Bankruptcy: The Gateway to Happiness

Guess what?

After years of juggling bills and robbing Peter to pay Paul, I'm finally breaking down and filing for bankruptcy, chapter 7.

Wanna know what else?

I couldn't be happier.

For a long time now, my expenses have outweighed my income and the big elephant taking up most of the room on the expense side of the scales is my credit card payments.

I called my credit card company this week to try and negotiate a lower interest rate in hopes of reducing my monthly payments. Despite having an impeccable payment history with this company for 23 years and paying them over 3 times my credit card limit in actual dollars, they said no and recommended I call a credit counseling agency. I was directed to the National Foundation of Credit Counseling website, where I found a credit counseling agency in my area. I filled out an application and made an appointment for this past Friday.

On Wednesday, at the urging of my roommate, I met with a bankruptcy attorney. I was sold on a lot of things during that meeting. I was sold on the fact that my budget was woefully inadequate and failed to take into consideration my most basic needs. I was also sold on the idea of paying cash for cars and using the money I would have paid in interest and putting it in an IRA. What I wasn't quite sold on was the attorney's belief that I'm a perfect candidate for Chapter 7. I mean, I wanted to believe him, but I worried that he was telling me to do what would be easiest and most profitable for him.

I had even less faith in the ability of the credit counselor to give me impartial advice. Credit counselors are in business to make money and the way they make money is by charging a fee each month you make a payment in one of their debt management plans. So it would be in their best interests to see to it that you enroll in their debt management plan regardless of whether you can afford it or not. At least that was my impression when I made my appointment with the credit counseling agency.

When I walked into the credit counselor's office, I tried to make sure my cynicism didn't show too much in my facial expressions. I listened intently as he explained how their program works. I tried not to roll my eyes when he showed me what my monthly payment would be, which was not all that different from what I was currently paying. He acknowledged this and said, "For this reason, I recommend you for a 'Fresh Start'".

At this point, I'm thinking, What the hell is this "Fresh Start" program he's talking about? I don't remember reading about that on the website.

After spending several minutes preaching to me about the wonders of a "Fresh Start", the counselor wrapped up his sermon with this tidbit of information: "And by 'Fresh Start', I mean Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Have you ever thought about filing for Chapter 7?"

I could have kissed him, planting wet, sloppy smooches all over his face. Why? Because he made the decision-making process SO much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting to have to wade through a bunch of b.s. from all parties (the bankruptcy attorney and the credit counselor) to try to determine the best course of action but wading was unnecessary. Everybody was in agreement that I have fucked up my finances so royally that bankruptcy is now the most prudent option for me. I found that strangely comforting.

I have been receiving some minor pushback for my decision though. There's still a stigma associated with bankruptcy that some people find hard to shake. For instance, The Fiance announced that filing bankruptcy was fine for me but he was going to "take responsibility" for his mistakes and stick with his debt management plan. As if paying 3 times what you owe amounts to not taking responsibility.

In spite of negative perceptions, I'm keeping my head held high. Don't get me wrong. I know that bankruptcy is a serious issue with serious consequences to your credit rating. But after weighing the cons of a trashed credit score against the pros of increased peace of mind and happiness, I've decided bankruptcy is still the way to go.

Day 28 -- 30 Days of Truth

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I am a 44 year-old woman with diabetes. Honestly, I have no business getting pregnant.

But if I were to get pregnant, then I'd have to consult with my doctor and The Fiance to determine what the plan of action might be.

I would not rule out abortion.

Day 27 -- 30 Days of Truth

What's the best thing going for you right now.

My faith. It keeps be grounded and assures me that no matter what comes my way, I'll be okay.

And I needed that assurance today as I balanced my checkbook and discovered that I have more expenses than money to cover them. But somehow, someway, I know that I'm gonna make it. Even if, one day, I have to sleep in my car, I know that I'll live to tell the story.

Day 26 -- 30 Days of Truth

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I'm assuming by "giving up on life" they mean suicide. And no, I've never seriously thought of committing suicide because . . . well, I might actually die.

Day 25 -- 30 Days of Truth

The reason you believe you are still alive today

How the hell am I supposed to know the answer to that question? Does anybody know the answer to this? I mean, really know?

