then you are probably aware of the personality flaw that I'm consumed with at the moment (Heck, I'm in therapy for it for goodness sakes.) But I think I'll go with something different, a topic I haven't verbally beaten to death quite yet -- my perfectionism.
I once took a sewing class in college where I always managed to be the last person to complete my projects. The professor announced to everyone in class that there's always one person who is so painstakingly particular in the way they put together a garment that they lag behind the rest of the pupils. She said that I was that person in her class.
I managed to get past my collegiate sewing course but my high standards and my consistent inability to measure up to those standards has plagued me my whole life and has been the source of great unhappiness in a lot of different ways -- my career (I should have been a well-paid computer programmer instead of a "lowly" administrative assistant) , my appearance (I've never been at peace with not being thin), my hobbies (I don't spend enough time perfecting my god-given talents -- like writing and baking).
Funny thing is though, one of the things that I hate most about myself and that brings such dissatisfaction is also one of my best qualities.
I'll talk about that tomorrow.
I once took a sewing class in college where I always managed to be the last person to complete my projects. The professor announced to everyone in class that there's always one person who is so painstakingly particular in the way they put together a garment that they lag behind the rest of the pupils. She said that I was that person in her class.
I managed to get past my collegiate sewing course but my high standards and my consistent inability to measure up to those standards has plagued me my whole life and has been the source of great unhappiness in a lot of different ways -- my career (I should have been a well-paid computer programmer instead of a "lowly" administrative assistant) , my appearance (I've never been at peace with not being thin), my hobbies (I don't spend enough time perfecting my god-given talents -- like writing and baking).
Funny thing is though, one of the things that I hate most about myself and that brings such dissatisfaction is also one of my best qualities.
I'll talk about that tomorrow.
Friday, December 31, 2010
30 Days of Truth
I stole this from my friend, Em. And yes, folks. I am making plans to post every day for the next 30 days. Shocking, I know. But I think it will be cathartic. Sunday is a travel day for me (I'm in Chicago visiting The Fiance at the moment) so I may have to do some posting after the fact but I'm shooting for 30 posts in more or less 30 days starting tomorrow. Here's how the schedule will go:
Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Friday, November 12, 2010
Gifted and Talented
So I like my new therapist so far. She's sensitive, caring and insightful.
And if our first couple of sessions are any indication, our counseling relationship will be just as beneficial to me as my last one was.
In a possible nod to her insightfulness, my therapist managed to take me aback during our last meeting.
I was answering her questions regarding my upbringing (she had asked in an attempt to make sense of my underlying feelings of inadequacy) when she interrupted me with a question about my grades.
"I was in an advanced academics program in high school," I said, "but I wasn't as studious as I should have been."
"Did you get any scholarships?" she asked.
"No," I said, almost laughing, "I wasn't THAT smart!"
"You just didn't have anyone advocating for you," she responded in a serious tone.
She then went on to explain that I exhibit all the characteristics of someone who is considered "gifted and talented" and that might explain why I never felt like I fit in.*
And I thought it was just because I was the fat kid.
I must admit. The idea of being "gifted and talented" propped up my self-image for a moment, much in the same way the ace of spades props up the jack of diamonds in a house of cards. But as much as the term made me want to puff up my chest, it seemed ill-fitting. Still does.
So in an effort to disprove her hypothesis (or bolster it; I'm not sure which) I told her about being rejected for membership into the honor society (twice) despite having the qualifying grades. When I asked for an explanation, one teacher simply said, "We don't think you're honor society material."
I also told her about the time I was kicked out of C.L.U.E. ( according to my school system's website, C.L.U.E. is a program for "academically talented and gifted students") because I failed to learn how to play chess, a requirement at the time.
Of course, that was years ago and now, my therapist told me, the law requires schools to find some sort of program in which my particular gifts would have been nurtured.
I dunno. This whole "gifted and talented" thing seems odd and I have no idea what the implications could be for me and my developing self-image. To be honest, I'm not really sure I buy into it all. I've always considered myself to be reasonably intelligent, but I would never have described myself as "gifted and talented". In fact, I fully expect that after my therapist does some testing on me (an idea she seems absolutely giddy about) that I'll be exposed for the "gifted and talented" fraud that I am. Then we'll have to look to some other explanation for my weirdness.
