Doubts, the conclusion

Parts 1 and 2 can be found here and here.

Oh my God, he's touching me!, I screamed silently. Some strange guy from Chicago that I hardly knew and who wears white socks inappropriately had invaded my personal space and was touching me in an intimate way. This was one of the weirdest feelings that I've had in a long time. And not in a good way.

The Boyfriend sensed my uneasiness but he was undeterred. He kept his arm around me for the duration of the movie. And I allowed him to mainly because I believed that the only way to get over the uncomfortable feeling of being touched by someone I hardly knew was to allow someone I hardly knew to touch me.

You would think that on our next "date", when I vistied him in Chicago, I would have been more relaxed. And I was at first. I remember sitting with The Boyfriend on a loveseat in my hotel room. I had my arm stretched out over the top of the couch and The Boyfriend's arm was on top of mine and wrapped around my shoulders. I distinctly remember thinking , This is not so bad. I kinda like this. I felt as if I was having a breakthrough and that I might finally turn into a normal person. As it turned out, my breakthrough was very short-lived.

The next day while we were waiting for the train to take us to downtown Chicago, The Boyfriend, being convinced that it was now safe to touch me (silly boy!), put his arm around me again. For some unknown reason, I had a flashback. I tensed up and repeated that freakout scene that occured in my living room a few months before. I wanted to yell "Stop touching me!!" at the top of my lungs. I believe The Boyfriend must be a mind reader because he immediately pulled his arm away.

What would cause me to want to react so violently to The Boyfriend's show of affection when I had been fine with it the day before? I don't know. The only explanation I can offer is that I'm a fruitcake in need of serious medical attention.

Fortunately, my uncomfortableness in The Boyfriend's presence eventually went away. As I spent more time getting to know him, I began to want to be close to him and express myself physically. Now, I can't keep my hands off of him and I want some part of his body touching me at all times.

Wow, I'm amazed at how far I've come. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get to this point. It took some time, more than most people need, but I am finally able to relax around The Boyfriend and not only let him touch me in an intimate manner but allow him into the deepest areas of my soul.

It seems the doubts have disappeared.