And if we could know, I doubt that we'd be impressed by the answer. I suspect that the vast majority of us are not here for some grandiose purpose, but rather to quietly have influence on those around us.

So that's it. That's why I'm still alive: to positively affect the lives of others, to make them feel better off in some small way for having known me.

Day 24 -- 30 Days of Truth

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

A few years ago, back when The Fiance was still The Boyfriend, I made a special tape for him to listen to when he missed me. The long-distance relationship book I was reading at the time, called such things a "fuzzy pole", something that brings comfort when what you really want isn't around.

I wrote the songs down for him but never really explained why I chose each one. Until now. (Song titles are linked to videos.)

Cross My Mind by Jill Scott: Overall, this song does not apply to The Fiance and me. The singer is reminiscing about an old love. But it's incredibly sexy and there's one particularly naughty verse that most definitely applies to us. *smiles knowingly*

Not Like Crazy by Jill Scott: Sometimes I'm amazed at The Fiance and my's relationship, so full of love and togetherness (in spite of having occasional disagreements) and connection. It's crazy. But not like we belong in an asylum, as the song says. More astonishment followed by a strong sense of gratitude.

Nothing by Jill Scott: Did I mention that I'm a HUUGE Jill Scott fan? The Fiance laughed at how much Jill Scott there was on his Fuzzy Pole tape. I can't help it. The woman's work just resonates with me. If you listen to this song, you'll see it's pretty self explanatory. It's a letter in itself.

He Loves Me by Jill Scott: Okay this is the last Jill Scott song. I promise! There are times that I can't believe that I've found someone to spend the rest of my life with, especially considering how many years I spent single and dateless. It's a miracle that I often revel in and this song is an expression of that. Too bad Jill Scott's relationship with Lyzel didn't last!

Nothing Can Come Between Us by Sade: When The Fiance and I first started dating, there were quite a few vocal people against us because of our religious differences. In the end though, nothing can come between us.

Can't Let Go by Anthony Hamilton: In the beginning of our relationship, I had to make some hard choices about whether The Fiance and I were going to remain a couple. Those religious voices were ringing loud in my ears. I eventually decided that I can't let go. I had no idea where we were headed, but I had every intention of finding out, regardless of what anyone else thought.

Where Would I Be by Kindred The Family Soul: I often wonder where I might be now if five years ago, I had politely rebuffed The Fiance's gentle advances instead of encouraging them, if I had not made a conscious decision to react to his interest in a way different from the ways I had reacted to previous suitors.

Ready for Love by India.Aire: I've talked about this song on my blog before. It explains my state of mind just before The Fiance and I met in the blogosphere.

I Love You by Sarah McLachlan: In addition to a Jill Scott fan, I'm also a Sarah McLaughlin fan. I seem to have a thing for female artists too. Don't know what's up with that. Anywho, I think this captures my initial hesitance to tell The Fiance that I loved him. He had to literally pry it out of me. It's not that I didn't feel it, but saying it seemed to progress the relationship faster than my predetermined timetable would allow. Silly girl.

Head Over Feet by Alanis Morrissette: I obviously must be head over heels in love with The Fiance if I'm sending him all these mushy love songs. It's getting so syrupy sweet in here even I feel like hurling.

Fallen by Lauren Wood: My favorite song from The Pretty Woman Soundtrack. It also describes me doing what I was so hesitant to do so early in our courtship.

Twenty Foreplay by Janet Jackson: This song is the mantra of my relationship. If you treat me right outside the bedroom, there's practically no limit to what I'll do for you in the bedroom. Just keeping it real.

Day 23 -- 30 Days of Truth

Something you wish you had done in your life

I wish I had won the lottery.

Oh, how my life would be different.

I'd have the wedding of my dreams. Nothing too extravagant though. There's better uses of one's money than throwing a lavish wedding.

I'd probably move to Chicago, rather than have The Fiance move where I am, so that he can go to the broadcasting school of his dreams.

I'd start a foundation to give a portion of my money away to causes that are dear to my heart -- gay rights, urban youth, education and poverty. I'd also give to my church to help further the good work that they do.

I might even take some classes to improve my writing skills, with a few cooking courses thrown in for good measure.

Sigh. It's nice to dream, isn't it? But unfortunately we don't live in our dreams, but in our present reality, a reality full of hindrances to fulfilling one's passions.