* (In addition to counseling people with eating disorders, my therapist also specializes in treating kids who are considered gifted and talented)
And if our first couple of sessions are any indication, our counseling relationship will be just as beneficial to me as my last one was.
In a possible nod to her insightfulness, my therapist managed to take me aback during our last meeting.
I was answering her questions regarding my upbringing (she had asked in an attempt to make sense of my underlying feelings of inadequacy) when she interrupted me with a question about my grades.
"I was in an advanced academics program in high school," I said, "but I wasn't as studious as I should have been."
"Did you get any scholarships?" she asked.
"No," I said, almost laughing, "I wasn't THAT smart!"
"You just didn't have anyone advocating for you," she responded in a serious tone.
She then went on to explain that I exhibit all the characteristics of someone who is considered "gifted and talented" and that might explain why I never felt like I fit in.*
And I thought it was just because I was the fat kid.
I must admit. The idea of being "gifted and talented" propped up my self-image for a moment, much in the same way the ace of spades props up the jack of diamonds in a house of cards. But as much as the term made me want to puff up my chest, it seemed ill-fitting. Still does.
So in an effort to disprove her hypothesis (or bolster it; I'm not sure which) I told her about being rejected for membership into the honor society (twice) despite having the qualifying grades. When I asked for an explanation, one teacher simply said, "We don't think you're honor society material."
I also told her about the time I was kicked out of C.L.U.E. ( according to my school system's website, C.L.U.E. is a program for "academically talented and gifted students") because I failed to learn how to play chess, a requirement at the time.
Of course, that was years ago and now, my therapist told me, the law requires schools to find some sort of program in which my particular gifts would have been nurtured.
I dunno. This whole "gifted and talented" thing seems odd and I have no idea what the implications could be for me and my developing self-image. To be honest, I'm not really sure I buy into it all. I've always considered myself to be reasonably intelligent, but I would never have described myself as "gifted and talented". In fact, I fully expect that after my therapist does some testing on me (an idea she seems absolutely giddy about) that I'll be exposed for the "gifted and talented" fraud that I am. Then we'll have to look to some other explanation for my weirdness.
* (In addition to counseling people with eating disorders, my therapist also specializes in treating kids who are considered gifted and talented)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ending Before We'd Barely Begun
"We have something to talk about," my therapist said to me as we started our session in her clinical yet oddly cozy office.
"My family's moving to Pennsylvania," she said, "and I'll be closing my practice on October 20."
I listened quietly, trying not to become emotional, as she explained how this would affect my treatment.
"There are a couple of doctors I can refer you to that specialize in eating disorders. One of them lives in your area. Would you like me to give you her name?"
After briefly entertaining the idea of going it alone, I took the doctor up on her offer.
"How do you feel about this?", she asked.
"Well," I said, "finding a therapist that you connect with can be really difficult."
My soon-to-be ex-therapist nodded her head in agreement.
"So I'm a bit disappointed to be losing someone who really got me."
Without me having to explain further, the doctor acknowledged my concern that my next counseling relationship would be inferior to this one. And though she spoke highly of the woman she was referring me to, she admitted there was no guarantee that the new counselor and I will work out. She encouraged me to give it a try anyway and I agreed.
We then went on to have one of our best sessions ever. She counseled with abandon, giving me all the psychological insight she could muster . She was even more open than usual, offering personal information she'd never shared before, like her husband's occupation -- a Presbyterian minister -- and the reason for their move --a job offer as a senior pastor.
After our time was up, she expressed her gratitude for having had the opportunity to work with me and I did the same. After wishing me well, she sent me on my way to start all over again with someone else.
"My family's moving to Pennsylvania," she said, "and I'll be closing my practice on October 20."
I listened quietly, trying not to become emotional, as she explained how this would affect my treatment.
"There are a couple of doctors I can refer you to that specialize in eating disorders. One of them lives in your area. Would you like me to give you her name?"
After briefly entertaining the idea of going it alone, I took the doctor up on her offer.
"How do you feel about this?", she asked.
"Well," I said, "finding a therapist that you connect with can be really difficult."
My soon-to-be ex-therapist nodded her head in agreement.
"So I'm a bit disappointed to be losing someone who really got me."
