The general consensus in the comment section of a recent post concerning the uncertainty of my job situation is that now seems like the perfect time to pack up and move to Chicago to be closer to The Boyfriend. I can't blame anyone for thinking that way. It's a logical thought process. The Boyfriend and I love each other very much, and neither of us can imagine spending the rest of our lives with anyone else, so it should be a no brainer that I relocate to the Windy City, right? Well, things are not quite that simple for a number of reasons.
First off, I own the house that I live in, and the fine print in my mortgage agreement specifically states that I am the only person allowed to occupy my home. That means I cannot rent out my house to anyone else lest I be considered in default, or in something else equally undesirable and damaging to my credit rating. In order to move to Chicago, I would have to sell my house, and in case you haven't noticed, now is not exactly a good time for the housing market.
Complicating matters even further is my financial situation and my family.
Chicago is a very expensive place to live, not as expensive as New York or California, but the cost of living is significantly higher than where I live now. The only way I could afford to move to Chicago is if The Boyfriend and I live together. This would seem like the perfect solution except for one thing: my family is very religious. I would not have their blessing if The Boyfriend and I cohabitated without the benefit of marriage, and their blessing is very important to me. Because The Boyfriend has never prayed "the sinner's prayer", I do not get a lot of emotional support from my fundamentalist friends when it comes to my relationship. It hasn't been easy, but I am learning to deal with the disapproval of my peers. I am not yet ready to handle the disapproval of my family.
The Boyfriend is well aware that the only way to get me to move to Chicago is to make an honest woman of me. But are we ready for marriage? That has been the question The Boyfriend and I have been tossing around for the past few weeks. When my beloved made the suggestion that I look for a new job in Chicago, I asked him point blank if he was ready to get married. After hemming and hawing for a few seconds, he let out a very unconvincing, "I think so." To my surprise, this did not bother me. I understood what he was feeling. I am not ready for marriage either. Don't get me wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that I want The Boyfriend and I to grow old together; I just don't know if now is the right time to get hitched. I feel as if the stars have not aligned in our favor yet. Not a concrete explanation, I know, but that's the best way I can express the hesitance I feel. The Boyfriend feels a hesitance too, and wonders how we will know when the time is right. I have no idea how we will know, but I do believe that, someday, we'll recognize when it's our turn to walk down the aisle.
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8 comments:
You've got a good head on your shoulders. (Not that my opinion matters all that much here) but I have no worries about you making good decisions. It'll be exciting to see where life takes you both.
The only problem I see with your commitment to please the family at all cost and your friends if you can, is that you don't know for sure that you really do love the dude. This will never be truly know until you spend hours, days, weeks, months and maybe years together.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but living together can spoil a good relationship. Of course, you could marry him on faith alone. That works out sometimes, too. Depending on the degree of commitment EACH of you put into making it work.
If you care what I think, I say let it stay as is for awhile longer. But make an effort, when you are together, to be you. Don’t go out of your way to entertain or clean or even take a bath if you don’t want too. Just be yourself and see how it works for him. Slap him around a bit, don’t let him scratch his balls or the crack of his ass in public, or pick his nose or scratch his head with the fork at dinner. If he can survive that, he’s yours for life.
Yes, Coffeypot is right and your response to your Boyfriend about ready for marriage is right. Living together and marriage are the same thing only marriage requires paper work. Not being unromantic, but the love does carry you through the farts and crumbs.
Go with your heart... In life we must learn to make ourselves happy. You will know what's the right thing for you when you're ready! Happy Easter! May your life be filled with baskets of sweets!
M
I think its a hard decision. Although I did not have the pressure of family to deal with, I too had to make a decision like that.
When my now husband and I were dating, he was in the Marine Corps. He was going to be transferred and he said he wanted to get married because it would be easier (yes, we loved each other too! LOL). So we got married after dating 11 months and its now 13 years later.
Bottom line, do what your gut tells you feels right. ;)
Sometimes you don't know if the time is right until after you actually do something. No one knows for sure whether marriage is absolutely right for life but you sure as heck have to think that it's worth any risk there is...and you two sound like you are on the same page on that one. So probably it'd be the right thing to do anytime, especially if your work gets pretty bad. What about him moving to where you are?
I understand about the living together thing...I could never have hurt my parents that way...they just wouldn't have understood.
Good luck with all this. Either way, you sound like you have already made up your minds about the who in your life partnership, and that's got to be comforting and exciting.
It has been statistically shown that marriages that were predated by co-habitation are more likely to end in divorce. Seems counter-intuitive, I know. I don't know the reason, except a friend guessed that it has something to do with a reluctance to make the full commitment, which does make some sense.
from the CDC...
"Among the findings in this report: unmarried cohabitations overall are less stable than marriages. The probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitations."
Hahahahahaha..."I think so"....wow, what confidence! did his chin quiver and voice falter?
I bet a polygraph would have exploded!
Course I don't know thee guy...but when i was ready to get married i knew it...and it still didn't last!
Sorry Griz....
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