The Boyfriend surprised me one night when he said I was high maintenance. Well, he didn't so much as declare I was high maintenance as he failed to disagree when I joked that I was such a handful he didn't have time for other women. Because I've always thought of myself as pretty easy to please, I was taken aback when he responded with a "Yeah, that's true." Like any high maintenance woman worth her salt, I pressed The Boyfriend for more information. He explained that, while I don't demand attention, I have my ways of letting him know when I'm feeling neglected. A certain voice inflection here, a passing comment there, and I'm getting the message across that Mama's not happy.
I am aware of this little personality quirk of mine, and I must say this is not something I do on purpose to manipulate The Boyfriend into doing my bidding; but rather, I am merely expressing my feelings at the time, reacting in the moment. For instance, if The Boyfriend has to end a phone conversation early because he's tired or has to study, then there might be a slight disappointed tone in my voice, because. . .well. . .I'm disappointed, and I've never been adept at hiding my emotions. I realize this may cause The Boyfriend to feel guilty about taking time away from us, and it may put an extra burden on him to try and please me, but that is not my intention at all.
So should I try to do a better job of hiding my feelings in order to limit the amount of pressure The Boyfriend feels? Maybe. I can see how being a big girl and sucking it up can benefit the relationship by helping The Boyfriend to not feel any worse than he already does when he has to cancel or cut short a phone date, especially in situations that are beyond his control, like when work or school obligations arise. At the same time, I don't want to continually stuff my feelings inside. That can't be healthy either. Can it?
I am aware of this little personality quirk of mine, and I must say this is not something I do on purpose to manipulate The Boyfriend into doing my bidding; but rather, I am merely expressing my feelings at the time, reacting in the moment. For instance, if The Boyfriend has to end a phone conversation early because he's tired or has to study, then there might be a slight disappointed tone in my voice, because. . .well. . .I'm disappointed, and I've never been adept at hiding my emotions. I realize this may cause The Boyfriend to feel guilty about taking time away from us, and it may put an extra burden on him to try and please me, but that is not my intention at all.
So should I try to do a better job of hiding my feelings in order to limit the amount of pressure The Boyfriend feels? Maybe. I can see how being a big girl and sucking it up can benefit the relationship by helping The Boyfriend to not feel any worse than he already does when he has to cancel or cut short a phone date, especially in situations that are beyond his control, like when work or school obligations arise. At the same time, I don't want to continually stuff my feelings inside. That can't be healthy either. Can it?
9 comments:
Hmm. One of those darned if you do, darned if you don't situations. (And one I'm pretty familiar with.) You gotta let those things out, in my opinion. I'm sure there's a negotiable "happy medium" for you two in there somewhere.
Let it all out. He'll get used to it, start accepting it, and everyone will be better for the new level of honesty.
Meeting him halfway will be your learning to accept the days he needs to hang up early.
Maybe The Boyfriend should try to express what he is feeling a little more. E.g. you sound disappointed; he can say "you sound disappointed? Are you disappointed? I'm sorry if you're disappointed." And then that's when you can put on your big girl pants and say "Yes, I'm disappointed because I'd like to keep talking on the phone, but I understand that you're tired."
To The Boyfriend's credit, he does ask if I'm okay, and because I think I should be mature enough to wear the big girl pants, I'll lie and answer, "Yeah, fine." But I'm not fine. I'm disappointed, only I'm too embarrased to say it.
What you're doing is practically genetic in all females and it's mild compared to what some babes I know do. After a long time together, you find yourself doing it even more I think because you're a bit hurt and disappointed that he can't figure out by then what you need or how you feel. I really have to be careful not to be a bit snide and resentful. This is just how men are...we have to spell it out for them and actually they'd rather us do that than be stumped, trying to figure us out! To us, we think it's obvious but to them, it's still a mystery! Believe me, you're not bad and not high maintenance at all. We just want them to Get it without us telling them and very few can do that!
At least he is tuned into you enough to notice subtle changes in voice, facial expressions and body language. Most men would just look and you and say, “WHAT???”
And it’s okay to be high maintenance. Most high performance vehicles need it. You should have your headlights adjusted and you oil checked with a good dipstick on a regular biases. Otherwise you might set up and dry rot. Tell him he is ‘The Master Machanic’ and should love his job as the fine tuner of such a sexy machine.
Or
Just tell him, “Well hang up the phone you selfish inconsiderate bastard. I HAVE NEEDS, Ya Know!”
Excellent advice, MOI! And coffeypot, you gave me quite the chuckle.
I love what Fringes, Coaster, and Mother had to say. I agree with them 110%.
From another dude's perspective, I will add to Mother's post that it's a pain in the ass when the lady in question gets frustrated with us for either not reacting to or not catching those girl-clues. To quote John Mayer, "say what you need to say." It's much more satisfying to actually be told what you feel than to be challenged at the "guess-the-sigh" game. (Provided you know what you feel, and clearly you do Grizz.)
I'd offer that you can trust The Boyfriend with your feelings. God knows you help him with his--so if he's anything like me, he'd be only too glad to help you with yours--especially if he's the cause of them.
It's never good to stuff your feelings... let it out and let him or urge him to let it out too!
Wishing you the best,
M
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