Without me having to explain further, the doctor acknowledged my concern that my next counseling relationship would be inferior to this one. And though she spoke highly of the woman she was referring me to, she admitted there was no guarantee that the new counselor and I will work out. She encouraged me to give it a try anyway and I agreed.
We then went on to have one of our best sessions ever. She counseled with abandon, giving me all the psychological insight she could muster . She was even more open than usual, offering personal information she'd never shared before, like her husband's occupation -- a Presbyterian minister -- and the reason for their move --a job offer as a senior pastor.
After our time was up, she expressed her gratitude for having had the opportunity to work with me and I did the same. After wishing me well, she sent me on my way to start all over again with someone else.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Actively Imagining, Part 1
Heeeey! (she reaches out her arms to hug me)
Could you step back please?
Why?
Because you’re dirty and you smell.
That’s not nice.
Why are you here?
I like it here.
Why?
It feels comfy.
But I don’t want you here. This is not your place. You don’t belong.
But it’s comfy.
I don’t care how comfortable you feel here. You are not welcome. You're trespassing.
You’re not being nice to me.
Are those your dogs?
Yes, don’t you like them?
No, they are mangy and unkempt, like you. Why can’t your dogs look like mine? They’re cute and pristine.
My dogs keep me company. We may not be well taken care of (or “cute and pristine”) but we are always there for each other.
Can you be there for each other somewhere else?
Why can’t we be here?
Why do you keep coming back? What is it that you need or want?
I want to be taken care of like you take care of your dogs. I want to be cute and pristine too.
Could you step back please?
Why?
Because you’re dirty and you smell.
That’s not nice.
Why are you here?
I like it here.
Why?
It feels comfy.
But I don’t want you here. This is not your place. You don’t belong.
But it’s comfy.
I don’t care how comfortable you feel here. You are not welcome. You're trespassing.
You’re not being nice to me.
Are those your dogs?
Yes, don’t you like them?
No, they are mangy and unkempt, like you. Why can’t your dogs look like mine? They’re cute and pristine.
My dogs keep me company. We may not be well taken care of (or “cute and pristine”) but we are always there for each other.
Can you be there for each other somewhere else?
Why can’t we be here?
Why do you keep coming back? What is it that you need or want?
I want to be taken care of like you take care of your dogs. I want to be cute and pristine too.
Monday, September 06, 2010
A Labor-Free Day
Today has been a great day! It's been equal parts lazy and productive.
The productive part of the day is the Labor Day meal my roommate and I were able to create: honey mustard grilled chicken, broccoli salad, and cooked potatoes mixed with butter, sour cream and cheddar cheese. Simply divine.
Last night, I also whipped up (It felt as effortless as the phrase suggests) a from-scratch chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting.
Normally, when I do this much cooking (like when The Fiance's in town), I am absolutely pooped afterward, but not this time. I've had a relaxing and refreshing day -- exactly what a Labor Day should be.
The productive part of the day is the Labor Day meal my roommate and I were able to create: honey mustard grilled chicken, broccoli salad, and cooked potatoes mixed with butter, sour cream and cheddar cheese. Simply divine.
Last night, I also whipped up (It felt as effortless as the phrase suggests) a from-scratch chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting.
Normally, when I do this much cooking (like when The Fiance's in town), I am absolutely pooped afterward, but not this time. I've had a relaxing and refreshing day -- exactly what a Labor Day should be.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Finding Out What She Needs
So I told my therapist about the dream that I had. You know, the one where this homeless woman keeps breaking into my house to live in my pantry. I also mentioned to her that, after taking some time to process the dream, I thought the dream was about self-acceptance.
She neither agreed nor disagreed.
What she did do was ask a question: "What does this woman need?"
I stared at her blankly.
She went on to explain that obviously this woman, who is a representation of myself (that much my therapist seemed to acknowledge), needs something which is why she keeps coming back. It would behoove me, my therapist said, to find out what that something is.
To aid in this process, she suggested I engage in a practice created by Carl Jung called active imagination where I enter into a conversation with the homeless woman to find out what it is she's looking for and why she thinks she'll find it in my pantry.