I know that it won't always be like this. I'll eventually get to do most of the things I desire. It's just it would have all happened a lot sooner if I had just won the lottery.

Day 22 -- 30 Days of Truth

Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

Life is full of regrets, isn't it? I know I certainly have regrets of my own, massive credit card debt being the main one.

However, If I had to do it all over again I'd do some things differently, but I don't know if I'd do them perfectly. There's just too much value to be had in making mistakes. I don't know if you can say you've truly lived if you hadn't done something you shouldn't have. Wisdom is birthed through falling on our faces and learning to pick ourselves up again. I wouldn't ever want to deprive myself of that experience.

Day 21 -- 30 Days of Truth

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do.

Go to the hospital.

Assuming that she's conscious and I was in the wrong, I would apologize. Otherwise, I would go to the hospital and simply be a good friend, whatever that means at that moment.

Day 20 -- 30 Day of Truth

Your views on drugs and alcohol

Drugs

If by drugs you mean the suggested dose of ibuprofen and sudafed, I'm all for it! If you mean the illegal stuff, not so much. I'm an obsessive compulsive person my nature. The last thing I need is another addiction.

Alcohol

If by alcohol you mean an occasional glass of wine or a margarita with the girls, I'm all for it! Drinking the stuff to drown my sorrows? Not so much. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm an obsessive compulsive person by nature. I need an addiction to alcohol like I need a hole in the head.

Day 19 -- 30 Days of Truth

What do you think of religion?

Like my views on gay marriage, my views on religion have changed dramatically over the past few years.

I used to be one of those hardcore, fundamentalist, if-God-said-it-I-believe-it sort of Christians. Now I'm a little more relaxed in my beliefs, to say the least.

I no longer believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God. I think the Bible is a beautiful but imperfect attempt by two ancient peoples to describe their experience with the Divine. I believe there's much to be gained from approaching the Bible metaphorically instead of literally all the time.

I don't think the earth was created in 7 days or that Jonah was swallowed by a whale or that Noah stored two of every living creature in an ark. I doubt very seriously that Christians will be the only people in heaven. And I don't think God hates fags.

Despite the above statements, I'm not as certain about my theology as I used to be. I hold my beliefs in an open palm, realizing that none of us can be 100% certain about anything concerning the Divine.

Despite all of my doubts and uncertainties, I'm more at peace spiritually than I've ever been. The whole God thing is a lot easier to swallow now that I've let go of a theology that stopped making sense a long time ago.

Day 18 -- 30 Days of Truth

Your views on gay marriage

Monday, on MLK Day, my friend, Kissyface, posted a video of The Beattles song Blackbird to my facebook page and left this comment:

God Bless the Good Reverend Doctor, Martin Luther King, Jr.! As you probably know, McCartney wrote this shortly after Little Rock. As a child I was told it was about the struggle of black people, and obviously the tune is so powerful and beautiful in its simplicity, so naturally I was greatly affected by it. I posted it to my wall a bit ago, but also wanted to put it here in gratitude to you for recognizing, promoting, and extending the understanding that all people deserve civil rights, specifically gay people. I've said before that my father, the excommunicated Mormon Republican, a poor boy from Utah, practiced pro bono civil rights law in Mississippi in the mid-60s, when it was not safe to do so. His broken wing was his sexuality, and he never forgave himself for it. I'm sure it was what did him in, and had the world been gentler on his generation, he'd be fighting the good fight now.

The promoting she's referring to is my propensity for advocating for gay rights on my facebook page. I'm always posting links to articles on gay issues and pleading the case for their fair treatment. I don't do it to be inherently controversial. I do it because I want to be a bridge between the LGBT community and those religious conservatives (a category to which many of my facebook friends belong) who still think homosexuality is a sin. I do it for people like Kissyface's dad.

I have no interest in changing anyone's theological viewpoint on the issue of homosexuality but what I would like to be a part of is changing the way theological conservatives view and treat gays and lesbians. I believe that it's possible to hold on to a belief that homosexuality is a sin (though I gave the viewpoint up myself years ago) and still allow gays and lesbians full civil rights. In my mind, there's no contradiction. You just simply love your neighbor as yourself.

So my views on gay marriage? I'm for it. I wish we all were.

