Beautyshop

Spending 3 hours or more at the beauty salon is the cross many black women must carry. Making the experience bearable is the wide range of topics we discuss and the enthusiasm with which we discuss them. Everything from politics and social issues to who Halle Berry is dating now. There’s never a dull moment. Here’s a sampling of my most recent visit. I wish I had brought a tape recorder, as this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

On George Bush and Condoleeza Rice

Beautician: W knows he is hitting that and he loves it! It’s going to be the story of the century when everybody finds out that Bush and Condi have a child together and nobody knew it because she’s so skinny no one could tell she was pregnant.

On Oprah and Stedman

Pregnant client: Did ya’ll hear that Oprah and Stedman are going to get married?

Beautician: Yeah, 20 years ago!

Pregnant client: No, this is a new rumor. They are supposed to have a wedding planned.

Me: Stedman is Oprah’s cover; she is not going to marry him.

Beautician: Yeah, she’ll marry Gail before she marries Stedman.

On boobs and being pregnant

Beautician: How far along are you?

Pregnant client: Three and a half months.

Beautician: I can tell. Your belly is starting to stick out and your boobs are getting bigger.

Pregnant client: Yeah, my husband loves my boobs. He’s like “Ooooohhhh” (she feigns excitement).

Beautician: Men think your tits belong to them. Even after the baby comes, they will try to drink some of the milk. They think you produce it for their benefit.

On Internet dating

Beautician: One of my clients went on a date with this guy she met on the Internet. He took her to dinner and announced that even though his profile says he is looking for love what he really wants is some ass. He then added that he thinks that when men and women are dating they should share the financial responsibility and proceeded to tell her they should decide before they order how they are going to handle the check. He recommended that she buy tonight and he said he would buy on the next date.

Me: I hope she offered to split the check and never see him again.

Beautician: She told him to order whatever he wanted; she was just going to have a coke and 30 minutes later, she left him at the restaurant.

On black men

Beautician: Why do you think everybody wants to date a black man? Because black men have it going on. They are beautiful creatures. I’ve met some black women who use these Internet dating services and think they have to expand their horizons because there are no good black men out there. I tell them they need to expand their horizons all right but out of the city or state they live in. Search for men elsewhere. There are good black men out there; you just have to find them.