I pondered the good doctor's question as I lay in bed one morning when it was too early to get up but too late to go back to sleep. What could this woman possibly want or need? And why is she looking for it in my pantry? Then I remembered a scene from my dream where, on one of the many occasions where she'd found her way back into my house after being kicked out, the homeless woman hugged me. At first I thought that spoke to her mental instability (seeking hugs from perfect strangers) but now I began to wonder if it meant something more. Could it be that the old lady is looking for love? And if so, from whom? From me?
Because I haven't had a chance to sit down and properly engage in active imagination, I'm not marrying myself to any conclusions just yet, but it's definitely something to think about. I'll be sure to let you in on any tidbits of self-discovery.
She neither agreed nor disagreed.
What she did do was ask a question: "What does this woman need?"
I stared at her blankly.
She went on to explain that obviously this woman, who is a representation of myself (that much my therapist seemed to acknowledge), needs something which is why she keeps coming back. It would behoove me, my therapist said, to find out what that something is.
To aid in this process, she suggested I engage in a practice created by Carl Jung called active imagination where I enter into a conversation with the homeless woman to find out what it is she's looking for and why she thinks she'll find it in my pantry.
I pondered the good doctor's question as I lay in bed one morning when it was too early to get up but too late to go back to sleep. What could this woman possibly want or need? And why is she looking for it in my pantry? Then I remembered a scene from my dream where, on one of the many occasions where she'd found her way back into my house after being kicked out, the homeless woman hugged me. At first I thought that spoke to her mental instability (seeking hugs from perfect strangers) but now I began to wonder if it meant something more. Could it be that the old lady is looking for love? And if so, from whom? From me?
Because I haven't had a chance to sit down and properly engage in active imagination, I'm not marrying myself to any conclusions just yet, but it's definitely something to think about. I'll be sure to let you in on any tidbits of self-discovery.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
10.15.2011
I was stalking The Boyfriend's facebook page a couple of weeks ago when I cane across a comment from one of his childhood friends.
"When are you getting married?" the friend asked.
The Boyfriend responded that he wasn't sure of the date but he was certain we would be getting married next year -- "guaranteed".
I sat in stunned silence for a moment because there was such certainty in The Boyfriend's comment, especially considering we had not discussed wedding plans at all.
But the more I thought about it the more I became amenable to the idea of getting married next year. I mean, I had been waiting for the stars and planets to align themselves just so before setting a date. But as the months turned into years, it became apparent that that was never going to happen, there was never going to be a "perfect time" to get married.
So we went ahead and set a date. October 15, 2011 to be exact. According to the wedding ticker at the bottom of this page, that's one year, two months and one day from today. That's when I will no longer be a single person, when I will stop spending hundreds of dollars in airfare or taking long bus rides to the Windy City, when The Boyfriend and I's long-distance relationship will be over and our marriage will begin.
But today . . . today is the day that The Boyfriend stops being referred to as "The Boyfriend" and officially transitions to being called "The Fiance" on my blog.
He's earned the distinction.
"When are you getting married?" the friend asked.
The Boyfriend responded that he wasn't sure of the date but he was certain we would be getting married next year -- "guaranteed".
I sat in stunned silence for a moment because there was such certainty in The Boyfriend's comment, especially considering we had not discussed wedding plans at all.
But the more I thought about it the more I became amenable to the idea of getting married next year. I mean, I had been waiting for the stars and planets to align themselves just so before setting a date. But as the months turned into years, it became apparent that that was never going to happen, there was never going to be a "perfect time" to get married.
So we went ahead and set a date. October 15, 2011 to be exact. According to the wedding ticker at the bottom of this page, that's one year, two months and one day from today. That's when I will no longer be a single person, when I will stop spending hundreds of dollars in airfare or taking long bus rides to the Windy City, when The Boyfriend and I's long-distance relationship will be over and our marriage will begin.
But today . . . today is the day that The Boyfriend stops being referred to as "The Boyfriend" and officially transitions to being called "The Fiance" on my blog.
He's earned the distinction.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Self-Acceptance
After reading the comments in this recent post, I've been thinking a bit lately about the role self-acceptance (embracing oneself, worts and all) plays in the formation of a well-adjusted psyche. Then tonight, this song wafted out of my Sony Dream Machine as I washed dishes. I think Alanis summarizes self-acceptance quite well here.
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