Note: I am posting this via email from work. When I get home, I'll add links, formatting and whatnot, as well as do another 30 Days of Truth post.

Because Life Isn't Always About Blogging and 30 Days of Truth

According to the 30 Days of Truth challenge, today I was supposed to write about gay marriage. Only I'm not because work was busy, then I had Zumba class, then dinner and now, I'm listening to my local city school board meeting because we have a pretty serious issue occurring where I live and I want to be an informed citizen. Adding to all of that, I have a phone date with The Fiance at 9 p.m.

So, 30 Days of Truth will have to wait. I promise to write a thoughtful post on the subject of gay marriage tomorrow.

Day 17 -- 30 Days of Truth

A book you've read that changed your views on something

I can't think of a single book that I can credit for having changed my view on a particular issue. Usually by the time I've read a book, my views have already started to change.

For instance, by the time I read Karen Armstrong's The Bible: A Biography, I had already begun to suspect that the bible was a creation of man, not God. The book just affirmed those views. And when I read John Shelby Spong's Living in Sin: A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality, my opinions on homosexuality and premarital sex had long since done a 180.

I will say that when I read Sue Monk Kidd's The Dance of the Dissident Daughter the research she submitted opened my mind to the effect of patriarchy on religion. But I don't know if that counts as a change in viewpoint.

Okay, maybe the closest I can think of is Brian McLaren's The Last Word and the Word After That. His fictional book has made me question (very strongly, I might add) the existence of hell. I was so moved by his research and biblical exegesis that I tried to convince my mother to reject what she's been taught her whole life regarding eternal damnation. She wasn't having it. But I think that's as good an example as any of a book having a profound effect on my views.

****

P.S. Yes, I read a lot of books on religion. Two that are currently in my reading cue are Daniel Helminiak's What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality (as if I needed additional convincing) and Bart Ehrman's Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions in the Bible (and Why We Don't Know About Them).

Day 16 -- 30 Days of Truth

Someone or something you definitely could live without

Pickled beets.

Blech.

Day 15 -- 30 Days of Truth

Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tired living without it

As a diabetic, carbohydrates are supposed to be my enemy. But they're also my body's main source of energy. It doesn't help that some of my favorite foods are high in carbs: cereal, bread, pasta, and any dessert that was ever created.

When I was first diagnosed with diabetes, I tried cutting waaay back on my carbs. My blood sugar dropped and I lost a lot of weight but I was very unhappy with the food I was eating. Now, I take a more balanced approach. I eat carbohydrates but I try to do so in moderation. And I make it a point to eat 100% whole grain carbs at least 90% of the time. If I can't find a favorite food item in a whole grain variety, then I make my own. It's fun converting many of my favorite white-flour recipes into whole grain dishes. Many times, I can do it without anyone noticing the difference.

These changes may not be the absolute best for my blood sugar, but they help me to stay committed to a healthy eating plan for the long haul.

Day 14 -- 30 Days of Truth

A hero that has let you down (letter)

Dear Biological Father,

You weren't in my life long enough for me to remember you, let alone to idolize you, but you disappointed me just the same.

I understand that when you came to this country to get your degree in accounting, knocking up your girlfriend (my mom) and then marrying her and raising a child was not in your plans. I get that. I imagine that you would have preferred to have graduated college and then return to Jamaica to start a career and THEN a family. I get that too.

But that's not the way it happened.

To your credit, you did try to do the right thing and marry my mom and be the husband and father we deserved. But you were miserable and homesick. You tried to convince my mom to move back to Jamaica and you almost had her . . . until she changed her mind. So you both went your separate ways -- you back to Jamaica and she back to Arkansas. I'm not mad at you for that. That's just two young people trying to figure out life and stumbling along the way. That's okay. That's forgivable.

What's not forgivable is your losing contact with your first born. There's simply no excuse for it. I'm your flesh and blood for goodness sakes.

Okay, I can make excuses for your youth. When you're young and stupid, sometimes you make choices that, in retrospect, were not the best for all parties. But then you get older, more mature and you try to make amends. Only, I don't think you've gone through such a process. Forty-four years later, and I've yet to hear from you. Ever.

I'm not that hard to find, you know. I still bear your last name and probably will until I die. And I haven't moved very far from where I was born. And our public records here in this country are very public. A few clicks of the mouse and here I am.

