So, as it turns out, I am not doing okay.

I won't know how not okay I am until I visit my doctor again on Friday. But from what I can gather from reading the results of the blood test that were mailed to me, I am not a well little girl. My glucose levels are more than three times what they should be, my electrolytes are down (probably as a result of frequent urination -- a symptom of diabetes), my thyroid levels are a little high and my hemoglobin levels are low.

It's no surprise my hemoglobin is low. I am anemic. And not long ago, I bled for six weeks straight (One of the reasons I have been too tired to post) after switching birth control pills. The thyroid levels were not much of a surprise either since my doctor had hinted that I might have thyroid problems.

The high glucose level is what has hit me the hardest emotionally. Both my mom and my uncle have Type 2 Diabetes, and I was hoping to avoid that fate. Not that I was doing anything to ward off the disease (In fact, I was actually doing things to aggravate the disease), but one can still hope.

For someone who enjoys cooking (and eating), a diabetes "diagnosis" (as I haven't actually seen my doctor yet to hear him say that word) feels like a death sentence. I'm a big fan of pasta and rice. I won't be able to eat those things anymore because this blasted disease will force me to watch my carb intake. My diet will now consist of non-starchy vegetables, meat and fruits. A healthy diet, to be sure, but is it any fun? I like to mix it up a little more than that. Sometimes, I eat vegetarian meals. I compensate for the lack of protein by adding beans and rice. That type of meal is out of the question now and my heart literally breaks as a result. I have been mourning the loss of carbohydrates from my diet all day.

Another thing that concerns me is that diabetes is a progressive disease. You can control it for a while but ultimately it gets worse and requires more intensive treatment. It's more than a little disturbing when I read on the diabetes message boards about how people struggle to get their glucose levels back to normal even though they eat right, exercise, etc. I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of emotional rollarcoaster ride concerning my health.

So that, folks, is why I haven't been posting lately. I have felt like shit for a long time and I am just now learning why. It's a sad day in the Grizzbabe household.