Today's my birthday.
It should be a happy occasion, right? And for the most part it is. I've received many sincere and heartfelt birthday wishes on Facebook. The Fiance sent be me a birthday card so perfect that I swear he commissioned Hallmark to create one just for me. And I got a nice plant and card from my coworkers.
But there's something missing. And that something is what made me cry this morning as I was brushing my teeth,
This is the second birthday in a row where I have been overcome with loneliness, in spite of the obvious plethora of people who care about me enough to wish me well. So why am I so down? Well, because my day will go something like this - wake up, get ready for work, work an 8-our day, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep. That's what I'll do today. On my birthday. That's what I've done for just about every birthday for the past few years. No special activities. No celebrations. Just a day like every other day.
How did I get here? This is what I think happened: I've mentioned before on this site that I am a different sort of person spiritually than I used to be. Not only has my theology changed dramatically, but I changed churches as well. That move was one of the best things that I've ever done but it was not without its negative consequences. I may have given up an oppressive brand of religion but I also lost a group of friends who not only cared about me deeply but who hung out with me on practically a weekly basis. I'll be the first to admit that I have no shortage of people who love me; but when I switched churches, I lost my running buddies -- the folks who made sure that when it was my birthday that there would be some sort of celebration to be had.
I haven't made those sorts of friendships at my new church despite having been there for 3 years now. Being an introvert by nature hasn't lent itself well to creating the sorts of relationships I crave this time of year. I think I've been sort of waiting for other people to take the initiative and bring the wallflower into the fold. Clearly, this is the wrong approach. If I want the sort of friendships at my new church that I enjoyed at my old church, then I am going to have to take the initiative. Invite some people over. Invite them out to dinner. Hell, plan my own damn birthday party.
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I'm sad you're feeling so lonely. Even though you're not at your old church, those friends don't call or come by anymore? That sucks. Hopefully The Fiancé can help make it better. Happy birthday!!
@Dre: Awww. Thanks!
@Erica: No, they don't call and come by as much anymore. Honestly, they may not know how to deal with my new (and to them, heretical) beliefs so they keep a distance. I do talk to them from time to time but not as much as I used to.
The fact that those pious do-gooders (so they think) aren't your friends any more is just one more reason why it was right for you to leave that church. Sometimes the correct path in life is a lonely one, but it doesn't have to stay that way.
One of the things that impresses me about you is that you may feel down sometimes, but you own it. And you hit it on the head by saying you need to plan your own party. Lifelong friends don't happen overnight, unfortunately.
I'm a Capricorn too - we tend to be on the introverted/introspective side. The best thing about us, however, is that we improve with age!
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