That is, if you're still looking to be a hero.

Day 13 -- 30 Days of Truth

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter)

Okay, I'm fudging here. I'm not writing a letter because . . . well, I don't wanna. I'd rather tell you about the songs that encourage me and why. I actually burned these songs to a CD years ago so I could listen to them in succession whenever I needed a lift. I call it my Self-Actualization CD. I even forced The Fiance to listen to it on a road trip we took to visit my mom this Summer and he didn't break off the engagement or anything.

The songs listed in order on my Self-Actualization CD are as follows (titles are hyperlinked to videos):

Alanis Morrissette -- You Learn: This song encourages me to take risks and to not fear failure quite so much.

Alanis Morrissette -- That I Would Be Good: This song reminds me to embrace my whole self, the good and the not so good.

Chumbawamba -- I Get Knocked Down: As I told The Fiance on that road trip, this song says "Fuck you!" and sometimes that's just as healthy for the psyche as any self-talk mantra you can find.

Tom Petty -- Refugee: When life gets shitty, Tom Petty is there to remind me to not wallow in my self-pity. Everybody's got to fight to be free.

Tom Petty -- I Won't Back Down: Who knew Tom Petty could be such an encourager? When I need a little bravery, I listen to this song.

Wilson Phillips -- Hold On: Don't laugh! When you're at the end of your rope, Wilson Phillips will make you want to hold on for one more day. Really, they will!

Erykah Badu -- Bag Lady: You probably don't know this about me, but I am a BIG neo soul fan and one of my favorite artists is Erykah Badu. This song is deep. It's about failing to deal with your issues and carrying them around like a bag lady and allowing them to wreck your relationships. Erykah implores the listener to "pack light". Word.

India.Arie -- Video: India.Arie is another one of my favorite neo soul artists. This song inspires me to be more at peace with my appearance.

Mystikal -- Bouncin' Back: Back in the day, rap songs had a social conscience and were uplifting. Now gangsta' rap with its obsession with drugs, guns and violence is the norm. So when I hear a song that talks about overcoming adversity, I sit up and take notice.

It's My Birthday, And I'll Cry If I Want To

Today's my birthday.

It should be a happy occasion, right? And for the most part it is. I've received many sincere and heartfelt birthday wishes on Facebook. The Fiance sent be me a birthday card so perfect that I swear he commissioned Hallmark to create one just for me. And I got a nice plant and card from my coworkers.

But there's something missing. And that something is what made me cry this morning as I was brushing my teeth,

This is the second birthday in a row where I have been overcome with loneliness, in spite of the obvious plethora of people who care about me enough to wish me well. So why am I so down? Well, because my day will go something like this - wake up, get ready for work, work an 8-our day, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep. That's what I'll do today. On my birthday. That's what I've done for just about every birthday for the past few years. No special activities. No celebrations. Just a day like every other day.

How did I get here? This is what I think happened: I've mentioned before on this site that I am a different sort of person spiritually than I used to be. Not only has my theology changed dramatically, but I changed churches as well. That move was one of the best things that I've ever done but it was not without its negative consequences. I may have given up an oppressive brand of religion but I also lost a group of friends who not only cared about me deeply but who hung out with me on practically a weekly basis. I'll be the first to admit that I have no shortage of people who love me; but when I switched churches, I lost my running buddies -- the folks who made sure that when it was my birthday that there would be some sort of celebration to be had.

I haven't made those sorts of friendships at my new church despite having been there for 3 years now. Being an introvert by nature hasn't lent itself well to creating the sorts of relationships I crave this time of year. I think I've been sort of waiting for other people to take the initiative and bring the wallflower into the fold. Clearly, this is the wrong approach. If I want the sort of friendships at my new church that I enjoyed at my old church, then I am going to have to take the initiative. Invite some people over. Invite them out to dinner. Hell, plan my own damn birthday party.

Day 12 -- 30 Days of Truth

Something you never get compliments on

It's late.

I'm tired.

I'm also pissed off that I just accidently deleted part of my post so here's the condensed version of what I was going to write:

Handwriting -- bad.
Compliments -- never.
The Fiance -- banned me from addressing our wedding invitations by hand.
Coworkers who ask me what their phone message says after I've spent 5 minutes writing slowly in an attempt to make it legible -- fuck you.