Mail-order bride

It was late in the work day and I was having a conversation with one of my more. . .offbeat customers. It had been awhile (over a year) since I'd seen him. He stopped by the office just to chat.

"I'm getting ready to be on my third wife," he announces.

"Really?" I say.

"Yes, I've been talking to a Filipino woman over the Internet. Several of my friends are married to Filipino women and I thought I'd give it a try."

He proceeded to explain the reasoning behind his decision. (Let me preface this portion of the blog post by saying that the opinions and ideas listed below are not shared by the author. Some of the beliefs are offensive. Very offensive. But they are not, I repeat, NOT my own.)

According to Mr. Wacky Customer, who apparently had been doing some "research", marrying a Filipino woman that he hardly knows is a good idea because:

The divorce rate among white males and Filipino women is unbelievably low. Something like 1.5%, is what I think he said. "There's no way I can fuck this up," he concluded.

In addition, Filipino women are supposedly demure, which, according to my client's logic, is a characteristic that is most likely to reduce the friction that is so prevalent among American men married to American women, white American women in particular. It is Mr. Wacky's opinion that white women are the worst in terms of giving attitude.

This one was a bit of a shocker. Normally, it's me and my African-American sisters that get saddled with that stereotype. But Mr. Wacky Customer said he would much rather be married to a black woman than a white woman.

"I would LOOOOVE to find a black woman," he says, "I mean a BITCH of a black woman. I would prefer that to being married to a white woman. Both know how to go to war but they go about it differently."

Mr. Wacky also feels that a Filipino woman would be so grateful to leave her impoverished country that she would be extremely loyal and committed to him. And since women from the Philippines are used to surviving on so little, a Filipino wife would be inexpensive to maintain. Mr. Wacky thought this was perfect because, in addition to being wacky, he is a cheapskate to boot.

There was only one thing standing in the way of my client's master plan: his wife. Or should I say, estranged wife.

It's no surprise that she left him but she can't seem to let go completely. She refuses to go to counseling with him and resists the idea of reconciliation but she won't sign the divorce papers because she says she's still in love with him.

Truth be told, Mr. Wacky is still very much in love with his wife as well and can't bring himself to be the first to sign the divorce papers either. But he's tired of waiting.

"I haven't had sex in 564 days," he reveals.

He asked me what to do.

I told him that he should wait it out since it was obvious that he and his spouse still had feelings for each other. Until he could sign those divorce papers and feel good doing so, I advised him to continue pursuing reconciliation. He seemed amenable to the idea.

A half an hour into our conversation, at the exact moment he had finally come to grips with the prospect of staying with his wife, I could have sworn I heard Filipino women everywhere breathe a collective sigh of relief.